(Closed) How do I tell my bridesmaid her boyfriend is not invited?

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 46
Member
676 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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westvirginialady:  I’m in a similar situation. I don’t give a damn what “etiquette” says. I’m in charge of who is invited to my wedding. She knows he is not invited and she understands. But I’m breaking a lot of “etiquette” rules so I guess I’m probably not the best resource lol If I were you I wouldn’t be giving him the opportunity to ruin my wedding.

Post # 47
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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westvirginialady:  I know a lot of people are siding on +1 etiquette with this one but at the end of the day it’s your wedding and you decide the guest list. He sounds like an utter douchebag and there’s no way i’d want someone at my wedding like that. Yes it could put strain on your friendship to not invite him but it will also put a BIG strain on it if he does go and acts like that, it’s your wedding day and you shouldn’t have to deal with that. 
At the end of the day it’s your decision, but if it was me, he wouldn’t be invited. If you’ve been honest with her about how you feel towards him and his behaviour it shouldn’t really come as a shock to her. 

Post # 48
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

Nah don’t invite him he sounds absolutely awful. Sit down and have a conversation with her. Apologize and say how much you care about her. Offer to let her bring another friend?

Option 1: you invite him, risk him being terrible and causing a scene. Surely you would be furious with your friend?

Option 2: you don’t invite him, risk your friend being upset with you.

No matter what happens, there will be friction. One option lessens risk of your wedding being ruined.

Post # 49
Member
906 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Is this a stable couple? Again, I’m not really sure how much bandwidth should be spent so early on someone who may not even be in the picture by the time the wedding comes around.

If they are a stable couple, they should be seen a package deal. Honestly, he sounds terrible. Maybe it would have been better if you hadn’t asked her to be a bridesmaid. Did you not think she would want to bring her boyfriend?

If there was someone whose +1 was so vile, I’m not sure how much I’d want to include that person.

Post # 50
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee

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westvirginialady:  

i understand your situation but do you really want these important men in your life to be able to enjoy this day with you… or to have to act as babysitters for a grown (horrible) man? 

 

Juat my 0.02 🙂

Post # 51
Member
514 posts
Busy bee

Its seriously not fair for you to expect other men in your life to baby sit this ass…they would be on edge all night and so would you. Do not invite him, if she doesn’t want to continue the friendship because of that then its her loss, your parents are paying good money for this event and someone acting as you described would ruin it for most people.

Post # 52
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

 

westvirginialady:  I have a very good friend who has a boyfriend of 7 years that’s an alcoholic. A functional alcoholic as he does hold a job but he lives at home with mom and probably will never leave tbh. we didn’t have a big wedding (my ex and I) after all but when we were planning one I had to have a very difficult conversation with my friend. I was just very honest and told her that I was concerned with her bringing him to my wedding. I let her know that it did bother me to have to tell her that but that I was prepapred to have him tossed out at the first sign of him getting even a little bit out of control or being a little bit disrespectful. I, like you, had solid reasons to believe he was unable to handle himself. At a friend’s wedding a couple months before he had to be thrown out because he was gonigt around drinking the wine off of people’s tables, taking shot after shot and dancing inappropriately with the bridesmaids and female relatives, and not with their permission. It was a disaster. I think your friend is probably more aware than you think and is probably nervous about his potential behavior herself. something you should consider though is what this may cause for your friend. Imagine her having to tell him that he isn’t invited to the wedding. If he’s controlling or abusive this coule mean big trouble for her and may put her in jeopardy. I would speak with her directly about your concerns, tell her you would prefer it if he didn’t come but if it was going to cause an issue either with your friendship or for her home life that you would allow himto come but would toss him out if he so much aslooks at someone the wrong way. Let her knwo that you care for her and want her to be happy but you also have to be honest as her friend and you feel that this relationship is toxic and if she is ever in need of help or someone to talk to that you are there. you say she lives with him and his family and her having so much tied into him might make it hard for her to leave. It sounds as if he is very controlling given that he has her drivign him back and forth from bars every weekend. In my experience, when someone has that kind of control over someone, there’s abuse involved in some way. Whether it’s mental, physical, verbal or emotional or some combination, no one gets tha tkind of control without being abusive in some way enough to knock someone down far enough to where there’s fear involved to the point that they will do whatever they are told and deal with such nonsense.

Post # 53
Member
12819 posts
Honey Beekeeper

In reality, if he’s this bad, and they are living together, I would consider them a unit and would not  invite her, either. If she loses enough friendships, maybe she’ll reassess what she’s doing with her life. Yes she needs support, which I’d encourage her to get from family and therapy. 

Post # 54
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

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westvirginialady:  I don’t think it makes you a bridezilla to dictate that someone who has a history of illegal behavior has no place at your wedding. There are tactful ways to say this to your (hopefully still going to attend) Bridesmaid or Best Man, and less tactful ways, but I think inviting him then trying to police the situation sounds like bad news. Someone who gives alcohol to minors and doesn’t consider how his drug consumption affects others doesn’t sound like a good guest to me. 

Post # 55
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Fuck etiquette. He has a proven history of not behaving in public situations. Talk openly with your friend about his behavior towards other people. All the other stuff about his lack of ambition, not having a car, sexting other girls, frankly is none of your business. She wansts to deal with, her business.

However, an event where you have to balance the needs of all you guests I think you are entitled to set firm boundries.

She’s an adult, if see can’t understand that, be prepared to accept the ending of the friendship potentionally. 

Be firm, be clear and accept whatever comes after that. 

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