(Closed) How do I talk to my bridesmaids?

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Take care of yourself, Bee. De-stress, light some candles, have a glass of wine, get your Fiance to give you a footrub, sleep in one day if you can, watch a favorite movie. I’m sorry your BMs aren’t volunteering to help, but that’s really not their job.

If someone sent me a “heads up reminder” that they would be decorating their venue a particular day, I probably wouldn’t respond either. I wouldn’t want to be the one going “Sorry, can’t make it, hope you’re having fun!!” if I assumed everyone else in the group text was going to be there.

OR, maybe your bridesmaids aren’t responding because you’ve already blown up at the them, had several of these “You hurt my feelings when you ____” talks that you want to have again at the rehearsal dinner, and now they don’t want to answer for fear of you trying to talk them into it or make them feel worse.

The WORST way to “de-stress” would be to plan to have a Come To Jesus meeting with your bridesmaids during/after the rehearsal dinner about how no one volunteered to help you set up or asked you to hang out the week of your wedding.

Like I said: have a glass of wine. Catch up on “Stranger Things.” Read a book. Go to an extra church service. De-stress the way you would in any other circumstance, and don’t let the bridesmaids trouble your thoughts one more moment.

Post # 17
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

First, if you need help you need to hire help or flat out ask for it. Waiting for your BMs to approach you about it is going to bascially, well, get you here. They aren’t obligated to help and while yes it would have been considerate for them to text you to see if they could do anything, they are not bad bridesmaids for not doing so.

Second, if you don’t have any way to hire outside help at this point, you should CALL your BMs, and ask nicely for some assistance. You should also make it clear that you aren’t mad at them if they can’t/don’t want to. It’s not their job or their wedding so their only real responsibility is to show up on time and ready to be BMs.

Third, yes, it does suck that they didn’t text you back, but it is really hard to say no to a bride. How do you think you would have responded if they would’ve said they can’t make it or didn’t want to or whatever? We’d all probably be commenting on a thread asking how to deal with BMs who have flat out refused to help, lol. They probably just assumed that if they didn’t text you back, that you’d move on. They were wrong.

Fourth, do NOT, whatever you do, in any way, bring this up to them tomorrow at your wedding. They didn’t technically do anything wrong and I highly doubt that they did any of it to intentionally hurt you. So bringing it up (and there’s no nice way to do it, sorry) is only going to cause more drama more hurt and more awkwardness. Skip it.

Finally, today, delegate. Let other people take care of some tasks (mom, aunts, cousins, whomever you can find) and YOU take some time to relax. This is a happy wonderful time–treat yourself to a mani/pedi, go get a massage if you can, even just take a bubble bath and have a bottle of wine. Take some time for yourself without anyone else around and I bet you’ll feel better. Enjoy your weekend. ūüôā You’ll be glad you did!

Post # 18
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You don’t need to talk to them about anything. ¬†They aren’t uncooperative children. ¬†Find some family members to help you. ¬†They really should take the “maid” out of that word because they really aren’t.

I don’t mean this to sound harsh, but it would be more helpful to you emotionally if you realized that you are causing your own anxiety and depression. ¬†You shouldn’t be blaming others, like your bridesmaids, for causing your emotions to go haywire. ¬†Your many expectations of others is leading to that. ¬†Please care for yourself. ¬†Do things you enjoy. ¬†Healing things like a bath or a walk.

Be a problem solver. ¬†You need decorating help? ¬†Hire someone. Or maybe your Fiance could help you. ¬†Don’t put a damper on your wedding by having unrealistic expectations of others and then pouting.

 

Post # 19
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Also, if you set up yesteray and today, that’s a Thursday/Friday – isn’t there a high likelihood your bridesmaids were working? Unless they’re all unemployed or work nights, the number of months you gave them notice (how did that go down? “DON’T FORGET TO PUT IT ON YOUR GOOGLE CALENDAR, August 18th we are hanging streamers!!”) is irrelevant. No one is going to take personal days to decorate someone else’s local wedding.

Wine + Bath + Netflix, Bee. It will do you a world of good.

