Post # 1
Hey bees, well I’ve been married for a little bit now here and well..the intimacy, well..umm…it’s been kinda not something I wanna do as of late. Ok, well first of all, a couple weeks go he starts making out with me, and it’s really great and spontaneous, THEN he takes off his drawers and the nastiest smell came about. It was awful, he was so so funky. So bad that we stopped and he took a shower but I wasn’t turned on anymore. Then..he REALLY has the WORST breath in the morning and in general terms as well. It smells like a garbarge dump, rotten garbage. THEN I was naked with him and thinking about doing stuff and then I look at his ear and there is the LARGEST glop of ear wax- all orange and brown on the outside part of the inner part of his ear. It was not inside the earhole..it was OUTSIDE..a glop so big and nasty I just stopped in my tracks. He’s like, what? Do I need to clean my ears? I was like uhhhh…I was still shocked at the glop. Like how long has it been there?? He said he doesn’t clean his ears cause it freaks him out?? ugh. He says he jammed a q-tip in his ear the wrong way when he was a kid. He says it bleeds sometimes during the rare times he does clean them..which tells me he might be really nasty in there? Like infected? Ugh..I am just so grossed out…it’s so nasty. I can’t have sex with him lately..I just can’t. I have had 2 other bfs before..and they were clean and never smelled..I mean really, never where it bothered me. No morning breath that killed me, no yucky funky ears or other parts..Oh NO! And he just sent me a text hinting he wants sex tonight!!! Ahhh! I can’t handle it..that glop of earwax..he “cleaned” his ears..but I am freaking to see if he got that glop out. And he gets warts sometimes too, on his hands. I just think he needs to step it up hygiene wise, how do I do that without hurting his feelings? I just can’t take it anymore!!!!!
Post # 3
Poor you, that sounds really tough! Can you maybe try the softly approach, like suggesting you both have a shower beforehand? I’m guessing he wasn’t like this before you got married. Maybe something along the lines of,
‘I’ve been thinking we should make more of an effort for each other, blah blah..’
might work? Or are things open and relaxed enough between you to just tell him he’s not getting any til his hygiene improves?
As for the ear thing, nobody’s asking him to excavate the inner ear canal, as that’s dangerous, but surely a wet facecloth all around the outer ear wouldn’t freak him too much. And there’s really no excuse for nasty drawers!
Best of luck!
Post # 4
He is your husband. Someone needs to tell him to step it up and you’re the one to do it. You are not being unreasonable. It might hurt his feelings for like, two days. Thats a lot better than you holding out on sex for the next 50 years. Or, worse, you being incapable of having sex with him which leads to the demise of your relationship. Guys are very goal oriented. Tell him it is unhealthy and unattractive to you for him to not take care of himself, tell him specifically what he needs to do (clearly, he is unaware), and give him a goal. You clean up your act, I _____________.
Post # 5
Just for the record, warts are caused by a virus, and better hygiene probably won’t help them.
Otherwise, I agree with PPs. You have to find a way to talk to him about it.
Post # 6
How long has it been since he’s been to the doc? Sounds like he could use a checkup. That much earwax buildup + the bleeding doesn’t sound too healthy, and while the bad breath could be helped by upping his water intake (this especially helps with morning breath) it can sometimes be indicative of underlying health issues.
If you know for sure it’s just lack of hygeine, you really just need to say something about it, the sooner the better. Otherwise he’ll start to think your lack of enthusiasm about sex is something to do with your feelings for him rather than his funky nether regions, etc.
Post # 7
When did this start to be an issue? Was it a problem before you were married?
I think you need to wait until you two are alone and have some time together, take a deep breath, and just tell him as calmly as you can that he’s incredibly important to you and you want to have a great sex life with him, but his hygiene is totally inadequate and it’s interfering with your desire to get close to him. Offer to take showers with him, brush your teeth together in the mornings and before bed (make sure that he has a new, soft bristle toothbrush b/c if his gums are sensitive and his toothbrush is old or stiff it might be uncomfortable), and try to get him to go to the doctor for a checkup, b/c lack of hygiene could indicate depression or other issues.
Try to also make sure that he likes the flavor of his toothpaste, smell of his shampoo, etc. I had a guy friend in highschool who didn’t like showering b/c he had really dry skin and it itched afterwards, but he thought lotion was “for girls”–maybe something similar is going on here? Is it possible he has sensitive skin & your soap irritates it?
In general, try not to blame him or get angry, but just ask why he doesn’t take better care of himself and see if you can identify specific reasons why he acts the way he does and try to remedy them. Also, don’t expect things to get better overnight. Try to focus on, say, getting him to brush his teeth twice a day, and after 2-3 weeks move on to the next thing. Reward him when he takes care of himself–if there’s something he loves that you’re not crazy about or don’t do often enough (cooking a favorite meal, playing video games together, backrubs, whatever) try to do it more often to show you’re appreciative.
