(Closed) How do I tell my mom that I'm upset?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I would be upset too, I am sorry. Your anger and sadness is totally valid.

If your parents had a wedding fund for your sister, they should have given her half, and given you half. It is just that simple.

Instead of having a talk with your parents, which I can foresee them being very defensive, and you emotional, I might write a letter to them with the things you mentioned in this post. That way you can say everything you need to, and can take time to compose your thoughts in a rational but heartfelt manner. Make sure to use a lot of “I feel” or “it makes me sad when” statements, because those cannot be refuted.

I am sorry. Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@mrswestcoast:  +1, you are right to be angry OP.

Post # 5
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@mrswestcoast:  +1

I always suggest letters because you can always read it through and make sure you said everything you wanted to. It also gives them time to read it and take everything in. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It seems fair to feel how you feel… but remember they probably have some logic that makes this seem right in their head. The only reason I mention that is because if/when you do talk them, it might sound like they are ‘defending’ this when they are really just explaining what they were thinking at the time. I’d hate for you to derail into that side of things. It doesn’t matter what they were thinking, and you’re not suggesting that they are bad parents, just that you’re feeling excluded/hurt.

My other thought is around what you’d want to get out of the conversation. Would it feel better if they did contirbute to the wedding or are you looking for something more long term, emotionally and/or financially. From your post, it sounds like it is more about feeling like you are less important. Perhaps speaking from that angle might be smoother than a money talk, but it depends on what you want to walk away with.

Post # 8
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m really sorry for your situation, you definitely have every right to feel sad. I’d actually look into seeing a therapist and talking this out so that you can deal with it completely. The therapist may also be able to help guide how you’ll want to approach this with your family.

Post # 9
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  I think writing a letter will help you move past this, but I don’t think it will change their attitudes at all.  I would think that after TTC for so long, they would be delighted to have not one, but two lovely, healthy daughters.  The only thing I can say is to keep this memory in a little box and remember this if someday you have children.  And remember to treat them equally, even if you don’t always love them equally.

Post # 10
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@AquaGrey8962:  I sympathize.  I’m the oldest, but blatantly the least favorite child (I have two younger sisters).  The favoritism is pretty noticeable, not just my take on it, but other people have actually commented about it over the years.  

I honestly don’t think there’s much you can say.  I think writing a letter is a smart idea, but mostly because it’ll be therapeutic, not because it will likely change their minds.  IT really depends on whether or not she *is* their favorite or if they don’t notice how they treat you.  Perhaps they don’t realize how they treat you or how much it upsets you.

Unfortunately, regardless, it is their money and they are free to spend it as they wish.  In my case, my sisters had their college educations paid for in full plus weddings.  I got nada.  Over time, I’ve just moved across the country to put distance between myself and the situation.  You may want to consider that for your own sanity if things don’t improve.  Competing with your siblings for your parents’ love is exhausting and unwinnable.

Post # 11
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@AquaGrey8962:  I think you’re right to be upset. Ideally, parents should be fair–and ideally, your 40 year old sister should be able to pay for her own plane ticket. 

However…how much money a parent spends on you isn’t a sign of their love. You shouldn’t make that mistake. My fiance’s parents don’t have a lot of money, but they help where they can. They paid for each child’s college education, but for one kid that meant a 4 year university and for another it meant a private art school, and for the third, it meant community college and a less expensive state school. They spend less on the state school kid, but it doesn’t mean they loved them any less. It just meant they had different paths/dreams. 

On top of that, Parent’s really aren’t required to give any kids money for a wedding…or anything else once the kid turns 18. i know lots of friends whose parents couldn’t pay for ANYTHING after they graduated high school. I also have many friends and family members who paid for their own weddings…because their parents couldn’t afford it. It happens.  Many parents do pay for their child’s wedding–but it’s not obligatory. It’s something they want to do.

Have you considered that there might be a different reason they give your sister money that has nothing to do with the amount of love they have for you both?  It’s possible they help your sister because she needs the help more than you do. They may have more faith that you can take care of yourself. That’s certainly how it is in my family. My parents love my sister and I equally, but over the years they’ve spent a LOT more on my sister. My sister is in her 30s, and my parents still help her financially. She’s been in and out of college for almost twelve years (still working on her first degree). Did I mention a private college? So, my parents have paid a LOT of money for her…and continue to do so. Yes, they helped me out during school, but only 4 years of undergrad and I went to a very inexpensive, state-funded public school. Since I graduated, I’ve been on my own completely. I could have looked at it as they love her more–but I know that isn’t the case. The reason my parents help her financially, and not me, is that they have MORE faith that I can take care of myself. They know I’m more independent. They know I don’t need the help. My sister, as much as I love her, has never been able to take care of herself. Never. At this point, we’re worried she may never be able to. 

