(Closed) How do I tell a friend he's not invited?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would send Jessie an invite and wait until he asks where his is. And then say that unfortunately there isn’t enough room for him.

Post # 4
5242 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@DarceyD:  I agree with your decision. It seems she is a better friend to you now then he is and you just want to do right for your friend especially since his current behaviour hasnt been too stellar. I had to not invite one of my longtime guy friends to our destination wedding cause he is in love and almost stalkerish with one of my bridesmaids (I introduced them..ooops!) but I had to do right by my friend and wanted her to feel comfortable at my wedding which is what you are also doing.

Post # 5
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would flat out tell him. I mean… the guy’s been a jerk, what does he expect? 

Post # 7
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

As someone over 50 (who also had a sh!tty Divorce)


You didn’t send him an Invite, your “role” is complete.  He will most definitely figure it out… “I didn’t send you a long time friend an Invite… because I am ticked with you”

If he is a big jerk… he’ll call or email to ask why

Then you’ll get your opportunity…

And as much as you might want to say “Because you are a DICK HEAD that treated a good friend of mine so poorly”…

It would be better to use the lady-like answer that @asscherlover: supplied above…

“Unfortunately, there isn’t enough room”

It is the out and out truth.  You don’t have to say this next part outloud, but there really isn’t enough room for him and his Ex-Wife in the same room in light of what he’s done to her, and the friendship you all had once-upon-a-time.

Not to mention the fact that who’d want someone so anti-everything that a traditional marriage stands for (faithfulness – sharing lives & assets) to be at your wedding when you exchange vows to uphold those beliefs !!

He was a dick when he cheated on her, but a bigger one when he didn’t come clean with it, and decided to hide assets… and a HUGE one when he said he wanted to work things out, but left her to go back to comfort his “bit on the side”… really how many times does this guy expect to get a “by” from his friends, family and loved ones ??

Sad, but it is a fact of life.  Marriages can bring out the best & worst in people.

Be that when you “celebrate” one such as you are doing (poorly behaved guests seem to be something almost every Bride has to contend with be they family or friends).

Or when you are in a marriage… some people thrive in a loving relationship, some people just turn a tragedy into a 3 ring circus.  Don’t feel bad you’ve excluded this clown

By The Way…

(( HUGS )) to you and your Girlfriend (and her daughter) … let her know there are people who respect the santity of marriage and all that it stands for.  I went thru a horrible divorce in my 40s and thought that was it, life was over… who would ever love me the broke virtually homeless gal (my Ex was a dick-head too… tried many of the same stunts hers is).  BUT ya know what, good people attract good people… I now am engaged to the most terrific man… and sooo looking forward to our upcoming marriage.  Yes, the sun will rise on LOVE another day.

PS… As for my Ex.  Karma bit him in the butt big time !!


Post # 8
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Why would you contact him at all? Send Jessie and invitation and not him. End of story. If he contacts you and asks why he wasn’t invited, then you should craft a response – be it the polite etiquette response, or the you cheated on my close friend you bastard, response. But right now I really think you should just stay out the drama and focus on being a supportive friend to Jessie. 

Post # 9
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Just don’t say anything. But make sure Jessie knows that even if they do reconcile, he will still not be welcome. You don’t want her bringing him along assuming since they’re married, it’s ok to bring him as a plus one.

Post # 10
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Don’t feed the drama. Its rude to call someone up and say “Hi I’m calling you to tell you that you aren’t invited to my wedding!” when he hasn’t even asked you ab it. 

Post # 11
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If you haven’t sent him an invite, I would simply not mention it to him.

Post # 13
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You are clearly making the right decision by not inviting him. I agree with the other posters – don’t do anything. Simply don’t invite him. If he asks, then you can tell him. If you bring it up you’re just getting involved in their private family drama (which really isn’t your place).

Post # 14
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2000

I totally agree that you don’t need to say anything to him, unless he asks. Then, your answer can depend on whether or not you want to try to keep him as a friend in the future (altho I don’t know why you would).

A simple “We had to limit our friends because of the number of family members we needed to invite” will suffice if you want to salvage the friendship.

If not, you can let him have it with both barrels.

Being a guy that you don’t see that often, I doubt that he’ll ask.

Post # 15
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I can’t imagine he would expect to be invited. I wouldn’t say anything personally. The lack of an invite says it all. If he brought it up to you I’d just be direct and say he isn’t invited.  I don’t even think a reason is warranted.  

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