Post # 1
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
How do I tactfully tell my bridesmiad that I might not be able to serve her as her matron of honor? She has another maid of honor and 5 other bridesmaids for a total of 7. I wouldn’t mind being a bridesmaid, but I just don’t have the flexibilty to take off of work in 2016 (when she is getting married) while having the added responsiblity of being her matron of honor. I feel bad because she’s been offering me help for my wedding. I would still want to be in her wedding party, but how do I ask her to “demote” me without hurting her feelings?
Edit: By taking off in 2016, I mean for pre-parties like the bachelorette and bridal showers. I may not even be able to take the day off before the wedding to help out. Basically, I can only attend the wedding… hmmm maybe I should just be a guest lol.
Thanks!
Post # 2
Member
1839 posts
Buzzing bee
Just explain to her that you are honoured to be in her wedding party but are concerned that you don’t have the time and finances to put in towards being her Maid of Honour, and wonder if being a bridesmaid would be better if that’s ok with her.
Personally, as a bride if I had a Maid/Matron of Honor ask me that I would explain that she had that title because of what she means to me, not how much work I expect her to put in and would still like her to be Maid/Matron of Honor. But if it bothered her then she is more than welcome to consider herself as a bridesmaid.
Post # 3
Member
13951 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Be honest. But also be prepared that telling her you can’t get a day off in a year is going to hurt. Most reasonable people will understand if you can’t get time for showers and bachelorette parties, especially when she has a large bridal party to coordinate this, but telling her that one day in a year is too much for you — that’s not going to make her feel good.
Post # 4
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
If she has two MOHs the position probably won’t be much more time consuming than just being a bridesmaid. I never saw the point of having two in the first place…
But I will say that if I was in a friends wedding as a bridesmaid, and then asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and she declined because she was “too busy” for my wedding even though I made time for hers I would feel pretty hurt.
If I were you I would explain my time commitments and ask her if she thinks you should step down, or if she doesn’t mind a Maid/Matron of Honor who can only help out day of. My bet is she’ll be happy to have you as Maid/Matron of Honor anyways.
Good luck 🙂
Post # 5
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper
JiminyCricket: I agree with this. Telling her you can’t spare the day before her wedding a year from now (you seriously can’t book even 2 days off for a wedding in 2016?) isn’t going to go over well.
I can understand not being able to make bachelorette weekends in Vegas or expensive destination weddings etc. But if you are a co-MOH and there are several bridesmaids, then ideally there should be several people involved, even if you can’t make all of the events because of your schedule surely you could make some of them and book off the day before her wedding?
To be honest, it sounds like you just don’t want to be bothered: ‘hmm maybe I should just be a guest lol’ sounds more selfish than truly regretful. But it’s awkward because she’s helping you with your wedding. So you should tell her as soon as possible but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t buy the ‘I’m waaaay too busy!’ story- there are plenty of people out there with demanding careers, families to raise, exams to study for etc who still manage to make time to reciprocate for a friend’s wedding. If I were in her shoes, I would understand that my bridal party all have busy lives and not over-impose, but if someone didn’t want to be in my bridal party I’d rather they just flat out told me. Every bride deserves a bridal party who is truly happy to be in the bridal party.
Post # 6
Member
6944 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Talk to her. Maybe you taking time off for pre-parties isn’t so important and she just really wants you standing next to her on the big day.
My Maid/Matron of Honor lives in another state and is very busy all the time with work. She hardly gets any vacation. Well I told her when I asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor that I totally understood if she couldn’t make it to the shower or bachelorette or whatever. The important thing is the wedding. I love her to death and just because she’s busy doesn’t mean I don’t want her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor.
So just talk to her and be honest. Who knows what she’ll say.
Post # 8
Member
9210 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
whatsarahsaid: Well to me you ask someone to be moh or bridesmaid because of your relationship with them and not for the things they can do for you. A Maid/Matron of Honor has no more responsibility than anyone else prior to the day of the wedding.
If your friend is expecting you to take the day off before her wedding then she is expecting too much.
Post # 9
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: October 2015 - Versailles Banquets (Northwest Suburbs of Chicago)
whatsarahsaid: I have 2 things to say about this….
#1 – As others said, just be honest with her. I have 2 BM’s that have done nothing for the wedding….not even gotten their dresses yet and my wedding is a little over 3 months out. The thought of having them step down down has not even crosed my mind. I asked them because they are that important to me, not because I need all this time from them.
#2 – I do not understand how in mid 2015 you cannot take any days off for 2016 . I just changed companies in March and I am able to have days off; some that are paid and some that are not.
I think there is more to it than you are sharing with us. I feel if somebody wants to step down from a role like that, there are other things going on, not just can’t get the time off that far in advance.
Post # 10
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee
whatsarahsaid: a lot better to be honest now than to be unable to fulfill the responsibilities later.
Post # 11
Member
824 posts
Busy bee
It is so much better for you to talk to her about this now, and just be honest, but be nice and let her know how much you do care. She should understand.
Post # 12
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
RobbieAndJuliahaha: avchicago3: my job requires me to be at work 7 days a week, 10-12 hours a day from October – mid-December in 2016.
edit: i forgot to mention that she will be getting married in october. I’ve already put in the request for the day off, but it’s not guaranteed that it will be approved.
Post # 13
Member
733 posts
Busy bee
Just be honest and explain all this to her and put the ball in her court as to whether she is willing to risk not having you there the day before and the rest if your job doesn’t approve your annual leave request
whatsarahsaid.