SO…it may not be that they love you any less. It may be that they respect you more…and have more faith in your ability to take care of yourself. Or, they may have helped you in the past in ways you’re overlooking now that you’re so focused on the wedding. 

I’m sorry you feel like you were a mistake. That is a much bigger issue–and you do need to discuss that with your parents. They probably never intended for you to feel that way… However, I’d make that an entirely separate conversation from the money discussion. Talking about money will detract from your overall point (your feelings) and make them think you just want more money for your wedding…rather than focus on discussing your feelings, which are valid and important.  

Post # 12
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I totally agree with the PP about the letter. You need to tell them how you feel.

My parents are both in the financial industry and are always about being fair when it comes to money. When it comes to everything else though, things swing more towards my older brother. Sometimes this is cultural, but mostly what I’ve come to realize over the year is that more responsibility falls to me (in every sense of the word) and the attention goes to him (my parents clean his house, mow his lawn, buy and deliver his groceries) because I’m the one they don’t worry about. They know I can handle myself, but it’s my brother that causes concern for them. It took me a long time to realize this, and now I’ve just accepted it. Just some food for thought. 

Post # 13
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You have every right to be upset, OP. It’s not about the money, but the clear favoritism and lack of regard for your feelings. I second writing them a letter, as it will give them time to absorb the info without getting defensive.

Of five kids, I’m the only one with a different dad. Not to mention, my father is certainly no prize and my mother is ashamed to have married him; I am a constant reminder of her mistake. She stopped telling me she loved me years ago, and I can’t remember the last time she hugged me. She pulled the money for my wedding out and sent my brother to a tournament in Switzerland instead. She took my student loan money and remodeled the house because I “owed” her for raising me. My Fiance and his family (as well as close friends of mine) all see it, and it baffles them. Not trying to threadjack; just want you to know you are not alone.

This is not your fault. Know that you are worthwhile and not a mistake. If anything, you are a blessing and a miracle. Don’t forget that.

 

Post # 14
Member
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Ughhhhh. My FI’s brother’s wife is like your sister, except she’s the younger one. They gave her $10k towards her wedding (and then she and FI’s brother asked his parents for the same amount), and when it came time for her sister’s wedding planning, they told her, “Sorry, we have no money. We didn’t think you’d ever get married. You can have your wedding in the back yard, I guess.” 

We’re spending about half of what they did on our wedding and getting less than half of what they were given by FI’s parents. That irks me (though tbh, we’re the favorites). Parents are supposed to be fair to their children. Fiance says it’s because things are different now, but I think that’s bullshit–they were in a better place ten years ago than they are now? When Future Mother-In-Law is in a full time career versus working three part time jobs to support her two children and has considerably less bills? Or Future Father-In-Law and his wife are further into their careers? I find that hard to believe, but we’ll be okay.

I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this, OP. It’s situations like this where I’m glad that I’m an only child.

Post # 15
Member
747 posts
Busy bee

I agree with what some PPs have said:  1. Perhaps they have more faith in you?  That you don’t “need” their help as much as she does?  and 2. What would you like the outcome of your conversation to be?  It appears to me that your parents are most likely set in their ways and wouldn’t understand/appreciate what you have to say regarding this issue.  Perhaps a thoughtfully written letter would be the best option as some have said?  That way, you can say the things you need to say (that are absolutely valid and upsetting) without fear of their immediate judgement.  Just remember – you can’t change others, only your response to their actions.  

I’m sorry you’ve felt so left out, or that you’re a mistake.  No one is a mistake, or should ever have to feel that way!  You’re here to live YOUR life, regardless of what others say.  

Post # 16
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@AquaGrey8962:  Wow….that’s super crazy right there.

I know parents make mistakes, but this favoritism seems a little blatant, financially anyway.  And it could just be that you’re such an independant person, it would have never occured to them that you would need or want the money.  It’s also a possibility that they DID plan ahead and then due to the economy tanking and their savings/retirement taking a hit, they are just unable to contribute money….or it could be that the nature of their relationship with you is vastly different from that of the one they have with your sister, so they give her stuff and not you.

I know parents love their kids, but a lot of them are also guilty of liking one of them far more than the other….don’t you have your favorite out of the two of them?  Ideally we’d all get a equal sized slice of the pie, but character flaws, internal emotional triggers and personal preference are at play here, something you might want to take into account.

I don’t know how strong your relationship is with either parent, go to your Go To Person, lay it out on the table and tell them frankly, “I don’t know if you’re aware of this, BUT IT HURTS.”  Any parent will react to that, I’m sure it’s not intention, but if it is, you remind them who’s going to be picking their retirement home…

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