(Closed) How do I let my friends down about not being BMs?

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2829 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

You can’t avoid it forever, eventually you’ll have to tell them.

But, until then, you can play the avoidance game of just not talking wedding

i.e.: “Gee guys, i just spent xx time with my mom/FMIL talking about wedding stuff, can we go do xx to get my mind off it, I’m really stressed!”

I honestly don’t have any great advice on how to break it to them gently, if they are going to feel snubbed, or hurt or whatever, no matter how nicely you say it, they are still going to feel however they are going to feel.

If they want to chat Bridesmaid or Best Man stuff, you can always just lay it out for them and explain the expenses, time committments, duties etc etc, and how you wouldn’t want to burden them (if they are tight on cash or have busy social lives etc).

I would definitely be clear, regardless of how you break it to them, that you still care about them and still want to invite them (if that is the case), and if they want to be involved in some way (other than as BMs) that you may be able to work a reading or they are more than welcome to help you DIY/chat weddings etc.You could also bring up that you didn’t want to disappoint them/hurt their feelings which is why you put off telling them/deciding for so long, if it feels right.

I would just try and be as polite & upfront as possible. It’s hard not to hurt egos, but at least if you’re honest they can’t hold that against you.

 

Post # 4
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

This is a pickle!  No matter how you approach this, U think there will be hurt feelings.  There is no way that you can tell them easily (especially the one already assuming she is in the wedding) that they are not going to be bridesmaids.   

You mentioned that you might have to make your wedding party even smaller, to make it even.  Perhaps you could tell them that you are keeping the wedding party intimate, but invite them to take a special part in the planning and give them some kind of responsibility for the wedding day.  

Post # 5
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

* I * think there will be hurt feelings, not “U”.

Post # 6
Member
13099 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Can you give them another job/role in the wedding (reader, usher, guest book attendant, etc)?  Then instead of telling them that they aren’t bridesmaids, you can ask them if they’d be willing to share in your day by doing XXX.  They’ll be able to put 2 and 2 together at that point that they are not going to be BMs but will (hopefully) still feel included and special as they’re being asked to hold a special job.

Post # 7
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

@Mrs.KMM:  I wouldn’t recommend the guest book attendant option… a close friend of mine got married and although I wasn’t particularly bothered by not being asked to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man (her Fiance had 3 sisters all of whom were BM’s and I def couldn’t afford to shell out for a dress at that point either), apparently everyone else was shocked that I wasn’t.  Eventually, she asked me to be a guest book attendant and although I appreciate her wanting to involve me, I was kind of like… guest book attendant… really?  My roommate went through the same thing, a friend of hers was this total bridezilla and told her “You are going to be my guest book attendant because… well… you people think you are funny.  Just don’t wear orange”  Hahaha, passive aggressive, eh?  

Though… I do think doing a reading is sweet and I would be honored if someone asked me to do that.  

I had a couple friends who I really wanted to be BMs, but I didn’t want more than 4.  I pretty much let them know from the get-go that I had to make that decision because I only could have a limited number, but if they wanted to be involved with the wedding, I would love it.  They offered to help with DIY stuff and decorate, and one who is a hair dresser even offered to do my hair, so in the end it turned out really well.  Just remember that if you do assign them a ‘job’, to appropriately acknowledge their help with a gift (earrings, coffee gift card, etc) or something, to keep everyone happy!  : )

Post # 8
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

@fig-newton: Have you known the ladies you want to be your BM’s longer than the other two?  You could always use that for reasoning…  

Post # 9
Member
13099 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@summerbvt: I think it all depends on how you approach it.  I’ve been a guest book attendent before and was asked well in advance, thanked graciously numerous times and given a really nice gift for my willingness to help and be involved and I had no issue with it.

My guestbook attendent was the same way.  She was really excited to help out and I got her a nice gift in addition to personally thanking her for helping Darling Husband and I out.

Now if it is approached more as an after-thought, then yeah, I could see where someone could be a little hurt or put-off by it.

Post # 10
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

If you are looking to include them–how about asking them to be honorary bridesmaids? Some people on here call it a “house party’, in South Carolina-we just call it honorary bridesmaids, and I think it is the same. I’m not sure where you live, but in the South it’s very common. They can wear whatever you want them to. Whether it be, all wear “x” color dress, or wear whatever they want. Have them carry a bouquet, or have a corsage, and sit in a pew/row designated for them, and list them in the program. It can be as simple as that, or they can be involved as you want them to be.

However, if you want it to be more intimate, and/or it’s a smaller wedding–I think you should just be up front with them, although it will be difficult. Let them know how much they mean to you, and how much you would love to include them–just the numbers didn’t work, but they are still special friends. Hopefully, although they may be hurt, they will understand! 

Good luck with this tough conversation, and best wishes! 🙂

Post # 11
Member
1932 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

can you give them another kind of job? Something to make them feel apart of your wedding… like have both of them be your personal attendants? That is nearly as important as a BM! When I asked my friend to be my attendant, she cried, lol, it’s a sweet position. Can they sing, play piano, have them do something special for the ceremony or rehearsal dinner?

There are always ways to include friends in the wedding even if you can’t have them in the wedding party. 

Post # 12
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

@miss-spunkin:  I love the attendant idea!  Honestly, when I was getting ready the BM’s were too so when I needed help with stuff I felt bad pulling them away from doing their own hair/makeup, etc.  The girl who was a friend who did my hair and my cousins gf ended up being lifesavers because they were there to actually ‘attend’ to me and help me get ready!  : ) 

Post # 13
Member
1932 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

Yes, it was super helpful to me as well… while getting ready I still have a thousand things on my mind that needed to be done in the church, or kitchen or whatever and it was awesome to have someone who could do all those things for me, plus I know my friend was very pleased to be my attendant, especially since it didn’t include the costs of being a BM!

I don’t think BM’s really realize the cost of being a Bridesmaid or Best Man… I know one of mine didn’t, and had a really hard time with the costs…

Post # 14
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m finding it a bit difficult to read into how much you really like them from your main post, but here are my thoughts:

1. You’ve known them for 8 years, I have a feeling that they’ll stick around for a while.

2. They’re your “have fun friends.” I bet you’d enjoy having them there for the wedding day.

3. It doesn’t cost anything to have a bridesmaid (other than buying them gifts).

4. No one really cares if the number of Bridesmaid or Best Man and Groomsmen are uneven, I promise!

Basically, I’m thinking that these are two people you see all the time and that consider you be a really important part of their lives. Unlike many bridesmaids out there, they really want to stand up next to you. I would consider adding them.

Post # 16
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

@fig-newton:  Sounds good, I hope it works out for you!  I understand your situation but it also sounds like you are really comfortable around these girls and have a great time with them, so I think including them in some way is a great idea!  Happy planning!

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