Post # 20
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Florida

Did you send out a random text saying ‘decorating tomorrow!’ Or ‘hey we’re decorating tomorrow, does anyone have a little free time to help me out?’ If it was the first, they probably felt it didn’t warrant a response. If you actually asked, like in the second example, and they didn’t respond, I’d be hurt and upset, because that’s just rude of them to blow you off. They could simply say ‘sorry not available’. Seems like there’s a little miscommunication. Also if you’re looking for cheap labor, try task rabbit. 

Post # 21
Member
6945 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

The only thing I’d be kind of upset with here is that your BMs seem to be ignoring your texts. But that all really depends on what these texts to them actually say… 

As other PPs have pointed out, it isn’t their job to help you decorate for your wedding. You said “heavy” decorating, so I don’t know quite what that entails, but it sounds like you should’ve hired someone to help out. Sure, it would be nice if they offered to help out, but not everyone has the time or energy for that. Have you talked to each of them individually (I don’t mean by text)? Right before my wedding I was super stressed out too but I knew that was going to happen. For the few things I really wanted help with, I made sure to ask each Bridesmaid or Best Man specifically about it weeks in advance. And still, it wasn’t much (I asked one to write a poem out on our chalkboard because she has better handwriting, I asked my Maid/Matron of Honor to tell me if my hair and makeup looked crappy and make sure I drink tons of water). The decorating fell on my shoulders and that was totally fine because it was my wedding. 

Post # 22
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Sorry but I disagree with all PPs. No, it’s not your bridesmaids obligation to help you but it’s the nice thing to do. Is it your obligation to hold the door for someone? No, but you do it anyway because it’s the nice thing to do. If your bridesmaids are not available to help with the more manual things, fine, everyone has their own lives. But I would hope they would still be available just to listen to you or be a shoulder to cry on. 

I would probably be upset like you are. We choose bridesmaids based on who has been there for us everyday. Were they obligated to do that? No, but they did because they care and that’s what friends do.

Sorry, I don’t really have any advice for you, but I just wanted to state my point that I am really sick of reading about how bridesmaids have no obligation but to stand next to you while you get married. It may not be an obligation of a bridesmaid to help with wedding planning, but a good friend should help when their friend needs it, in whatever way they can

Good luck, OP and have the best wedding day!

Post # 23
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Bridesmaids do not have an obligation to help you decorate, plan your wedding, or do your arts/crafts projects. If they offer that’s very generous of them, but don’t expect them to.  You can ask, but they have the right to say no. 

Post # 24
Member
9391 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I find activity helps ,e distress the most. Hot yoga, running, swimming.. It helps me a lot, I’m always so much more at peace afterwards.

Post # 25
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

I completely feel your frustration bee. I get bridesmaids aren’t obligated to be at your beck and call but what I don’t understand is how people on this site scold brides asking them for help. I mean accepting the role in my opinion should warrant that they would be expected to help in some way. Not slaves but help the bride out. That is my opinion. 

 

But don’t lose it bee, stay calm and have a glass of wine you got this! 

Post # 26
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Hunting Hill Mansion

View original reply
grapefruit19 :  Thank you!! I hate the mentality that the majority of the Bees have on here of bridesmaids only standing by your side on the day of and whatever. Sure. That’s all they HAVE to do. But if you’re so disinterested in being a Bridesmaid or Best Man that’s you only want to show up on wedding day, decline the invitation. I’m of the mind that unless a bridesmaid has something major going on (work, kids, school, etc.), they should at least put some kind of effort forth to help wedding plan. Isn’t that the point?! They’re supposed to be your closest friends.

If any of my BMs ask me to be in their wedding party (fingers crossed they all get engaged soon!) I will ready to pitch in however I can help!

Post # 27
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
emilypaige :  free wedding planner / DIY participant is not, in fact, the point. 

Post # 28
Member
2141 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

View original reply
emilypaige :  no, thats not the point… at all

 

planning a wedding is a job, its something you PAY for, infact it something you pay A LOT for… not hold your friends to ransom for free labor for the ‘honor’ of being involved in YOUR event and if thats how you view it then its a pretty questionable friendship

Post # 29
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
crazedbride2017 :  A bride is allowed to ask. A bridesmaid is also allowed to decline. A bride is NOT allowed to feel entitled to help or throw a hissy when everyone won’t rearrange their life/schedule to help with DIY or venue decorating. That’s bananas. If you want someone to plan and execute your wedding for you, pay a planner like everyone else. 

Post # 30
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Ask them to go for coffee and bring uphow u feel

 

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