Post # 1
Hi everyone! So when deciding on who to invite we didn’t really want a lot of kids because we’re having our wedding at an aviary with an ampitheater and didn’t want anyone to accidentally fall down or feed the birds. My FI’s cousins also have like 20+ kids combined and we just couldn’t afford all that. We ended up inviting in lines to make things as fair as possible, which has worked pretty well and I don’t really feel guilty about. However, my boss has two little girls who I see fairly often at work. At the beginning of the year she told me how excited they were about me getting married, but I never explicitly never said they were invited and she never explicitly has said anything about them coming. I’m inviting somebody else from my work and including a +1 because she’s married, but my boss’s +1 (which would be her husband) is really mean to her and she tells me all the time he embarrasses her in front of people, so I was just going to address the invitation specifically to her, which makes me feel like it might be a little unfair but she doesn’t have anyone else to bring…besides her girls. They’re 7 and 9, and her oldest definitely has behaviour problems. Our job includes doing events and sometimes when her daughters come, the oldest screams and goes crazy when we’re literally in the middle of throwing parties. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I’m worried to invite them because a) they’re not very well behaved and b) I don’t feel like that’s fair to invite my boss’s kids when we’re not even inviting some of our own family’s kids, which I’m sure will cause problems. I’m really trying to stick to my guns here, but it’s tough!! Do I hold strong and just tell her no or do I cave and just let them come? Any advice is much appreciated!
Post # 2
I would address the invite to her and her husband (eg Mr and Mrs Smith) rather than to her +1 (eg Mrs Smith and guest). As for children, we had a similar thing. Are you having any kids? If not then just say it’s “adult only” if yes the say you’ve had to limit it to “family only” or whatever. You don’t really need to give a reason.
Post # 3
Do you have a social relationship with either your boss or the other co-worker outside the workplace? If not, there is no need to invite either one of them. Situations like this are one of the reasons that it is healthy to have boundaries between work and your personal life.
If you want to invite your boss, she is married and whether you (or she) likes him or not, they are a social unit and should both be invited by name. Do not include a number of seats reserved for her on the rsvp card as that gives her an open doorway to substituting someone for her husband.
She can rsvp for herself or the both of them. If she asks about the kids you just say “I’m sorry. We are unable to accommodate the children.” If she writes them in, you contact her with basically the same message.”There must have been a misunderstanding. The invitation was for ___ and __. We are unable to accommodate the children. If that means you will be unable to attend, we will miss you at the wedding.”
Post # 4
Just tell her the truth. That you and your fiance have specifically chosen to have a wedding that is adult’s only and that none of the kids in your extended family are attending so you hope that she understands that you could hardly have children that are not part of your family coming to the wedding.
I would clear the air soon before she assumes that she can attend with her daughters as she has not heard otherwise. You don’t want her telling the girls and getting their hopes up and your boss upset at you because she has to break the news to her daughters that they are not going.
Post # 5
except it doesn’t sound like OP is having an adults-only wedding. It sounds like she’s “limiting” the number of kids invited, but has invited some.
OP, you have to invite you boss’ husband. Period, end of story. She can choose to come without him, but he must be invited if she is – they are a social unit. As far as the kids, you do nothing unless she brings it up. Address the invite to boss and husband. And then if she asks you if the kids can come/adds them into the rsvp/says something about them coming, you respond “I’m so sorry, there must have been a misunderstanding. The invitation is just for you and husband. We are unable to accommodate the children.”
Post # 6
Sorry bee like PP said, you have to invite your boss’ husband. Trust me there are some significant others we would’ve loved to not invite to ours. If you don’t put the kids names on the invite, then they’re not invited.
Post # 7
It doesn’t matter if your boss complains about her husband or tells you she’s embarrassed by him. And as an aside, how inappropriate of her. But they are married, which means you are obliged to invite him or neither of them. If you invite them both, it’s her prerogative to attend on her own, not yours to exclude a spouse.
It is perfectly acceptable to limit children to family only. You don’t need to justify yourself or say anything at all about her children unless she asks. Address the invitation to just her and her husband. If she does ask for an exception just tell her that you are sorry, but you are only able to include children of very close family members. But don’t borrow trouble. So far there’s no evidence she thinks they are invited.
And I agree with julies1949 :
that there is no reason to invite the boss at all if you are not social friends outside of work.
Post # 8
Thanks guys. My boss and I work in a department with only 1 other person, so we’re super close even though we don’t do anything outside of work. I know from listening to her talking on the phone to him that he’s verbally abusive and has a list of other issues. I didn’t know if it would be a slap in the face to her to invite him, but in any other situation I would (and have) invited spouses.
Post # 9
You are right. I stand corrected. Thanks.
Post # 10
I agree with PPs – invite the husband. Just put their names on the invite/RSVP. You are allowed to invite who you actually want to have at your wedding, this includes children.
Post # 11
I seriously doubt your boss’ kids are super excited about a co-worker of their mom’s getting married, despite your boss rather oddly telling you this. No offense to you and your fiance at all, I just can’t picture kids getting all up in this, even if they’ve met you numerous times. And if the kids do think they’re invited, this is their mom’s doing, assuming this and building it up to them.
You do have to include the husband on the invite though, a married couple is a social unit, jackass or not. Let her decide whether to bring them or not. If your boss pesters you to bring her daughters or is presumptuous enough to add their names to the rsvp, tell her firmly that you simply can’t add them when even extended family members’ children aren’t invited- and please do stick to this, if cousins can’t bring their kids and a co-worker brings hers, that’s a whole lot of bad feelings and confusion right there. If you co-worker is a reasonable person, she’ll understand this.
Post # 12
Echoing the other posters, it’s not your job to decide to only invite one half of a married couple. They’re a package deal as long as they’re married.
As for the girls, are you close to them? Do you have a special bond? If not, no invitation. It was presumptuous for you boss to assume her whole family was invited. If she just mentioned it once a long time ago, I wouldn’t even directly address it. Just address the invite to Mr & Mrs.
We had a no kids wedding reception, including family. But there were a few kids present at the wedding ceremony. One was a friend’s daughter with whom we are very close. She was 4 or 5 then and in the “princess” phase. She came to the ceremony only and then went home with her grandparents while our friends went on to the reception. It didn’t cost anything to include her and she was SO excited to go.
Post # 13
Here is the thing with the husband. He might be verbally abusive and an all around horrible guy but he is HER husband. She is choosing to be with him and so it remains her problem dealing with his behavior. It isn’t your problem to consider. Especially if she didn’t ask you to not invite him etc. Not inviting him would be basically you commenting on her marital status. It is super inappropriate. Just send an invite to her and her husband. If she does ask you about her kids you can say, Sorry we aren’t able to accomodate the kids as we have a limited guest list and budget.
Post # 14
Address the invitation to Mr. and M(r)s. So-n-So. Not M(r)s. So-n-So Plus Guest(s). She’ll get the hint, and if she doesn’t there are plenty of polite and respectful ways to tell her that you are unable to accommodate her children. If she insists, you can tell her that there are several children within your own families that are not being accommodated, so it is certainly nothing personal at all, but you need to draw a line somewhere and you have.
Post # 15
I agree with addressing the invite to her and hubby but be prepared for her to RSVP for 4 people, not jsut the two invited, and be VERY prepared to tell her the kids are not coming.
People get really odd about bringing their kids everywhere, and I am not sure why…..