Post # 1
While there isn’t currently a ring, my SO and I are planning on having a spring wedding in 2013, and I’m sure an engagement is in the near future. With all of this happening, I’ve started to think about my VERY unusual relationship with my father, and how it will affect the wedding process.
Here it goes: My father first went to jail when I was two years old, my mother remarried when I was five (to a wonderful man who I am extremely close to). Once my father got out, I would go visit him on the weekends, and we did have somewhat of a relationship when I was a child. But every few years or so he would mess up again, and spend a few more years in prison. He owes me $90,000 in child support, and all throughout college he would call me and ask for money (presumably for illegal things). That being said, I have essentially cut him out of my life in the past four years or so. I was tired of letting him back in and then getting hurt again.
I started dating my SO, told him the situation and explained that he would most likely never meet my father. He is fine with this, and understands why I want nothing to do with the man – he is a user and a criminal, and I am frankly, ashamed of him.
However, I am his only child. He still calls me several times a week, and I never answer the phone or call him back. But the messages are so sad, I know he will be crushed when he finds out that I got married and didn’t invite him.
Now let me be clear, I DO NOT want him at our wedding. He is a drunk, would ruin the entire event, and frankly his presence would make it uncomfortable for my entire family (most especially me). But how on earth do you tell your father that not only do you not want him to come to the wedding, but also you want nothing to do with him? It’s a very hard conversation to have with my SO, since I just get upset and cry when I actually verbalize this. Any advice would help.
Post # 3
If you don’t speak with him anyway, I don’t think you need to explicitly tell him. If he does find out somehow, just tell him what you told us – his history suggests he won’t be able to act appropriately at the wedding, so he won’t be invited. He is responsible for his own actions.
Post # 4
@readynwaiting58: Honestly, I would just keep ignoring him. You don’t need to deal with any potential drama fallout of having a conversation with him. If he finds out you got married and you didn’t tell him, I’m sure he’ll know why.
Post # 5
I don’t know if I’d tell him until after. Would there be any chance he could show up and cause drama the day of?
Post # 6
@KatyElle: Yeah, I was thinking of just leaving it and not saying anything. One of my concerns was that he would show up and make a scene, which is one reason SO and I are seriously considering a destination wedding; it’s hard for him to show up if we’re on a tropical island lol.
Still, the whole situation is just hard. My SOs family is just so perfect compared to mine. I cannot wait till we start our own family, and I can get rid of this awful last name that I share with an awful man!
Post # 7
Are you and I related? 🙂 I would avoid all talks about the wedding when you do have to talk to him. If he finds out later, just explain to him why you don’t want him there. He made the choices in his life and he has to suffer the consequences, even if that means not being at your wedding.
Post # 8
I can completely relate to you… I basically had the same father, but I have been very blessed in that my dad got sober 3 years ago. With that said and the fact that I am also a Drug and alcohol counselor, I think you should tell him, however do not disclose the location or date of the wedding, I dont know if you ever want to have a relationship with your dad, but by givinng him and telling him the consquences of his actions can possibly help him hit rock bottom and even find sobriety, I suggest you tell your father “I am not answering your calls because you drink too much and as long as you are drinking I refuse to be a part of your life and for these reasons you will not be able to attend my wedding”, and inform him that he is not to contact you on the matter. However if you do not want a relationship with hime ever then yes continue to ignore him. Good luck I know how hard it is to care about someone who has let you down and hurt you so many times, my dad was also in and out of prison and missed so much of my life bc of it, when he finally did get sober I was just about done with him and he knew it
Post # 9
I have a different situation with my Dad (ugly divorce), but like you I don’t really have a relationship with him. Because of our lack of communication, he is not invited, but I’m not making that explicitly clear because I already don’t talk to him.
