(Closed) How do I reconcile two different 'Love Languages'?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2803 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@lovelyMsValentine:  That’s a great point!

Remember to look at the things he does in his language. I know that he loves to cook for you and that isn’t the best right now, but perhaps you should make suggestions to him about tasks that need doing? He will probably jump at the chance to do something that you specifically need done.

Post # 20
Member
2803 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Schrodingers-Car:  You aren’t being silly. If my SO randomly wrote me a love letter or even a sweet text I would most likely fall down (my language is words – can you tell? :P)

About getting gifts for him, does he chew gum or smoke or like a certain soft drink or read a certain magazine? These things to you would be gifts but perhas they are “normal” enough that they wouldn’t seem like gifts to him? I hope that makes sense. 

Post # 22
Member
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Jaey:  

Have you read Love Languages? It’s not about the monetary value of gifts, it’s about the fact that people don’t feel romanced/appreciated if they don’t get their love language met. And that is not some grand theory; the reason the book is so popular is because it is true for the vast majority of couples.

Post # 23
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You have to keep the communication open and just talk to him about it… without judging.

My DH and I are the opposite… like we don’t just have different ones but we have a hard time with the other persons.

Mines physical touch and words of affirmation…. his is acts of service and maybe a little of gifts.

He’ll make me coffee, do the dishes for me, and help me out… or he’ll buy me a little something at the store that he knows i like… I’ve learned to recognize those things and appreciate them and it shows me he cares but it just doesn’t show love to me.

I hate cleaning and working around the house… like it bores me to tears. i’m sorry but its just work. and it feels like a job. and i am frugal so little gifts just cost money. I have been trying to be better about keeping the house clean for him and once in a while i’ll pick him up some cookies or something at the grocery store. I remember one time a while ago he told me how much it meant to him that i folded his laundry? I stared in amazement and shock… seriously? I just did that because you suck at folding. lol

He likes his space and he’s just not the mushy type. One day last week I begged him to come sit on the couch with me instead of his recliner and he refused… totally oblivious to me. I sat by myself a little sad. A few days later i told him that i feel like i’m trying and he’s doing nothing. So he’s like, you need to be straight forward and tell me exactly what you want because i still don’t think i really get it. So i told him the couch thing just as an example and he’s like why didnt you tell me? I just was thinking about how the recliner is more comfortable. Don’t sit around and not say a word and then 3 days later tell me what i should have done. So he told me to just be straight forward and be like “this is one of those things i was talking about”

Men need to be trained.I don’t want to have to ask for it all the time but maybe the more i ask for it then the more he’ll just do it. Idk its worth a shot tho.

Recognize and appreciate the ways that he THINKS he’s showing you love and do more of those little things for him…. But be upfront about what you need and express gratitude for the things he has done.

 

Post # 24
Member
25 posts
Newbee

@Schrodingers-Car:  

My SO and I are like that. Makes me want to throw a fit occasionally but I finally found a way to get through to him. I explained it this way. I like the experiences we have together and the things he does for me but my memory is crap. (Especially with all the school stuff I’m trying to retain for tests) I like objects because they serve as memory cues. And for some reason or another that finally made sense to him. Now when we do things he gets me a trinket to go along with the experience so we both get something out of it. After our conversation he came back and asked if that was why I still have all of the flowers he’s given me over the past 3 years. It was kind of funny to explain that yes that is why I held onto the dead flowers and it would be better if he got me something more resilient to hold onto.

I don’t think that people really get that its not about the objects themselves but receiving them and knowing someone put in the thought to get it for you. Just like its not about getting the laundry done as much as doing it for your SO because you know its their least favorite chore.

P.S. I love your user name! Not sure if this is the right reference for you but… my father has a tee-shirt with “Schrodinger’s cat is alive” on the front and “Schrodinger’s cat is dead” on the back that I adore.

Post # 25
Member
5708 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Schrodingers-Car:  The love language thing, in my experience, only works if BOTH people want to make it work. It doesn’t sound like your husband really understand sor knows about it or maybe even cares to make it work.

Neither one of us had gifts as a love language, but I agree it would be a hard one. It doesn’t necessarily mean jewelry or whatever, but flowers or a hand written sentiment or something. The only way to make your husband understand is if he too wants to work at this and see it as an advantage to making your marriage stronger.

It doesn’t work if only one person tries. My Mother-In-Law tried for about two weeks because she gave up and started bitching about Father-In-Law not taking notice of her cleaning and cooking. He had no appreciation because he didn’t get to communicate to her how it was important to him. He never would have tried anyway, but just saying that you need to talk to your hubby about it.

