(Closed) How do I tell my future mother-in-law…

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
189 posts
Blushing bee

know how ya feel spliting holidays. Just tell her youve been planning this, and you and him needed time alone. You can come after and eat all the leftovers!! Dont wait to long to tell her tho.

Post # 4
1328 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

My FIs family is similar.  He’s an only child, we usually have to go to 2-4 places every holiday and if he misses a single family event the world ends (an they have big family events frequently, still do birthday dinners for every aunt, uncle, and cousin’s b-day).  If it were me, I would sort of halfway spill the beans to Fiance.  Tell him that I have something very special planned for that weekend out of town, but not tell him what it is.  Then let him tell his parents.

If you are not so much of a chicken as I am you can tell Future Mother-In-Law directly.  If she uses email regularly I would send a note saying that you’re out of town them for a special birthday trip, but you would love to set up a different time to celebrate with them.  I opt for email because then she can’t instantly freak out or push back.  It gives some time for it to sink in before she responds.  Then when she does push back stay with short, sweet, firm answers.  Maybe don’t give her too many details so she can’t tell Fiance about it.

Good luck!


Post # 5
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Lay out all of the fantastic circumstances that converged to allow you to give your guy (her son!) such an amazing present for a milestone birthday.  That way she won’t feel like you’re “blowing her off” for just any old reason.  It’s to give your guy a well-deserved treat.  She can’t begrudge him that, right??  

And, since it sounds like you’d like a little more holiday independence in the future, don’t immediately offer to make it up to her (i.e., “and I know how much you’ll miss us, so we’ll come spend the next weekend with you!”).  Just state that you won’t be visiting for Thanksgiving, because AWESOME REASON.  She’ll probably pout, but if she starts getting fussy, just remind her that you’ll be there less than a month later for Christmas.

Let your trip test the waters for spending holidays apart in the future.  If she survives Thanksgiving without you there, she might realize that she can relax a little bit.  My Fiance and I take turns with Thanksgiving & Christmas; during odd years, we’re with his family for Thanksgiving and my family for Christmas.  During even years it’s the other way around.  Both families made the decision to celebrate Christmas (well, the gift-exchange part of Christmas) during the Thanksgiving celebrations, so we don’t really miss out on much.  I can’t imagine having to split up the day between the two sides every year, although a lot of that has to do with our families living many hours apart.  All of that running around sounds exhausting, and it means there are always things you won’t be able to do with one family or the other.  Try telling your Future Mother-In-Law that you’d much rather spend ALL of Christmas with her every other year than have to worry about running around to different households.  Go for quality, not quantity.

As for getting your Future Mother-In-Law to keep the trip a secret, can you tell her at the end of your last visit preceding Thanksgiving?  So you and Fiance won’t see her again until you tell Fiance about the trip?  How often does Future Mother-In-Law talk to Fiance on the phone or via email?  Is she the type to keep a secret well?  Maybe tell the aunt, and see if the aunt will “independently” arrange for all of the festivities to take place at her house instead of at FMIL’s, and then only tell Future Mother-In-Law once Fiance knows.  Last-minute, yes, but she’ll already have plans to go to her sister’s house!

Post # 6
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I wouldn’t tell her till just before…she sounds like she might accidentally/on purpose drop you in it….

Post # 7
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Wow, knowing how his family is about holidays, I would have run it by him before booking over a major holiday. That being said, whats done is done. So you might as well let her know sometime this fall that you won’t be coming and that you have a (non-refundable) suprise planned for your Fiance.

ETA: I completely get how hard the holidays are (we both have divorced families and celebrate 6 different Christmases each year. We did claim Thanksgiving as our holiday at home- anyone is welcome to join us, but we don’t travel for it. And we try to host as many of the Christmases as we can so we aren’t carting out kids around the state for two weeks straight.)

Post # 8
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My parents sound somewhat similar to your FI’s parents. They had issues when I moved an hour and a half away and couldn’t split families each holiday. If you were just staying home on the holiday to spend some alone time, I could see where she would be mad (not that you should be allowed to do so if you choose), but you’re going on a vacation together, and you’re both adults. I am sure that at some point your Future Mother-In-Law didn’t do stuff with her parents, and that she began to do things with her husband/the family she began to create. I’m not saying it will be a good conversation, and you should approach it however you feel comfortable, but I would be firm in saying, this is what we are doing, end of story. It doesn’t need to be blunt, and you can say it dripping with sweetness, but if she’s anything like my family, she will give you 1000 reasons how you could have the vacation but still make Thanksgiving, give you the guilt trip of a lifetime, etc. etc. You can be very nice and sweet and you can do it face to face or in an email, but she needs to understand that it’s happening, and if she wants to be mad about it, she can be mad all by herself. But like PP’s have said, you need to make sure she doesn’t ruin it “on accident” to get back at you if she’s angry. So if that means it needs to wait a little bit longer, so be it. Hope it all works out for you OP!

Post # 9
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would tell your Fiance sooner than the week before.  It’s a great surprise, but has potential to go wrong (if he likes to spend holidays with family, she finds out, she tells him, etc.).  Just not a fan of holiday surprises.  Bonus then is he can tell her.  🙂

Post # 11
527 posts
Busy bee

Personally – I think this is a SUPER awesome idea and gift for you to give your man, and I would simply move forward with your plans to surprise the heck out of him as you explained. I would wait to tell Mother-In-Law until closer to the ‘big reveal’ with the STRICT instruction that it is a surprise that he knows nothing about yet, and you want it kept that way (in a nice, polite way, of course). Start out by telling her you know how important the holidays are to her, and that it’s not your intention to make this a regular occurence, but given the incredible deal you got, coupled with the timing of his birthday, and the fact you are both already off work (if that’s the case), this was too good an opportunity to pass by, and really wanted to do something special for her son since he is so sweet & special to you. (Lay it on, girlfriend!)

I understand the whole holidays-are-important thing, but she needs to realize that her son (once married) will need to compromise and share holidays with your family in a reasonable, meaningful way that may not always result in him being there day long (e.g., if there is a couple hour drive in between, who wants to drive far after eating turkey!, etc.).

You also – as his wife – need to be able to make plans for you and your husband without having to check with mommy all the time, and without feeling guilty in doing so. That’s part of being a grown-up … making decisions, being responsible, and not requiring parental permission to do the things you want and work hard to be able to do.

And she needs to kinda cut the cord a bit … 🙂

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