How do I nicely ask FI's aunt to back off?

posted 5 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Cottage

futuremrsl8 :  This is his aunt so HE need to put the breaks on this nonsence and set boundaries. From the sounds of it, she is bored, lonely and opinionated and that is a recipe for becoming like a third wheel in a relationship which is what she has done. Your FI needs to find a way to tell her that she is way too involved in your lives and it’s not healthy. 

Post # 3
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

It’s your FI’s family, so it’s his responsibility, not yours. The two of you need to be on the same page. 

Post # 4
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

You can definately say please keeo your opinions to yourself… she has overstepped her boundaries by a long shot

But also your FI needs to tell her to take it down a few notches seems like he feels bad for her and has a hard time saying no

Post # 2
Member
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You do nothing. It won’t go well.

Your fiancé needs to address this with her.

Post # 3
Member
6251 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

Ok, so she’s definitely crossing boundaries and being over-involved, over-bearing, etc… no question.

There are a few things I’d try..

1) When she pushes things, like the wiring or the dress etc.. just firmly respond “no thanks, I’ve already got it covered.” and if she asks to see it just say “it’s a surprise.” and smile.   FI needs to be with you on this one–if she calls you picky, bombards him with emails, etc.. he needs to just say “I think you’re wrong” and smile.  

On that note..

2) “I think you’re wrong” “Thanks, but no thanks” “I don’t like that” are acceptable things to say.  I know it doesn’t feel that way, but she obviously doesn’t take subtle hints, so be direct.  Say it without malice: you’re just stating a fact.  “Please no unsolicited opinions–we’ve been getting too many of them and it’s not helping!” is OK.  Avoid saying “we’ve been getting too many of them FROM YOU” so at least then it just sounds like a general issue rather than OMFG LADY STFU.  Maybe I’m just rude–but I figure if someone is brazen enough to decide it’s OK if they can take over your life, you’re allowed to be brazen enough to tell them directly to step off.  (Can you tell the thing I hate most is people trying to control me?)

3) Limit contact.  If she keeps doing it, your plan of not inviting her over until you’re settled makes perfect sense.  Oh, and definitely tell the hospital that she is not allowed in to see you until 48 hours after delivery–no ifs, ands, or buts.  There is the occasional horror story of hospitals not following instructions but generally they’re pretty good about keeping out people you want them to keep out.

When it comes to gifts from her.. do your best to extricate yourself from the context before reacting/responding.  No matter how you cut it, a $400 custom made gift requires grace on your part, even if it’s not right for you.  If she does get you something like that you’ll just have to say thank you–I can’t think of a good way out of that one.

Post # 4
Member
2908 posts
Sugar bee

futuremrsl8 :  I would tell your fiance that he needs to talk to her before you do because if it gets to the point that you need to, its not going be polite. Hopefully that will kick him into gear. Also don’t answer questions about the wedding if you can avoid it. Day we haven’t decided yet. Thank you for offering but we’re good. Those types of responses.

FWIW she sounds annoying and you’ve been more patient than I would have been. 

Post # 5
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Will you need her for child care?

 

 

Post # 6
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

futuremrsl8 :  First and foremost, If this is your fiance’s family member – he def should help you out. My Fi’s fam has had a few intense people who have overstepped and he and his mom handled it out of respect for me. At a point though if it gets to be so much happening with you and her alone, and no one else is around, it is definitely time to stand your ground and just tell her off. I don’t think you’re in the wrong for saying thanks no thanks, or look this is what I am doing. That’s it.

Post # 7
Member
439 posts
Helper bee

amanda1988 :  this 1000%

OP: You’re about to be family and she will take a million more liberties with you and your boundaries once youre married & have your baby. Set boundaries & curb expectation now. 

1. Stop including her in wedding planning/showing her the house/discussing baby. If she’s not paying for anything, then she has no reason to be discussing it with you other than curiosity or her own selfish desire.

2. Bean dip the crap out of her. I wish this was a more common phrase here, but when she brings it up, just redirect and distract her. “I’ve already chosen the paint colors, would you like to try some of this amazing bean dip?”…”That table doesn’t really fit our long term needs for wedding or house, bean dip?”…”we’ve decided that we don’t want visitors while I’m healing and we’re meeting our little one for the first time, try some frickin bean dip!”

3. If she’s relentless and will not be redirected, become a broken record, “thank you for your input, but DH & I have it covered.” And if she pushes the convo “AIL, DH & I have it covered, please drop it.” And eventually it turns to “I’ve already said our decision is not up for discussion, if you can’t respect that, I will leave/hang up.” And follow through.

Make her learn boundaries before your child comes and this turns ugly. 

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