(Closed) How do I talk to my bridesmaids?

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
Member
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Yeah, bridesmaids are not free labor. They haven’t done anything to hurt you. Ask your fiance to help, they’re in this too.

Oh and to the poster up there I forgot to tag^ no that is not the point of Bridesmaids or friends. Friendship is about support, not free labor (and complaining about each other on an online forum when they refuse to volunteer)

Post # 32
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I didn’t hear much of anything from my bridesmaids the week of my wedding either. And unless you talked to them farther in advance of your wedding and they agreed to help, you can’t ask them at the last minute and expect them to be available. I doubt they’re doing it to hurt you.

And seriously, when I have my period, stuff like this seems like the end of the world. I tend to read waaay too much into things and assume the worst.

Post # 33
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Los Coyotes Country Club

I expect help from my bridesmaids. Not because they are in the wedding but because they are my near and dear friends/family and that’s what family does. As a bridesmaid, I felt my job was to make the bride’s journey to the alter easier. So I think most people that say what a bridesmaids “job” is or isn’t are the same ones that say you should only have those important to you by your side. 🙄

Post # 34
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

Sorry but I disagree with other posters about bridesmaids not obligated to help…I would agree if this bride flips out one week into her wedding planning and expects her girls to say yes to everything, but this is like a few days before wedding? And these bridesmaids who’ve promised to help are not even answering my texts and not letting me know ANYTHING (if they could help, if they could make it) a couple of days before my wedding? I would lose my shit I think, I won’t even know if I have to last minute hire someone to do the job!

The last thing a bridesmaid could do (if they really can’t offer any practical or monetary help, which are not obligations at all of course) is to de-stress the bride, not adding stress to her. 

OP: try to calm down and if possible find some backup in case the girls don’t turn up for the decorating. Make sure that everything will go well even without them and you’ll have a blast! Good luck x

Post # 35
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Hunting Hill Mansion

View original reply
btob17 :  Wow who would have thought that the night I spent laughing and drinking wine with my friends and family as we tied together placecards was holding my bridesmaids to ransom 😒

Post # 36
Member
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

What you guys are not understanding is the issue isn’t that it’s completely wrong to have BM’s help with stuff. It’s completely fine to have a girl’s night in, have some wine, and do some DIY projects, there’s NOTHING wrong with that. But it becomes a problem when you EXPECT them to want to do that stuff, not everyone likes to do DIY projects, some people are very busy, some people just don’t want to, it doesn’t make them a bad friend, it makes them a person with choices. You cannot expect them to drop obligations for you just because you’re the bride, you don’t become a special magical person just because you’re the bride, it doesn’t work that way. It’s fine to accept help, it’s not ok to complain about your friends behind their backs when they don’t do what you want.

Post # 37
Member
6902 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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bridetobee254 :  Bridesmaids may not be required to do anything, but let’s all be honest, we’d be pretty bummed if they didn’t respond at all – not even to say “yay, wedding tomorrow!” or something.  I think it’s fine that you’re disappointed and asking someone to do something to help the day before isn’t really that out of line.

However, I’m very much into this weird button that every phone has.  It’s kinda shaped like an ‘old timey’ telephone.  If you touch it, it calls the person you choose and you can actually speak to them.  With your mouth.  And they’ll hear it.  They’ll hear your lovely voice, your intonation, your disappointment should you have some, your attitude should you have one of those.  It’s amazing and it really helps people contextualize what they hear which typing often does not. (This, for instance, should sound like sarcasm with a touch of patronization, whereas my first paragraph sounded more empathetic and understanding – I feel both things right now).  CALL THEM!

Post # 38
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

View original reply
coloradohiker88 :  I completely hear you. But what I don’t understand is the mentality where brides are scolded on this site when they get a little bummed out that their bridesmaids won’t help out. I fortunately have been blessed with a preety decent group who won’t stop offering to help it’s not my full wedding party but a few. It just baffles me that a bridesmaid wouldn’t want to help at all. I know there is no obligation I just believe these are you closet friends you would think they would want to. But everyone thinks differently. I just feel birdes shouldn’t get scolded over being hurt about it when the point of this site is to receive advice and vent your frustrations whether everyone feels they are warranted or not.

Post # 39
Member
1376 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

View original reply
emilypaige :  “Work, school, kids”

You do realize that pretty much everyone has at least one of those things going on? Some people all three.

Post # 40
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
crazedbride2017 :  I totally agree. I’ve seen a few threads like that and most of the time they follow up the scolding with “my bridesmaids were really helpful/involved, but I wouldn’t have been upset if they weren’t”…right. Pretty easy to say when that isn’t your situation.

Post # 41
Member
12 posts
Newbee

I hate to agree but I think I have too! I think if you needed help with the venue and other errands that should have been communicated when you asked them to be apart of their wedding. 

Post # 42
Member
5465 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
bridetobee254 :  I’m going to need more information. Did they already offer to help? It sounds like you all already planned to hang out but they ditched you? Is that correct?

If so you have a right to be mad that they already promised to help. If they didn’t promise to help, well maybe they have to go to work? I know I wouldn’t have time because I work long hours during the week.

But I would have at least texted back. The not texting back seems to be a theme here in these boards. I feel like being ignored is the thing that gets to all of us. Its one thing if people can’t or it’s simply not their cup of tea, but for petes sake answer a text! I’ve noticed that in many advice boards both wedding and not wedding related. Being ignored is simply the modern day eqiuvalent of being shunned and it doesn’t feel good. No one is obligated to answer or be on demand if you will, but common courtesy when planning things is a must.

I say, don’t say anything yet. Give yourself time to relax and take a bath with some essential oils. Get some sleep. Do some yoga if thats your thing. If you’ve slept on it and it still bothers you, say something. But say it nicely, you don’t want to ruin the vibe of your wedding. Perhaps say, hey I’m having food (food is a great way to get people together) at my place at __time/date. We’re also having wine/beer/selzter (whatever your thing is). It’s a decorating party to get some of the items assembled. Or whatnot.

 

 

 

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