(Closed) How do I talk to my mother about me cohabiting with my fiance?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I’ve been in this situation before on a smaller scale but have a very similar mother. It sucks because you really care what your mom thinks about you but you are trying to be practical and logical when it comes to how to deal with a fiance who needs a play to stay. It is best to be honest and tell her what happened and soften the blow with he had to move out ASAP and you two are trying to find a housing situation but right now you haven’t found a cheap place for him to live yet.

She is helping you pay bills and because of that, she needs to know what is going on. Unless you stop taking her money, it’s another story. Hiding things from her while taking her money, well that will eventually come out if she pays you a surprise visit.

In my situation, my mom ended up telling me she wouldn’t pay for my entire wedding because my fiance and I decided to have sex before we were married. She’s influenced by her faith and feels to stick to what she believes, including how she spends her money, even if it is her first daughter’s wedding. Making adult decisions means you have to face adult consequences. For the most part, even telling white lies isn’t good and will always come back to haunt you… I’m learning that one real quick.

Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

This was me; right down to my Fiance feeling like I was ashamed of him and all, since his family was so much more liberal on the idea of a couple living together before marriage and he couldn’t understand why anyone would have an issue with it.

My parents are also very conservative (and Catholic) and were not the most thrilled about my dating Fiance in the first place. They always took the stance that moving in together for financial reasons was not a good excuse, because there was so much more vested in a relationship than money (we are trying to save up for a home). However, they did not help pay any of my bills…so I guess that does change the situation a bit from yours.

I told my dad first, since I always found him to be more reasonable and understanding. He wasn’t too thrilled, but he couldn’t do anything about it. He made sure to let me know he didn’t agree with it, though.

I was more nervous about telling my mom, and it took a couple months for me to finally get my courage up to tell her (dad didn’t tell her, because he said it was my responsibility).

When I did finally call and tell my mom, I told her that there was something I had been wanting to tell her for a couple months, but was so worried about how she would take it that I didn’t have the courage to bring it up sooner, and she had a much different reaction than what I was expecting. She said that she pretty much expected for us to move in together because that seems to be the norm of young couples these days and was pretty much cool with it. Also, there wasn’t anything she could do about it, though.

Would you and your Fiance be able to handle the bills together if you split them between the two of you? Maybe you can handle the payments without your mom’s help then?

The best thing to do is to be honest with her, and absolutely make sure to point out that he is not just a boyfriend, he is your Fiance and you plan on spending the rest of your life with this person so it’s different from just “shacking up” as the case may be for other people that are constantly moving in with their new “flavor-of-the-month”.

Good luck! 🙂

ETA: just wanted to throw in there that my parents have accepted it and haven’t given me any grief about ever since I told them. I’m a grown woman, and they know that they need to let me make my own life decisions.

Post # 6
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

A friend of mine was in a similar situation but her parents were paying her entire rent and she was not engaged when her thenn boyfriend moved in secretly. He had been in a bad living situation and stayed with her most of the time but she knew her parents would not approve of him actually living with her and feared they would stop financially supporting her. Her parents lived about an hour away but visited pretty often as the rest of the damily lived nearer to her. He didn’t bring much stuff so it was easy to hide his presence and her parents never spent the night so it would be normal for him to “visit” while they were there. Do I think her parents knew he lived there, absolutely, they are not stupid and I’m sure they eventually caught on. She told them he didn’t live there and I don’t think anyone wanted to make anything more ouot of it. When she moved to a new apartment, he officially moved in with her and started contributing financially. They eventually got married with her parents support and her parents are now supporting her through a divorce. I’m sure they are not happy with the divorce either being quite religious people but they support her because she is their daughter and they have the financial means to do so. I think you know your situation better than anyone else and need to decide if it is best to tell your mom he lives there or continue to hide him. Has anyone in your family co-habitated? My cousin lived with his Fiance for a couple of years before getting married so my normally conservative family was not at all shocked when I moved in with mine which kind of suprised me. If you need to depend on your mom’s financial support to make rent, even together, it may be best to let her believe he is just visiting and see if he can stay with a friend while she visits you. After all, you are not hurting her by keeping this information from her and you are living on your own. I would try to take steps to become financially independent so you don’t have to keep hiding him from your family.

Post # 7
Member
2239 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think you should tell your mom since she’s cosigner and is helping you out financially. She might not like it, but then again, she could surprise you. I would just be ready to find a way to make up the money she gives you in the case that she really is unhappy with the situation and refuses to contribute. 