Good luck!! Keep us posted!
Post # 8
You need to say something because it’s not healthy for you either. I can completely understand why the thought of having sex with him grosses you out. My stomach became queasy reading this. >.< Anyways, I wish you the best of luck on discussing this with him.
Post # 9
I agree, you definitely need to squash this problem before it gets out of hand. You don’t want to dread getting intimate with your husband for ever! If you’re comfortable enough with it, just bring it up casually. If you feel like you can’t talk about it, ask him to jump into the shower with you before you have sex, offer to wash for him. He’d probably love it, and then you’ll get to make sure you scrub everywhere! =)
Post # 10
Ya, I know about the warts being caused by virus and nothing to do with hygiene..I just, all this stuff adds up. And he refuses to floss his teeth? He’s never flossed once I don’t think since we’ve been dating these past 4 years. I don’t know about that. He says it’s too much work. Yikes. I just don’t know..he’s so sensitive, everytime I try to hint at this he gets all sad and says he’s gross. I am not trying to make him feel bad, it’s just a bit nasty though I don’t say it like that. I had to buy this ear cleaner kit from the store today..I just am like grossed out. Thanks for the advice bees, lol, I don’t think we are that “open” to say you are not getting any until this changes..he would think that lingo is too harsh..he’s so sensitive, ya I gotta talk to him..cause I am totally turned off by him. I gotta do it…but he will get so sad, maybe even cry(he’s that sensitive) but hey, sometimes the truth hurts. I just can’t see myself getting yucky like that and it’s just like he doesn’t care? ugh.
Edit, just read a post, lol…him brush his teeth TWICE a day? haha..if only! If I don’t tell him, he just won’t brush..it’s horrible! Ya, really I gotta step it up..cause this is pretty bad and ya, he may need to go to doc about that darn ear wax! ugh, so gross!!
Post # 11
How often would you say he showers, etc? Have you tried those little plastic wand things for flossing? If you’re not an experienced flosser it can be kind of difficult and cumbersome and they make it a lot easier. Maybe force him to read a brochure about gingivitis and remind him he could be costing you guys tens of thousands of dollars in future dental bills? Also, even if he’s resistant to flossing, if you can get him to rinse w/ hydrogen peroxide 2 or 3 times a week it should help w/ the breath issues.
Post # 12
Ya, the hygiene was a bit of a prob before..but it’s like he doesn’t seem to care as much anymore since we have been engaged/married maybe? Idk. He showers every day..or every other day..at worst it’s 2 days without. He’s not circumsized and I think he just doesn’t push that skin back enough when he washes? He has a lot of skin down there..and then he tells me his penis really stunk when he was younger cause it would hurt to pull that skin back to wash..he said he had even little “yellow” gooshies in there??!! I know, right? freggin nasty! He needs to pull it back and use anti-bac soap! Like Dial or something. Calgon take me away! haha.
Post # 13
@honeypop: Wow, I think there’s a serious problem then. He should be cleaning his foreskin more often – painful or not. It may be painful because of an infection or something of that sort. Also, if you’re not using condoms, that is really bad for your health. Yes, I’m repeating myself. He’s also putting your health in danger. Please be careful and speak up soon. Something has to be said/done.
Post # 14
Um you just need to talk to him and be honest. He needs to be an adult and not cry and lose it when his spouse confronts him with sensitive issues. I mean, that’s why you’re with someone right? They should be able to tell you ANYTHING. If he’s telling you he has yellow gooshies (?!?!) on his penis, you have every right to balk and tell him he needs to clean himself better because it’s just disgusting otherwise. He’s opening the door. I guarantee that if he knows he is physically revolting you, he’ll start cleaning up. Tough love….sometimes it sucks, but some things are just not meant to be beat around the bush
Post # 15
Ok, I’m no expert, but I would get on the phone tomorrow and make a doctor’s appointment for him. Make sure you explain the problem so the doctor knows to ask about it even if he’s too shy/embarassed to bring it up himself.
If it’s uncomfortable or painful, then even if you can get him to improve for a while, it’s just a matter of time before he stops again. And I’d be careful about telling him to use antibacterial soaps, etc w/o professional approval–they might sting/irritate and make the problem worse. You might also want to encourage him to talk to his dad or someone else he might be comfortable discussing that with.
You’ve said he’s sensitive about it and worried you think he’s gross, and he clearly has vivid memories about the same issue going back to childhood. Don’t be harsh or judgemental, but do insist that he see a doctor. It’s totally possible that this is a serious medical problem. Even if it’s not, he might develop some kind of sexual anxiety issue if it continues to be a source of friction and rejection.
Post # 16
Side note- If he goes to the doctor go with him to the doctor because chances are he won’t bring anything up.
And speak up- yes it might hurt his feelings but someone has to tell him- If my FI’s breath smells I tell him.