Post # 11
You don’t need to tell him anything. He may have contributed 50% of your genetic material but it doesn’t sound like he is any sort of a father to you–just some guy who is sad and sick. His actions over your life have resulted in the destruction of your relationship with him. Part of that includes not being invited to your wedding. If he doesn’t know that it’s going to happen, then he can’t just arrive and make a scene.
I’d probably ask a relative or very close friend to keep an eye out for him, just in case someone spills the beans. Make sure that it’s someone(s) big enough to literally lift him up and physically remove him if necessary.
And who knows, maybe this would lead to him hitting rock bottom and deciding to get help. Inviting him or allowing him back into your life would just enable his addiction. It’s hard but it’s the best thing to do for both of you. HUGS.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t say a thing. When you tell him afterwards, if it even comes up, then I would explain what pp said, that he isn’t allowed in your life until he is “clean”. You don’t “owe” it to him to tell him or offer details like date and location.
Post # 13
I’m following this thread because my SO has to do that with his father and I want to support him! I wish you luck with everything… Also, I think that you do have to say something because people talk (which is our problem too… grandma, uncles, aunts, neices or newphews will say something to him and his crazy wife), and I have seriously considered a destination wedding for the same reason!!
Post # 14
I agree with the majority of advice given here, just don’t discuss it with him. I am in the same situation with my mother, who hasn’t had an active role in my life in many years. I would like for the situation to be different but at the end of the day I had to assess whether constantly getting hurt by someone that did not add value in my life was worth having in my life to begin with. When my fiance and I got engaged in October I didn’t even think twice about calling my mother, why would I? She doesn’t deserve to celebrate the joys in my life. In the months that have followed as we’ve started the planning process, and I’m sure will continue, I have been asked repeatedly if I will invite her and my answer is always simply and firmly, no. She doesn’t deserve to be invited. I hope you find peace with your decision and as you’ve seen here, you are not the only one in this boat so many can relate. Hugs to you! (And an early congrats for when the SO does ask!!!)
Post # 15
I agree with the PPs that say not to even discuss it with him, especially if you haven’t talked in the last 4 years (are we the same person?). *Hugs* As you can see by this thread’s responses, you’re not alone.I totally know how you feel, as I still get upset sometimes discussing my father and his actions/decisions (like during our premarital session w/ the Pastor). It’s not sad upset/crying, just sort of angry/over it, and very frustrated.
I just spent my day emailing or calling to confirm with the 3 guests that my father is related to that 1- they would still like an invitation and that 2- they agree that they are not going to share any details regarding the date, location, my contact information, etc. They all know that my sibs and I don’t speak with him, and I can still love them and have a realtionship with them without having him involved. That’s how I’ve stopped the ‘secret spread’ of info, just being straight up with them. I figure he’ll find out that we got married, but he’s not part of my life and he’s not to show up (whoever brings him will also be asked to leave).
With your father, if he does ask, I’d do like @Future Mrs.Schug: said and tell him that no, he’s not invited because of x,y,z. But unless he brings it up, I’d just continue to ignore.
Post # 16
We are dealing with this, too. PLEASE be strong in your resolve not to invite him. We have not told his dad we are getting married, and no one else in the family has either. Fiance is completely estranged from his father and his father’s side of the family. He will talk to him if he emails or calls, but his dad is a user and Fiance calls him out on it, so he gets offended and won’t contact for up to two years at a time.
We just aren’t telling him. When we started dating and moved out together, I told Fiance very firmly that he could have as much or as little contact with his dad as he wanted, but that if he ever came to our house i woud call the cops, and he wasn’t to give him any money. FI has been awesome about respecting that, and totally agrees. His brother is less strict and has put his girlfriends in some pretty uncomfortable situations.
Just don’t tell him. it sounds like you don’t talk to him and ignore his messages. And he’s not capable of being a father to you, so unfortunately he doesn’t get to be there. Our venue requires security, so you can always check to see how that works where you end up having the wedding. Give them a picture or get some relatives to agree to remove him.
Sorry you are going through this.