Post # 1
Okay, So I kinda love this site, everyone provides such amazing advice and feedback. SO I have this problem (another, I know). One of my bff’s is in this toxic relationship. THey have been on and off for 5 months now (total relationship time is 7 months). They spend 4 days together (he treats her amazingly, but he is a pushover), and then she complains NON-STOP about how much she can’t stand him. Sometimes she will say they are on a break, sometimes she will end it. He loses his mind, things get nasty, they exchange their belongings, a week later, they are back together. This is especially hard for me because I LIVE WITH HER. At this point, I don’t give two sh*ts about their relationship, and quite frankly, its putting a strain on our friendship. I don’t want to be around them when they are together because I can no longer stand him (because of all the things she tells me when they are broken up) and I can no longer stand to be around her when they aren’t (because of the insane negativity, anger and depression). My boyfriend and other BFF’s are sick of hearing me complain about HER complaints. I AM LOSING MY MIND. I want to be there for her, but she is making it impossible.
How do I tell her that I am sick of hearing about her bs?
Post # 3
“Darla, I really want to be there for you with your relationship problems, but the constant drama makes it really hard. I think it would be best if you move on from your relationship with Bastian. I know it will be best in the long run. Until you move on from him, I am afraid I can’t really discuss your relationship, because you know my opinion. Want to watch the OC?”
Tell her something like that — you won’t talk about her relationship except to make your point clear (which could be she should dump him, it could be something else), but you will be her friend still, and you will talk about everything else under the sun.
Post # 4
@lalamcbee: How about, “Friend, I love you but we’ve been on this hamster wheel for five months now and I don’t have anything new to say to you and having essentially the same conversation over and over doesn’t help either one of us. This doesn’t seem like a healthy, fun or sustainable relationship so I think you either need to end it or find a way to be happy in it. Either way, I’m getting off the wheel now.”
If she brings it up again, shout “No hamster wheel!” at her and leave the room.
Post # 5
@Zhabeego: LOL! I had a friend who, when I obsessed about a certain person would say “you’re killing the hamsters on the wheel, stop it!”
Yeah it’d be best for her to just end it but some people love the drama…
Post # 6
Listen, I am in the same boat somewhat except the people i know have been together (VERY on and off ) for……. drum roll please….. 6 years. SIX!!! They could be lovey dovey kne day and HATE eachother with a burning passion the next. Let me count how many in-the-middle-of-the-night SOBBING phone calls about how they are breaking up again, he pushed her, she pushed back, he said he’s never loved her, etc. etc. I can’t imagine a more toxic relationship than the one they have. And they are both almost 30.
Just sharing in your misery and would love to see what kind of advice others give so I can steal some!
Post # 7
@Zhabeego: This is great advice – a really good way of putting it without being rude.
Post # 8
LOVE the hamster wheel. I am so trying that tonight… When she starts to complain about the way he blinks and breathes. Again.
NO HAMSTER WHEEL!!!
Post # 9
@lalamcbee: My SO had a friend that had a psycho girlfriend, and he’d complain about her constantly, yet would do nothing about it. My SO had had enough and said ‘I want to be there for you but I have no new advice for you – I keep telling you the same advice and I’m tired of it. If you’re going to stay with her, don’t talk to me about it’. It didn’t mean that they couldn’t be friends, just that that topic was off the table, my SO didn’t want to be an emotional booty call anymore. Some people just love drama. Maybe you could say to her ‘I’ve been on this rollercoaster ride with you for 5 months now. Relationships shouldn’t be that hard. At any rate, I don’t want to be on the rollercoaster anymore’.
Post # 10
@lalamcbee: @What Deejayelle said! I have been known to say to my friends, “I feel like I have heard this story before and you know I hate repeats.” but I am totally going to say “I have no new advice for you…” Probably a more tactful approach.
Post # 11
I am too compassionate for my own good, so I probably wouldn’t even say anything.
My bestie is someone who makes a lot of poor choices. When she keeps putting herself in bad situations, I just refrain from answering the phone for a bit.
Post # 12
@Zhabeego: That is perfect!
@lalamcbee: Sometimes you have to set limits. Offer perspective and then let it be known you don’t want them to unload their dump truck of complaints onto you.
I have a friend who acts like a crazy, drama-seeking, brat when pregnant. She uses pregnancy hormones as an excuse to be a big B and complain about everyone and everything. Like you, I couldn’t take it, but wanted to remain a supportive friend. I finally said: let’s do an exercise in being positive. For every bad thing you say about your husband/mom/body/friends/child, you also have to say two positive things, or I won’t listen. You are bringing yourself down into a spiral of negativity, and as much as I love you, I am not willing to drown with you. She exclaimed that when she’s mad she can’t always think of positives, so I said- ok, then in exchange for listening to your complaints, I get to tell you the positives that I see.
The next day when she was ranting about how annoying it is that her three year old gets into everything and she isn’t sure why she’s having another child, I listened but then reminded her of how healthy and smart her child is. I told her about the sick children I see in the hospital that are too ill to get into anything. I then reminded her of our dear friends that can’t get pregnant. She shut up fast, and has been bitching to me way less ever since. She realized I don’t pity her and don’t want to hear the negativity. She might be a tad annoyed with me, but I am much happier now.
Post # 13
I have a friend like this, but I honestly don’t get so worked up about her relationship. I despise her boyfriend, and she knows this. They’ve been together on and off for about 5 years. When she decides she loves him and everything is rainbows & butterflies, I just keep my mouth shut & wsh her well. When she hates him, I listen to her vent & join in the bashing.
I don’t feel its my place to tell her what to do in her relationship, so I don’t. And since she’s my bestfriend, I would never tell her that she can’t vent to me about her issues, no matter how much drama. As her friend, its my duty to listen, so I do just that.
That said, I think being her friend, means being there to listen to her vent when she feels like she needs to. Even if its the same old story you’ve heard 50 times.