(Closed) how do I tell people theyre not invited

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

i think you can just say something like “oh we’re having a pretty small, intimate wedding, so unfortunately we won’t be able to invite everyone we would like”.

i don’t know why people do that either.  I heard a story once about a someone who did NOT receive an STD to a wedding.  She even talked about it to one of the BMs in the wedding who she was friends with and said she was sad she didn’t get an invite.   Then this girl meets up with the bride a month or so later and tells her “I can’t wait for you wedding, I will definitely make sure I can come”.  So the bride then felt obligated to  invite her and did!  None of us uderstood why she did it…..but ya, some people ARE like that!

Post # 3
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i flat out tell them “you’re not invited” i make it as a joke. seems to work lol

better than feeling ackward n leading them on. plus my wedding is a 75 guest count only.

Post # 4
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I told people that we were having a really small wedding and would only be inviting closest friends and family.  I always led with the “small” part so that I would get fewer questions.

Most people understood, but we did have one family member basically beg to come.  It was weird and we let them come.  This was a step-uncle.  

If you don’t care enough to invite them (not meaning this meanly) then you/they will get over it eventually.

Post # 6
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

it is very rude when they say they can’t wait or when they’re getting their invite… i had one saying… “you need to send me the invite already so i can let my bf know the time” well she is invited… but her bf is not. if they aren’t together for a year or living together then the other party is not invited, unless we are close to them. i was mad about this.

Post # 7
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i also tell them they’re not invited, and if they want to come then they can pay $140 lol!! i have so many ppl from work asking, and it’s not like the food is cheap either!

Post # 8
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Co-workers and random people I hang out with rarely are the worst offenders of this so far.  I just say “We are still figuring out what we want.  We will probably be having a smaller event, but it means so much to me that you are excited.”  Then I go into marriage for awhile and generally they get bored and stop asking me about it.

I was warned though about this happening, otherwise, I think I would have been floundering and more than a little shocked.

Post # 9
Member
1696 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t find these sorts of comments all that strange. Traditionally, and in most places also by law, weddings are public events. A church wedding is first and foremost a church service and (with the obvious exception of celebrity weddings where security and paparazzi have to be managed) normally no-one can be turned away from “God’s House”. Civil marriages are legal procedings, and in many states your Marriage Act specifies that the door may not be locked (or, in some cases, even closed!) or that the venue must be accessible from the public street. Marriage licenses or their alternative, banns, are all about ensuring that marriages cannot take place in secret; because after all, the fabric of society is woven out of such bonds and relationships, and we are all affected by them.

Nowadays, the public nature of wedding ceremonies is pro forma only. It’s usually only a handful of parishioners who are interested in attending a church-wedding without an explicit invitation; though it does still routinely happen. And civil weddings are even less often attended by anyone but invitees. But, the practice lives on in our culture of third parties taking the initiative in showing interest in the wedding.

So, rather than the rejecting slap-down of “Well, YOU aren’t invited”, you could try the more oblique explanation that “actually, we’re having a private wedding.” That makes the put-down less personal, as though it were somehow the wedding itself that was to blame for their non-invitation.

Or, if you are having a church wedding you can say “Well, the CEREMONY is at <blah, blah, blah>, and everyone is welcome at THAT.” That lets them know that they aren’t being invited to the reception, while still allowing them to save face.

 

Post # 10
Member
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It pisses me off when people ask that! I’ve been asked by so many people…most people I haven’t talked to in over three years (and just now contacting me! ugh!) OR people I can’t stand and make it obvious that I don’t want to be around them. We just say “we havent got the guest list figured out since we having a small wedding”. If they find out after that there were over 200 poeple, then that’s fine…I just don’t wanna deal with the drama before 🙂

Post # 11
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I did a facebook purge to avoid this. So far, so good. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
374 posts
Helper bee

aspasia is right.  Unless you are a Mormon, the church service is always a public witness.  The reception is private.

So, when people say this, you can say “You are more than welcome to come to the church if you are able and we would love to have you witness our vows.  Due to the economy though we have to keep the invitations to the reception limited and we chose a small venue.  Now we wish we could have invited more people because everyone is so happy for us and really wants to come and we’d love to invite everyone; but now we are restrained by our contract from including everyone.  Thank you so much for being happy for us, it makes me feel so welcome.

How’s that?

Post # 13
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

oh wow. i got asked by an invitee if they can bring a date after on their invite it said 1. her bf can’t come so i marked 1 seat… and now she is saying that it’s just like if he was to come, if she brought someone else… .UUUUUH NO!!

Post # 14
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I am having a “destination” wedding (not that it is on some beautiful island or foreign country, but simply that 95% of our guests will be traveling at least 700 miles to get here), so when people are like, “Oh, I can’t wait!” I think to myself…. Fine. I’ll send you an invite. If you feel like traveling 700/1300/2000/however many miles to come to my wedding when I otherwise wouldn’t invite you, then you have earned your spot!

@sceeder: About a year ago I deleted 400+ people from my FB. I had no idea I would be getting engaged but it has come in handy! It also comes in handy that I moved 1300 miles away in order to get married, so I don’t have people clamoring to come to my wedding.

Post # 15
Member
3620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with PurpleUnicorn – when people asked me *or told me* things like this, I just said ‘aw, unfortunately we’re having a small wedding as our venue can only accommodate a certain amount, we can’t invite everyone we’d like… but we might have a big informal party afterward!” (we never did).

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