Post # 1
I don’t know how to tell my mother about our engagement…. I’m not even remotely close with her, with good reason. My mother is, in all honesty, a monster of a person. I’ll avoid posting the back story, as it’s been a lifelong nightmare.
When I tell her, it will be nonstop hassling about how the ring “isn’t good enough” and now i NEED to consider it’s “resale value”, negative and rude comments, over dramatics (because she isn’t the centre of attention – the dramatics happen on a regular basis), attacks about my weight and appearance, snarky comments about money, telling me what I can and cannot do, etc….
But if I don’t tell her, and she finds out some other way (she still keeps tabs on me, constantly….) then she will make every effort to tear my life to pieces…. She feels that she has every right to every aspect of my life and that I am her property, and makes a point to remind me often. She has managed to gaincontrol over many things in my life and can quite quickly take them all away from me, including my house and my job, if she isn’t happy with things.
I don’t know how to tell her without upsetting her and “unleashing her wrath”. The stress of this has kept us from enjoying our engagement. When she finds out how long it’s taken me to bring the topic up, it’ll be worse…. It’s been two weeks now.
TL,DR: I don’t know how to tell my estranged monster of a mother that I am engaged, but can’t just “not tell her”.
Any advice would be appreciated…. I’m really lost here.
Post # 2
Woah woah woah…how does your mother have the power to take away your house and job??? You need to untangle yourself from that, quickly.
I suggest a text message or email, so she can’t claim you didn’t tell her, then either block her number or forwar her emails to a folder you don’t read, and ignore her calls. Then you and your Fiance need to get out from under her thumb financially.
Google DWIL for more and better advice on getting toxic people out of your life.
Post # 3
yeah, this definitely sounds like a job for DWIL Nation. I second the advice to send her an email or a text. If you’re worried that won’t work, call her. Feel secure in the knowledge that you can hang up. Get yourself out of this financial mess as soon as you can. Seriously.
Post # 4
I think a text will be a great idea. “hey mom, just wanted to let you know… I will give you a call very soon.” Then give it a day so she can spew her venom at the walls and calm down a bit before actually talking to you. Good luck.
Post # 5
IF your mom has the power to take away your job and hour house (how??), you have far bigger concerns to address than how to announce the news of your engagement to her.
I 2nd the recommendations for DWIL Nation.
Post # 6
Hey there bee, first off, congrats on your engagment! This is such an exciting time!
I understand what it’s like to have a monster of a monther. I know you haven’t posted your mother’s backstroy, but mine smilarly attacks my weight. Told me my Fiance should have gotten a bigger ring because I apparently have “fat fingers” ect. I am so sorry that she has made it so awful that you feel uncomfortable sharing such amazing news with her!
Remember, this engagement is about you and your Fiance and the life you’re building together. It’s not about HER or whatever she thinks should happen. Knowing how my mother is, it’s better to just tell her immediatley myself. Any negativity she tires to sprout on you, you can let her know that’s just her opinion. This is about you and your Fiance, NOT her.
If she keeps being nasty, explain to her that you just wanted to share such an incredibly happy moment with her. If she still stays nasty, that’s her problem with herself. Again, this should be a great time, not a stressful one!
Congrats agiain! 🙂
Post # 7
Don’t. And don’t tell her anything at all ever again.
P.S. – Estranged means no contact whatsoever in any form, so how are you expecting to see her? Obviously from the way you write, you’ve been talking to her.
Post # 8
Why haven’t you cut her off yet? I cut my Dad off years ago and didn’t need to tell him about my engagement as we don’t speak. He eventually found out and, like you, I was still worried he would go strange about it but he actually took it really well. Regardless I didn’t feel the need to tell him, he didn’t even know my husbands name!!
Post # 9
First of all congratulations on your engagement. I am sorry such a special occasion is being overshadowed by your worry about your mother.
As other posters have said, how on earth does she have power to ruin your job or take your home away from you? Maybe you could shed a bit of light on that, because if she could actually do those things then you should be taking steps to make changes so she does not have this power.
Post # 10
- Wedding: County courthouse
Stop giving her power…and don’t tell her. Cut her off already and move on with your life.
Post # 11
jadebellini : “She has managed to gaincontrol over many things in my life and can quite quickly take them all away from me, including my house and my job, if she isn’t happy with things.”
Um…what? How? If she’s so toxic, how did you allow this to happen and how on Earth could she take it away? Get you fired? Get you kicked out? If you’re estranged, wouldn’t she have done that by now? I’m so confused.
Post # 12
If you hold such a poor opinion of this woman, I wouldn’t care what her reaction is. You will be entering an adult situation called marriage. You and your future husband need to develop boundaries. Your Mother sounds like she needs professional psychiatric help.
Post # 13
The more pressing issue here is getting a job/living situation that your mom doesn’t have control over, not finding a way to avoid incurring her wrath.
You’re getting married. (Yayyyy!!! :D) Do what you must to start off married life without being in a position to be so easily manipulated.
Post # 14
I just want to say I totally empathise! I dreaded telling my Mum as well as she’s very much the same, angry, aggressive, tells me what I should and shouldn’t do etc. I also knew I had to tell her first because she’d be so upset if she weren’t the first to know.
Long story short, I called her full of joy and she yelled at me asking when do I think I’ll possibly get married etc. I know it’s not helpful information but just get it over with. It’ll probably be as bad as you think but my consolation is so many other people were happy for us and hey, if you ever have children you know exactly how not to act right?!
best of luck xx