(Closed) How do I let my mother know she is not invited to my wedding?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Miss Willbechilly:  How did she find out about the wedding? Were you in contact before she knew, or are all of these text messages coming now because she knows you’re getting married?

Either way, if you don’t want her at your wedding, you should probably cut off contact with her completely (after telling her you don’t want her there).  She is probably going to be very crushed and will not want to talk to you anyway, so you have to plan on no longer having any communication (which doesn’t seem like you would mind according to the OP).  If it was me, I’d probably write her a letter (snail mail) if I didn’t want to tell her directly.  At least that way you have time to write and rewrite a letter that says exactly what you want it to say.  Regardless of what happened between you, I think this is a very delicate situation and however you decide to tell her it should be respectfully done as a mature adult.  

Good luck! 

Post # 4
Member
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would flat out tell her that she’s not invited and ask her to stop texting you.  I told my mother she was not invited to my wedding.

Without going into it – she was a horribly abusive mother and I want nothing to do with her.  When I was married the first time it was six months after my brother got married (and she went to his)  

Post # 5
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I would just simply call her (don’t send a text or email) and tell her while you appreciate her excitement, you don’t feel like inviting her to your wedding is a good idea. Something along those lines.  I would definitely do it sooner than later, and then just ignore anything you get from her (jsut don’t read the texts if they upset you). If she gets all emotional, block her.

Stressing yourself out over it isn’t going to make things any better or easier. Just dive in, rip it off like a bandaid!

Post # 6
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

oh boy, this is tough…..my grandparents weren’t invited and I never said anything to them. They knew about it, including when and where (since other family they are still in touch with got invites) but I just never said a word. It stressed me out quite a bit too, I was worried they would just show up or cause a scene beforehand.

They sent both a birthday card and Christmas card (First time ever – and my younger siblings got nothing) and it sent me into a rage…I hate that they try to contact me or think they can take part in any aspect of my life – I get how that text just ruins the day!

Depending how harsh you want to be, either write/call saying you are not invited, just ignore her and never invite her………or suck it up and invite her. It sounds like you don’t want to do that though, so I think your best bet is to write an email, sleep on it, re-read/edit, send, and ignore future contact.

Post # 7
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

First, please don’t feel you have to let go of the past; sometimes you just can’t. This topic hits a little close to home so I know how you feel. You are under no obligation to invite her, I don’t care what anyone else says. You don’t have a relationship and it’s wrong on her part to assume she’s even invited. I would tell her how you are feeling either via letter or conversation. I’m not comfortable in 1:1 situations like this so I’ve done it in letters. You need to nip in the bud now or it could get worse the closer it gets to your wedding.

Post # 8
Member
2183 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

I did this for my wedding. I didn’t want my mother there at all.

I sent her an email alerting her to our engagement. However, her husband responded that I was a horrible person because I didn’t call. Anyway, after some drama along the way, basically she found out my venue and the date, but a family member convinced her the date was wrong.

I sent her a hand written letter two weeks before the day explaining my decision not to invite her. I did it as kindly as possible, but also with a firm tone. I had my boss read it, and she approved. I sent it, and I never heard from her. In fact, my brother went back to our hometown and offered to see her, but she didn’t return his call either.

Now, I’m debating if I should send her pictures.

So, I recommend having a heart-to-heart with yourself and putting part of that on paper. My biggest fear was that she would show up anyway, and I do think my letter stopped that. Also, her family that did attend was careful not to divulge information. I really appreciated their efforts– and I felt bad about it, but they all understood why I didn’t want her there.

 

Post # 9
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I feel for you and will be curious to know how you are dealing with this as my fiance is in a very similar situation.  Hope that you can focus on the positive aspects of your wedding! I can’t offer much advice, but just want to send a virtual hug.

Post # 10
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Mrs. Gremmlin:  IF you didn’t invite her, I think sending her pictures could do one of two things, maybe both. One, it would make her think you care when you probably don’t if you don’t speak to her. Two, it could cause way more drama because you had the audacity to throw it in her face that she wasn’t there for your wedding (thinking as her).

If it were me, I wouldn’t contact in any form.

@MissGreen:  agreed. I guess I can see the merit in sending a letter, rather then by phone or in person. I agree, write a letter!

Post # 11
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

@Mrs. Gremmlin:  I would not send pictures; that could come off very badly. 

Post # 12
Member
2183 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

@MissGreen:  

@MrsSl82be:  I had offered to send her pictures in my letter. I know she wants to see them. The question is do I want to send them. She won’t be angry– sure, she’ll be sad, but I think she’d still appreciate seeing us so happy. And hopefully, she now sort of understands why I couldn’t share the day with her. 

Post # 14
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m not inviting one of my sisters.  I have not told her yet–I think I am waiting until after next Christmas so I don’t have to deal with her (wedding is May 2013) so I definitely agree with waiting until after your brother’s wedding.  Just try to ignore the texts as much as you can and the next one she sends after his wedding, reply to it that you would prefer not to be in contact with her and that she is not welcome at your wedding.  Also talk to your brother and ask him not to tell her where/when your wedding is.  If she presses him, he can tell her to call you so he’s not stuck in the middle.

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