(Closed) How do I know he’s for real? *Going insane*

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

ahh thats a tough one i think. i was 22 when my fiance proposed back in feb. it was the night of our 3 year anniversary!!!  its ahrd to say as if he doesnt work and E rings are very expensive and guys do look at prices and always want to get us the most beautiful one!!! me and my faince are both in college still, but we also work full time and go to school full time!!! barley able to see each other but every sat is date night!!! yay for tomorrow!! but anyways it would be very hard for him to save or maybe he is just keeping a straight face, my fiance didnt say anything or even hint at the proposal!!! keeping my fingers crossed!!!

Post # 4
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

You will know he is “for real” when you don’t have to ask yourself that question anymore. You should be able to feel it in your heart.

Post # 6
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

@misstiny: Maybe let him know that getting engaged doesn’t mean that you have to get married right away. Let him know that you would prefer at least a year to plan; maybe even two. That way, he will have the time he needs to adjust and get things in order.

Post # 7
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Why would you family have an issue with you seeing his extended family without being engaged, but will be ok with you living with him in a few months?

If he’s stressed out then I would put this issue to bed for a bit and not bring it up anymore.  You guys have only been together for 9 months..enjoy your relationship. Don’t add anymore pressure with school & life.  Just because you talked about getting married, doesn’t mean you have to do it right away.

Post # 8
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

If you don’t feel right about going on the Christmas trip, you don’t have to go… but don’t use it to twist his arm into proposing if he’s pushing back.

I would suggest to try your best to be a little patient.  It would be hard for anyone on a limited income to save up for a ring within the span of a 9 month relationship.  I can understand why he would have a hard time.

Either you can convince him you’re 100% ok getting engaged w/o a ring (or with a very simple one), or you may have to wait longer than you’d like.

Maybe just slow things down a bit.  Take some of the time pressure off, since at your age, you have time on your side.  Who says you have to go on this trip w/ his family?  Who says you have to move in together next year (vs. in two years)?  You could continue dating but get separate apartments (with roommates if needed) for the first year in the new city and see what happens. 

If you don’t feel right doing these things without engagement, then don’t.  Give him a little more time to catch up to where you are.

Post # 9
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

He says he wants to marry you and that you’ll get engaged when he has money for the ring.

If you two want to be engaged sooner, try to find an inexpensive ring (you already said that even with no ring you’d be happy…). E-rings can be very expensive, but they do not have to. There are very beautiful rings out there for a fraction of the cost (our entire ring budget was 1000$, and that included my e-ring, a separate wedding set, and his wedding band). Very reasonable and we love our rings.

Or, if you or he is adamant about having an expensive ring, you can bring the subject up as much as you want, but it will not make money appear in his pockets! What I mean is, he told you you’d be engaged by Christmas. Wait until then, let him do his thing. If you’re not engaged by then, you don’t have to go to the family trip. You can have a discussion then, about why he didn’t propose (was it really only money or was there something else?).

Enjoy your relationship in the meantime, be the girl he’s so crazy about that he decided to marry after only nine months (don’t become engagement obsessed; that’s not appealing to the guy).

Post # 11
Member
1901 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I agree with MsSassy! You’ve only been together 9 months and you’re only 22. Enjoy your relationship. I’m sure he wouldn’t have said it if he wasn’t serious, but sometimes intentions don’t matter if the circumstances don’t allow it. I would refrain from going on the family vacation if you would be sacrificing the values of you and your family by doing so. 

Post # 12
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think what guys want to give their future fiancees and what they can afford are two different things. I was in a similar situation to you where I had been dating my guy for 3 years and we were just finishing up school. We had already made a commitment to each other and talked about marriage, etc but he didn’t feel comfortable buying a ring until he had secured a job and started generating income. Even now, 3 months out from graduation we are still not engaged. But! my boyfriend knows that a nice ring is important to me (and it’s important to him). So I have to be willing to wait. If an expensive ring is important to you or your FH, then you’ll have to be willing to wait. If not, let him know that the ring really isn’t important to you, but getting engaged is. Unfortunately, he may still want to be more financially secure and it may be important to HIM to get a nice ring. 

Also, I agree that you should try not to use the winter vacation to pressure him. If you really don’t feel comfortable going on it if you’re not engaged, then that’s fine, but don’t put too much pressure on him. Don’t worry so much about your family’s approval and just make sure you stay true to your own beliefs. 

Aside from that, join the waiting club!! Try to stay busy and not think about it too too much because it sounds like he really wants to be married, but he also has some other things to take care of as well. 

Post # 13
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@egb: I agree! Inexpensive rings are totally an option, it’s the thought that counts.

And if Christmas comes and no proposal, you can have a candid discussion with him at that time.

I agree with the other gals who said if you don’t feel comfortable going on the christmas trip, please don’t pressure yourself to do so. Take care of you.

Post # 15
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

Hmm..  Well, honestly, I think he’s feeling pressured.  Men are a lot weirder about money and being able to support us than we think they are.  If he’s still looking for a job and isn’t 100% secure yet, he could know that he WANTS to marry you, but if he were 100% sure or ready, he’d just propose.

If there’s anything I’ve learned with my 26 year old boyfriend, it’s that pressure and asking questions about being engaged and planning does nothing but push him away.  I hate saying it, cause I know it doesn’t sound nice…but it’s true.  Men have to do things in their own time.  Try and relax.  If you talk about living together, that might be your next step.  9 months really isn’t too long to be waiting.

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