(Closed) How do I tell my bridesmaid her boyfriend is not invited?

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 17
Member
2552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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westvirginialady:  So this guy has treated the friend that he’s dating, your other friends, and the family of your friends like absolute garbage and you haven’t confronted him, but you’re willing to confront the situation to preserve order at your wedding?  Anyone who insulted my friends’ sexual orientation would know that they aren’t allowed within 15 feet of me without a fight breaking out.  Forget your wedding, that doesn’t matter a bit, what does matter is standing up for your friends.

Post # 18
Member
906 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

What about the possibility that they may not even BE together by the time the wedding comes around? 

I’d think it would be rude NOT to give an honor attendant a guest, let alone one in a committed relationship. I’ve been given +1s whenever I was an honor attendant–even when I was single. Personally, I’d wait until a little closer to the wedding to make any preparations related to his attendance.

Post # 19
Member
5875 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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westvirginialady:  I don’t think you can tell her not to bring him…but I do think you can warn her tha tyou expect her to keep him in line given his incredibly rude behavior.  She may decide not to bring him.

Post # 20
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee

This is a question that keeps popping up on the bee, with new details and new reasons why the OP doesn’t like the SO in question…. unfortunately, the answer is always the same. Your bridal party has to get a +1 and be able to use on whoever they see fit… including/especially their SO, no matter how much you hate that person. You have to trust your Bridesmaid or Best Man to get her date under control. Have a talk with her… have a security plan or a plan in place for someone to escort him out if he’s starting a fight or something. Chances are, no matter what a jerk he is, he won’t actually cause a huge scene or fight. Realize that by having a friend (your best friend you say) as a bridesmaid, you are saying this personl is hugely important to you and that you trust them immensely to support you. Therefore, you have to follow through with that trust by not taking away their right to chose their date… that notion is at total odds with the honor you are bestowing on your friend. 

Post # 21
Member
4673 posts
Honey bee

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westvirginialady:  I think you should have told her already he is not invited before even asking her to be your bridesmaid. 

Post # 22
Member
4243 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Also please arrange alternate transportation for your friend in case he is removed so she can enjoy the entire day. Maybe have another friend or family member on call to drive her home.

Post # 23
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I don’t think it’s rude to control who comes to your wedding to be honest. It’s your big day, it only happens hopefully once and it’s expensive. She’s your friend and he isn’t really. I would just tell her you would really RATHER he not come honestly. If it is an issue and she really wants him there, discuss making sure he behaves or he’ll have to leave. A woman that just hangs her head in shame behind her ridiculous other half isn’t the best guest herself, I don’t approve at all. 

Post # 24
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t care what the etiquette is; he wouldn’t be coming to my wedding. 

Good for you for compromising though; you’re a bigger person than I am! 

Post # 25
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Some of your objections are understandable, like yelling at teenage girls and trying to start a fight. Others, I think you need to stop being so judgmental. Lots of people smoke weed, it’s probably actually a lot less harmful than drinking. You cite his lack of job and no car as issues, but your friend is willing to be with him and willing to be his chauffeur every weekend, and what do those issues have to do with your wedding?

There’s nothing wrong with kicking him out of the reception if he acts out, but your friend is making a choice to be with him, and most people believe in inviting the couple together. I think it would be very rude to single her relationship out, especially if she is in the wedding party. 

Post # 26
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I just had to deal with a similar situation back in August.  My bestfriend (friend A) was getting married and she did not like our other bestfriend’s (friend B) bf at all.  We had dealt with him cheating on B, pretty sure he was using meth (missing lots of teeth and he was picking at his skin at the age of 22), and was afriad of him stealing things at the wedding (the wedding was at A’s  house).  In the end it lead to A jilting B as a bridesmaid becaue it caused a lot of agruguments over the fact that B refused to come because her bf could not come.  In the end B came to the wedding becaue her mom made her, convinced her that she would regret it latter, but left within about 30min and was misable the whole time.

A never talked to B about why she didn’t want B’s Boyfriend or Best Friend there.  A just kept saying that B and B’s family were only invited.  It has put a huge strian on their relationship and now B will not talk to either of us without fighting.  Also because of this none of us bridesmaid’s were allowed to bring plus ones so as to not upset B.

I will tell you the same thing I told A.  You a) need to sit down with your friend and discuss your feelings about her Boyfriend or Best Friend with her, this may hurt your relationship but everything will be out in the open.  Explain if he miss behaviors that he will asked to leave. B) if you deciede not have her Boyfriend or Best Friend come you have to make it no plus ones because you are making her the odd one out which will hurt her feelings more.

I would just sit down and talk with her and let her to bring her Boyfriend or Best Friend.  You may not like him but she does, all you can do is still be the best friend you can and be there when things blow up eventually.

 

Best wishes and hope all goes well

Post # 27
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Not sure

I’d have to agree with BMoreBecc… Invite him, but tell him straight to his face if he acts up, you’re kicking him out. The guys sounds like a total douchebag…I wouldn’t want to invite him either…

Post # 28
Member
7470 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

How about handling it like an adult, calling him up, and saying “smoking pot at my wedding is not cool, so don’t do it, mmmkay?!”

Post # 29
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Los Coyotes Country Club

I’m in the minority here. It’s your day if you don’t want him there, speak up. You/your parents are spending a lot of money for a great day. You don’t want it tainted by ‘remember we had to kick ___ out’. If your friend can’t understand your concerns oh well. Like my grandma says ‘you were born without them, you’ll live without them too’ we have a few people who aren’t invited to our wedding because they don’t know how to act. 

Post # 30
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee

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westvirginialady:  when you already talked to your friend and she agreed her relationship was unhealthy- she didn’t really agree, she was just paying you lip service. She hasn’t got it through her thick head if she’s still with the guy. I would hang out with her again and be like “remember when your boyfriend did _____, and when he _____? How do you like it when he ____? He has no car and no ambition in life, what do you think raising children will be like? Do you think your children will respect him as a father? I wouldn’t! Is that really the life you want? You deserve better! Don’t you believe you deserve better than him in life?! Every time I see you two together I get really sad because I love you and I want you to have the best in life, he is not it.”

If she continued to defend him, I’d flat out tell her I don’t want him at my wedding lol I’m sure she’ll hear that clearly!  –I know people will disagree and and say not to do this b/c you might ruin the friendship, but are you really being a friend if you just stand by watching her self-destruct with that loser? Yes I’ve lost a few friends but at least I know I went down fighting for them. And  after their divorces we’ve reconnected, they did tell me “thanks for having my back, you were right”.  And I’ve been the one with the bad boyfriend before and none of my girl friends told me what they really thought- after we broke up they were like “yeah, we never liked him”… well thanks for telling me! big help!!

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