Post # 8
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I had a hard time telling my parents (especially my father) my SO and I were moving in together. I told them at first it was for financial reasons, but in all honesty we wanted to live together. My grandparents and sibling made judgmental comments but I allowed it to roll off of me.

My situation differs from yours because we both had just graduated college, have good jobs and can afford to live on our own. I don’t need a cosigner and no one pays any of my bills expect I and my SO. I know you are still in school, but if you and your Fiance want to live together your parents shouldn’t be attached. Your mom might stop paying bills and she might want to end the lease, what are you going to do then? It’s a possibility if you guys want to live together, better start coming up with a plan.

Post # 9
Member
17 posts
Newbee

Tricky situation! I like PPs thoughts.

I know it’s important to be respectful and clue your mom in. But I have to admit, my first thought is…as long as Boyfriend or Best Friend living there doesn’t ADD to your expenses, what can your mom really say? She co-signed, so if you were thinking of adding your Boyfriend or Best Friend to the lease, that’d be a different story. (I wouldn’t do that if I were you until you’re not taking money from your parents anymore and they’re not co-signing anything.)

From a logistical and financial standpoint, I think you’re fine. It would have been better to ask her beforehand out of courtesy, though. I think a co-signer deserves to know if there’s another person living with you, be it a roommate or SO. So maybe it will help if you and Boyfriend or Best Friend offer for him to put up a small security deposit?

I think when you talk to your mom, you should be respectful, but calm and confident. You should have let her know before you took in a roommate if she’s co-signing and supporting you financially, but you are doing nothing wrong in living with your SO, as long as he is a good person and kind and fair to you!

When you talk to her, maybe say something like, “Hey, Mom, I need to run something by you, and I know I should have brought it up sooner. The thing is, Boyfriend or Best Friend has been in a tight spot financially, so he’s staying with me at the apartment for a little while.” Then you can go from there as far as discussing his living with you long-term. Ease her into it. Smile It’ll also help if your mom knows your BF–if that’s not the case, or even if it is, maybe all of you could meet up for lunch to talk about it?

Good luck! I know how hard it is to navigate the waters of what’s allowed when your parents are still contributing financially.

Post # 10
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Definitely think about how you will handle your finances if she decides to no longer support you financially.  When my husband and I moved in together before we got engaged, we discussed this a lot.  My parents were very clear that I moved in with anyone prior to marriage, their financial support, such as paying for part of my tuition, would end immediately (they would still provide emotional support, love me, etc though).  I don’t recommend hiding this from her, but you need to figure out what you will do if she doesn’t take the news well.

Post # 11
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

One thing that your mom may be worried about is that she is essentially now paying for your FI’s living expenses. Now that your Fiance is there, can he maybe cover the money she was giving to you? 

You will need to make it very clear to her that he is still contributing and you aren’t just letting him “mooch” off you and her. 

In terms of her and her beliefs there may not be much you can do about it. 

Post # 12
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I was actually living with my parents when I started dating my husband. I started spending the night at his house when my parents went on vacation. Then when they came home, I had to tell my mom that I wanted to continue spending some nights at his house. I was TERRIFIED! And like you said, I felt kind of slutty, which is silly, b/c I was in a serious relationship. So one day I just told her that I was going to stay at his house. Her response…. “That’s good!” Not sarcastic, she really thought it was a good idea. It weirded me out, but I would have never known she’d have a positive response if I didn’t ask.

Obviously after that I wasn’t scared about telling her I was going to move in with him.

Post # 14
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Based on personal experience, when my parents found out that my husband (then BF) was often staying at my apartment, they were very upset – even though he was renting a room in a friend’s house.  They didn’t care if that we weren’t “officially’ living together – they were upset that he was staying over at all!  I would be very cautious about “lying by omission” to your mom – it usually doesn’t turn out so well.

Post # 15
Member
4419 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

If you are old enough to decide to get married, I think you are old enough to decide to live together. If she is the co-signer on the lease, she cannot back out of being the co-signer. She is already legally bound to remain the co-signer. Being a co-signer does not give her the option to tell you who can live with you. If she were your roommate, she would have much more say in that than a co-signer does. She does, however, have the right to withdraw her financial support. She doesn’t have to pay your bills, and again, if you’re old enough to decide to get married, you should be able to handle your own bills. I know that sounds harsh, but once you are married, she won’t continue paying your bills, so you should be prepared for that.

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