Post # 1
I am a very private person, and I do not tell my parents if I am in a relationship unless it is serious. Well, I met an amazing man and he would like to meet my family (they live in another state). This issue is, both my bf and I are religious (we actually met at church) however, my parents are very much against christianity becuase my aunt and uncle are the epitome of all things wrong with religion. How do I tell them we met at church and have them give him a chance? Also, I forgot to mention that my father is probably one of the most judgemental people ever.
I am nervous about their reaction not only to him, but also the fact that I have been going to church. Any advice is greatly appreciated!
Post # 2
Skip the church talk? You are not at home anymore, you are an adult. You can just say “Meet Bill, he is into X “sports”, Y “current events” and Z “NCIS”. Whatever is in common with the parents.
Post # 3
hopefullymrsk: Firstly, good news on your new relationship! It’s up to you whether or not you’re ready to tell your parents yet, your boyfriend should not pressure (not implying he is) you into taking things too quickly.
But most importantly, your faith is your choice. Your parents should be old enough to know to judge only by the person, not by the religion. I know you can get some nutters who hide behind their faith, but really, they’re just nutters regardless! Your parents may have been stung but I’d just be honest with them. If they have reservations then address them matter of factly. They should give you both a chance, you may need to ask for one but they’re your parents! They should absolutely give you time.
Post # 4
theatrejulia: The main issue is I know the inevitable “How did you meet?” conversation is going to come up. Otherwise it would be really easy to skip the whole religion/church issue.
Post # 5
hopefullymrsk: You can lie, like most do when they meet people online and instead say “oh, we met at a coffee shop”, change topics or be honest about church
Post # 6
howdoyoudo: Thank you so much for your advice! And my bf is definitely not pressuring me, I would like for them to meet as well and I definitely feel that it is time. I just wish my parents were more understanding… My dad refers christians as being “brainwashed” and I actually heard my mother talking on the phone when I was in college, saying how she really hoped I wouldn’t ever want to go to church becuase she’s afraid i’ll turn out like my aunt and uncle.
Post # 7
hopefullymrsk: Then your Dad is being ignorant. You can’t disregard an entire faith with so little regard.
Besides, people change. You may find that they reconsider their stance on your faith once they realise it means something to you. Sometimes we say things we don’t truly mean in the heat of the moment. So long as you show that you’re still you, and you have a personality of your own then they should accept you. You’re not brainwashed if you can think for yourself. You need to be able to see both the good and the bad of your religion. Generally it’s not healthy to follow a religion to the letter. Most will take the good parts where they can better themselves and help others and run with that. Faith should be in your heart, not written in a book.
Post # 8
I wouldn’t lie about where you met and going to church. You’ll always feel icky about the lie, and the truth will eventually come out.
If they can’t accept your faith and your Boyfriend or Best Friend, that is unfortunate, but as Christians, we know that we will not have an easy time and there will be persecution along the way.
I would warn your Boyfriend or Best Friend that while you want them all to meet, it may not go entirely smoothly. Give him a heads up.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t lie. Why take responsibility for the burden of their intolerance? Be honest, and they can choose how to react, and then you can decide if you want to be around it
Post # 10
Cory_loves_this_girl: Thanks for the advice! yeah, I definitely don’t feel comfortable lying about something like that, and I don’t think it would be good to start off the relationship between my parents and my bf on a lie. Plus I wouldnt feel comfortable asking bf to lie about it either…. I just don’t know how to start the converstation with my mom about the fact that I have been going to church and its something that is important to me, and that religion is also important to my bf.
Post # 11
i think you can pray together befoe speak to your parents..
maybe you can invite your parents to your place and take dinner together with him.. and you can introduce him
Post # 12
It’s understandable that you’re concerned, then. Hang in there, Bee. My two cents will differ from advice you’ve received here because I’d suggest you postpone the meeting.
Await a more serious stage in the relationships, such as engagement for you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend or interest (or interference) from your parents. I didn’t meet my ILs until engaged. We also waited until the trip and its propriety (and the appearance of it) was assured (it was a flight, separate guestrooms, family’s acceptance of our faith and intentions). My ILs didn’t share our faith and it was important to my Fiance and I that they saw it in action. Now, if your interstate travel is a day trip for them to just meet for a meal, then your witness isn’t affected by the travel.
My other suggestion would be to await a meeting until a family gathering is held, where parents, siblings, your religious aunt and uncle, etc. are all there. That way your Boyfriend or Best Friend meets them in a more casual manner. If an overnight stay is required for that, maybe have your aunt and uncle host you two.
Anyway, I agree with all the posters reminding you that you should stand firm on your convictions and stand up for yourself as an autonomous adult despite your parents’ objections to your faith. My advice simply carries forward into considering your faith walk itself, as well as how its viewed by an outsider even when that outsider is family.
Post # 13
Maybe let them know that you’ve been going to church first, in another conversation before dropping the boyfriend on them too? I’d probabl time that conversation shortly before I walked out the door. Give a few minutes for discussion, but know there is a hard endpoint if they start inon you. ” Hey, mom/dad, I wanted to let you know something. I don’t want to fight about it, but i know you aren’t going to approve, and we’re probably just going to have to agree to disagree. I’ve found that religion does have alace in my life, and I’ve been going to church pretty regularly. ”
Post # 14
Thinking really long term on this… If you’re both religious, surely you would want to be married (if you want to get married) within a church, or more specifically your church? I know that was a no-brainer for us. So, if your relationship progresses to that point, your parents are going to have to be comfortable sitting through a religious ceremony. Perhaps you could open up to your parents about church first, I realise it might not be a comfortable situation but if you can explain that this is something you believe, it hasn’t fundamentally changed who you are and that you would like them to respect your wishes. We all make our choices and it isn’t for someone else to say if our choices are right or wrong. After broaching the topic of religion, you could then say that you’ve met a wonderful man and if they ask where, say church.
Alternatively, if you’re not ready to go down that route yet, maybe say you met through “a mutual friend” and nobody that they would know before changing subject to how nice he is. I know you mentioned you don’t want to lie but I think this is just one version of the truth, your mutual friend being Christianty. Good luck to you in this situation.
Post # 15
I also don’t agree with lying. There’s no shame in being religious. If your parents are ignorant and intolerant that is their fault not yours. If they ask I’d just be honest. And if they give fly a hard time I would say something like “would you rather I met someone while trying to score dope”. Don’t allow their intolerance to mar something that’s making you happy.