- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
I wasn’t sure which board was right for my existential crisis, so please feel free to move this if I choose wrong(ly).
I am almost 29, married for just over 4 months, and I am currently in this terrifying place of questioning what I want in terms of having kids. Do I actually want them? Do I want them because *I* want them OR was I just socialized and brought up to believe that’s what I’m supposed to do for so long that I never even questioned whether or why I want kids? Or do I want kids for the wrong, selfish reasons? Do I just want kids to heal/fix what I needed and didn’t get as a child? Do I want kids so that I can have the family I always wanted mine to be, and so heal that broken piece of myself? To have the family I always wanted my experience to be? Do I want kids because my evolutionary biology is punching me with the hormone hammer every time I see, smell, hold, or HEAR ABOUT a baby?
When I picture my future with my husband, I always see us having kids, and it’s specific, I SEE them, I see 2 little girls and the 2 of us. We talk about kids, we’ve talked about names for kids, we talk about being parents, and I’ve never really questioned it.
I feel like the way I always thought about kids was “I mean yeah, sure, I’ll have kids, but not for a LONG time, I have FAR too many things that I want to do first.” But through the majority of my 20s, and the nearly 5 years I’ve been with Darling Husband, that mythical “someday in the future when I’m done doing all the things I want to do” doesn’t feel any closer, and this panic and questioning has set in.
Is this NORMAL? Do other people feel this way? Do women go through this process? Do MEN go through this process?
It seems like everyone is at either end of the spectrum- solidly, firmly yes or no, and I feel so lost, alone, confused in the shades of grey in the middle.
Someone just please tell me they’ve been here, are here, this makes sense, I’m not insane, etc.