Post # 17
@Phantom: I think I would rather call them at first, so I dont have to wait to go to their house (we live in the same city but not exactly close) to tell them in person. I agree with the other post about calling them excitedly and then going to their house together with my fiance to tell them.
I do think what you said about what my actions being immature was a little unwarranted. I had taken my mother out to lunch (instead of going to my high school reunion…she taught there while I attended, so we both decided to skip and spend the time together) and yes, I thought it best to cushion the blow with some light alcohol. To assume I got my mother snot-slinging drunk in the middle of the day is pretty ridiculous. I did not. Also, when I moved in with him, I had moved in with him a month before I told them. I wanted to make sure we were getting along well and things were going the right way before I told them and made them freak out. (I also dated him for 6 months before I told them too for this very reason and I dont think it was a mistake at all) When I tell my parents what I’m thinking about doing, they ALWAYS shoot it down. Whether its what college I want to go to, study abroad, getting a job, getting a dog, or moving in with my boyfriend. Its always better to tell them after the fact because then its a done deal; and even then they might take issue. Quite frankly, I dont care what my parents think is good for me….at the same time I dont want to not have them in my life. That doesnt make my action immature, it just means I know how to handle my parents most of the time. I asked about engagement because this is new territory for me and I want to do it right.
Post # 18
mightywombat Well im a grown woman and i think its a beautiful tradition and its not getting their consent its taking them into consideration and letting them know you thought of them you are going to marry their daughter, to me its just moral.
Post # 19
I agree with the idea of calling them excitedly, keeping the conversation VERY SHORT, and expecting their reaction to be less than thrilled so you won’t be too disappointed. If it were me, I would then send them a card or note or email, reiterating how happy and excited you are, how firmly you know that Fiance is the right man for you, and stressing that it’s very important to you that they are pleased for you and that they support your relationship. That way, when you go to see them with Fiance to show off your ring (assuming you have one!), you have set the stage for them to behave in appropriate ways and they’ve had time to get used to the idea. If they are unable to do that, I would consider it a pretty clear response, and I’d try to accept it and focus your attention on people who are happy for you.
Post # 20
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
It sounds like your parents are in the “it’s better to ask for forgiveness than for approval” category. (Not that there is anything with the impending engagement you need to ask forgiveness for…I mean that they have a track record of not supporting your decisions. At first I thought- maybe you should drop hints about the engagement, but that might backfire on you)
I agree with Jijitattoo– tell them with a brief, excited phone call, then you can follow up with a joint visit later to celebrate. It doesn’t sound like your Boyfriend or Best Friend would get your father’s blessing, so why put him through that?
Post # 21
@Missus_LLC: there is no requirement to ASK parents. My parents certainly never expected that and will not “give me away” at my wedding either. Two grown adults with two witnesses can marry. Involving family is a very good gesture, which is great if they’re nice back. But I see her family as one that just has a picture set out for her and that’s not fair. I do not think that if, say he were to ask her dad, and dad said no, then the two of them shouldnt do it. We enter relationships for us, not for our parents. It’s her that has to live with it all her life so it’s her choice that’s important
@1stRosie: Its such a shame. If you believe asking is appropriate, do it. But by all means do not let a no from your dad be what stops you. Your choice is your choice and if they FORMALLY refuse to be a part of it, you know where you stand
Post # 22
If they’re that unsupportive about everything you do, I’d avoid it altogether and just change my Facebook status.Maybe then, they’ll get the hint.
Post # 23
I don’t think you should tell them you’re engaged until you actually have a ring on your finger- it seems like your parents need some sort of finality to your decisions (like not accepting your job situation until you were permanent).
When my SO and I started looking at rings, I told my mom that we were “talking about future stuff” one day in the car. It was super awkward, but I think it sort of prepared her. When he proposed, my parents were the first ones I called. Now, my parents love my Fiance so its very different than your situation, but I think the heads-up talk, followed by official engagement annoucement, might work well for you, too.
Post # 24
@mightywombat: I hate that tradition too
Post # 25
Well, you’re not actually engaged yet. And maybe this works in your favor. Rather than technically asking their approval, you and your Fiance can discuss with them that you are planning to get married. It makes it seem less sneaky (I know it’s not sneaky, but they might see it as such if you spring it on them post-fact), more out in the open. As an adult, you needn’t be shy, afraid, or avoidant of this topic with them.
Post # 26
I’m so glad you started a thread on this, since I had a similar problem! I was TERRIFIED to tell my parents. I’m not very close with them, and they didn’t know I was seeing anyone. I literally had no idea how they would react. I actually also thought my friends would disapprove, since they already had voiced concern about how fast we were moving and about it being too soon… of course all of them took 7 years to get married, so nothing I do would be slow enough for them!
Anyway, I bring this up since I honestly was pleasantly surprised at the reactions of every single person, even the people I thought would be unsupportive. When you just talk about marrying someone, that is very different than having a ring on your finger. Once that happens, I think most people give up on trying to talk you out of it, and they start trying to figure out how they can make it work and not estrange themselves from you and your new fiance. You can’t really judge how your parents will react based on their past reactions, since being engaged is very different than just dating someone. They might surprise you.
I would just call them up whenever you’re comfortable. tell them on your own, just in case they have a bad reaction, and then they’ll have time to get used to the idea before you come over with your fiance along. That’s what I did. My parents didn’t have the best reaction ever, but they did come around once the shock wore off!!! If mine managed to be supportive, anyone’s can! Good luck!!!!
Post # 27
Hi all! I faced this exact problem a few weeks ago. This is the thread on it:
And it has the same themes. Big age difference, boyfriend is Jewish and I am Catholic, and also add his unemployment into the mix!
@1stRosie: Just use your judgment. If you want to call them first then call them. Personally I think any communication is better in person. For me it worked best announcing it to them in person together once we were engaged and I had the piece of ice on my finger to show my mom. They took it MUCH better than I thought they would.