Post # 26
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

@Schrodingers-Car:  I feel you, I’m having much the same issue at the moment with my OH. My language is gifts and acts of service, his is words. I’ve tried to explain that it doesn’t mean expensive jewellery, and it’s not materialism – what I’d love more than anything is a bunch of daffodils just because, or a playlist made for me, or for him to bring me a chocolate bar unasked when I’m having a bad day. I’be made a big effort to accommodate his needs by writing him cards etc, because I find it really difficult to express myself sometimes, but it’s easier when I can write it down. He forgot my birthday the first year we were together, and turned up at Christmas without a present – I wasn’t impressed! 

I love to give gifts –  I spend ages scouring shops and online for thoughtful things, or spend my evenings making things, but they just don’t mean as much to him as words do. 

Post # 27
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Schrodingers-Car:  I think the suggestions regarding specifics are good ones– I find that it’s a lot easier to ask someone to do something specific rather than in general.  e.g. “please remember to keep the apartment clean” v. “please make sure the kitchen counters are clean by wiping and clearing things off.”  Perhaps explaining the different small things he could do for you and then having a conversation about which ones are more feasible to him and how it would work logisticallly (e.g. “yes, I do swing by x grocery store on my way home on wednesdays) would be helpful.  totally agree with Kate0058 about being ridiculously straight-forward in the moment “i had a really bad day and could really use a card to cheer me up today– the markers are in the closet.. . yes i’m serious, this is one of those things we talked about, thanks so much”

 

Post # 28
Member
1878 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think that “gifts” is not an easy language to have, because most people who have it feel materialistic asking for gifts.

I don’t think this is being materialistic at all, though. A small token of affection (even a dandelion picked on a walk together and handed to you) can carry volumes of sentiment.

I think it can be daunting for guys in the gift department… they are worried about being rejected.
My sister’s bday was yesterday, and we found out her boyfriend returned 3 gifts before giving the one he did… because he was scared they weren’t good enough! It was silly, but sweet of him.

I think writing a list of gifts is a brilliant idea. I love lists, so I’d probably split it into categories – “little gifts” that are more spontaneous (like a note in your lunch, or a flower found somewhere, or a special rock or something) and “Medium gifts” that require a bit mor planning (like a small item you’ve been wanting, or a rose on a dinner date, or a letter). I can’t think of any “big” gifts that might not scare a dude who’s new to this, so I skipped it. πŸ™‚ Maybe later for that one!

Post # 29
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Schrodingers-Car:  One of my love languages is gifts as well- my husband’s main one is physical touch. So we have a hard time and have to be extra conscious of each other’s needs because what I have found is that not because we don’t care about each other’s needs or love each other- but that we are more likely to reflect our wants and needs on the person we love. So for example, I am always the one buying my husband little gifts (usually inexpensive-something I see that I know he’ll love for example last week I picked him up a Batman coffee mug), or baking his favorite cake for him as a gift or getting him or making him a card- and he will always want to cuddle, kiss me, hold my hand. This was not making EITHER of us happy, and when I finally made him read the book and we talked about it together he understood. So my question for you is, has your husband read the book too? That might be a good place to start. Maybe after reading the book he will have a better understanding of what your language entails and then he will be more willing to “speak” it for you.

Post # 30
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m sorry to vent in your board but you know what? I am really sick and tired of people having to apologize and make all kinds of excuses and defend themselves a ton because they want to be given things!

It is perfectly normal and natural to feel happy and loved and valued when receiving a gift; that is why gifts exist, why gifting culture is so strong in our society (and almost universally in human cultures.) A token of affection is truly that– a token of affection, and women in particular are given such a hard time about wanting that!

I’m in a similar situation as you are– gifts are one of my love languages (Haaa I guess I feel strongly about several of them!) whereas FI’s are mostly tasks…or maybe those are just the areas where we feel our needs are being unmet, because he stresses about finances and I’m sort of lazy. We’re both very verbally and physically affectionate, and he’s very giving in terms of tasks, and I really hate chores but I’m generous to the point of being irresponsible sometimes with giving people things that will make them happy. 

I don’t really have any advice for you, I wish I did. I wish I could solve this problem for myself too! But don’t feel bad about wanting what makes you feel loved. 

Post # 31
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Schrodingers-Car:  Has he read the Love Languages book as well? Maybe it would give him some ideas as to how to accomodate your language πŸ™‚

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