(Closed) How do I respond to my fiance’s fears about a big wedding?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Your wants are both valid, but unfortunately your want of family effects more people so you get to invite them…

As for his fears I would offer to invite his parents over with your parents at least once to get to know each other so they can feel they know more people.  If he or the parents dont want it then you can then say “I have tried to introduce them, but they dont want to come to dinner so I am sorry I tried to fix this, but I can’t”. Also, arent his parents inviting their family too? They can talk to them.

It sounds like he has a little social anxiety disorder, possibly. Ask him what makes him nervous to mix people. Walk through the “worst case” scenario and hopefully he will realize its really not that bad.

Ask him if he would prefer to be married by a Justice of the Peace earlier in the day or the day before and then renew the vows at the “big wedding”

Post # 4
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Similar to the previous post, why don’t you guys compromise by having a private/intimate ceremony prior to the large wedding?

Post # 5
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

tough situation, it sounds like you both need to sit down and just talk about what the solution to everything could be and figure out a middleground that you can both be okay with…personally, I think you need to both meet each other halfway on what the solution will be since you are in totally opposite directions-it shouldn’t be all your way, but also not all his way either…maybe a smaller ceremony and then everyone at the reception?

Post # 7
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

so to me, it sounds like the actual heart of the issue all has to do with his parents…it doesn’t sound like having a bigger wedding is even the actual issue-its that his parents haven’t seen how he acts in large settings and is afraid of what they will think…he just needs to have a few drinks himself and actually BE himself and not worry about what his parents will think and just have a good time, he’s a big boy

Post # 8
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think you need to ask him point blank what he’d like, given your current situation.

If there is truth to you wanting a big wedding and him not really wanting one but just going along with it – you need to own up to that.  

It sounds like he’s feeling left out of the process and unheard – which is a horrible thing to feel about your own wedding.

Try to bring him into the process any way you can.  With two months left, a lot has already been done – but perhaps if he feels he has some say in the process, he’ll feel like he has some ownership in it.

Keep in mind, what he wants may not be what you want and you may need to make some sacrifices.  It’s ok to have things you absolutely want – but, also remember that a happy bride & groom usually trumps any wedding related issue.  And sometimes, the route to that happiness means compromising on something you really want.

Post # 9
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

First, the wedding is really about the bride.  Not that many men want a big to-do.  We can say whatever we want, but that’s the truth.

I also come from a good-sized family (22 first cousins).  FI’s family is considerably smaller/less close.  He also did not like being the center of attention.

Most of his parents invites showed up.  Once we had some RSVP’s his parents were considerably more excited.  Once Darling Husband had a couple beers, he was fine too.

In a nutshell–FI needs to suck it up. And his parents need to let it go and have fun.  It sounds like he is talking about their concerns, not necessarily his. 

Post # 11
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

With two months to go and since his biggest fear is is parents seeing him as a “real person” (IE drink dance.. have fun) I would very nicely he has set him self up for this situation.

Ask him to invite his parents out to a wine bar for a glass of wine. Then they will have seen him drink- just him and his parents. Ask him to talk with them about the wedding and what to expect, who is invited so they will know frat brothers will be there.

It sounds, mostly, like its his anxiety that is the problem, and not the actual wedding size.

Post # 12
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

When you went over the worst cases with him, two of them had to do with drinking. Is there a way you can have alcohol for folks but have the bar staff keep it under control? Perhaps reassuring him of this factor will help soothe his concerns. Maybe among the first things you do at the reception is go around as a couple with his parents and introduce them to a few friends. Even that little introduction will make everyone more at ease for the remainder of the time together. Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Micaela10:  what I meant by ‘unheard’ is not that you haven’t been listening, but that it sounds like he feels like you haven’t been listening.  Giving input and making decisions on a plan that you embraced because your partner wants it – would be similar to you going along with his plan, but in your heart, really wanting the big wedding.  Can you see how that would make you feel?  He went along with it, because he knew that’s what you wanted, but all along never really wanted it.   

Are you guys doing any sort of pre-martial counseling?  Since it sounds like your goal in all of this is to help your Fiance through his fears and, even more importantly, work through issues so it doesn’t breed resentment down the road – perhaps a 3rd party could help you with that and maybe even help with a compromise.  It also sounds like there are a lot of layers of issues going on, and talking it over a professional may help both of you in the long run.

If he’s having a hard time about what’s going to happen (the marriage), then maybe he could even benefit from some personal counseling.  From what you’ve said about him pretending that he’s not marrying into a big family and him being raised very private, he may need some help crossing over that bridge and learning how to open up to other people. 

Does he deal with any sort of social anxiety in general (like when you go to big parties or events)?

Part of me thinks the only thing you can do (to help him with his fears) is to listen to them, to acknowledge them, and to assure him.   You can’t make them go away, but you can be supportive and understanding (by listening, acknowledging, etc.)

 

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