(Closed) How do I tell people?

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Oooh, I don’t really have any great ideas but am in exactly the same position so am interested to hear what others have to say. We are Australian and French living in the US, getting the paperwork done there for visa reasons before a trip to Australia for our real wedding. People close to us know the story and reasons, but I don’t know how to tell everyone else. I don’t want them to think they aren’t getting the real deal just because our wedding itself won’t be the legally binding occasion it usually is.

Anyway, no answers here. Just more interested ears!

Post # 5
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I like your wording. And the closer to Christmastime you can get your wedding in Scotland, the less weird it will seem (if it seems weird at all to some).

Post # 7
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

I think that if you consider the legal wedding to be just paperwork (which is what we did), then there’s not much reason to tell people.  We didn’t think of it as being deceiving, because the wedding *was* the real one for us.  The few people that we told outside of our family were just confused. 

I don’t think many people will think themselves "cheated".  And if they do, that’s just silly.  A wedding is about two people making a committment public, not about the legal details!

 But, your wording looks really good if you really want to tell people.  Just a note, not everyone knows what "weddinged" means.  I didn’t until just a few weeks ago.  And be prepared for questions.  We got a lot of questions about why we did the legal part separately, and if such things were allowed (?).

 Anyway, good luck, whatever you do! =)

Post # 8
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

All of my international friends considered the paperwork just paperwork.  You are only married when you say you are married.  If you are going to be calling him Hubbie and feel like it is a secret – it is a secret – but if you feel like it is just paperwork, it’s just paperwork.   I have a good friend who I am going to see in a few minutes who has been "married" according to paperwork for a year to her boyfriend who lives in Paris (via Lebanon).  They are planning a wedding, but because of paperwork, visas, etc., you sometimes have to do things like get officially married a year or more in advance – but we just follow their lead – she says "I can’t wait to go see my Fiance tomorrow (she gets to go to Lebanon tomorrow – I’m so excited for her) than he’s her Fiance.  If she had said Husband, than he’d be her Husband, etc.  A wedding in Scottland – fun, fun!!  Congrats!

Post # 10
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

this is really common in Europe and most other parts of the world…it’s pretty much expected that there will be a legal ceremony with just immediate family and then a bigger celebration later. I don’t think any of your European guests will be surprised in the least and might think it’s odd that you go out of the way to explain.  Personally I wouldn’t do anything written, I would just have family and friends spread the word and be upfront about it when people ask. 

Post # 11
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I agree with BaghdadBride! Many brides who have destination weddings get married in their hometowns first, then have the ceremony abroad (to avoid the legal wranglings of another country’s marriage process). I don’t think you need to explain yourselves at all. Since your ceremony is taking place in Scotland, the Montreal wedding is really just a legal matter between the two of you that doesn’t need to be shared with all of your guests.

Post # 12
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I would just indicate on your invitations that you’re inviting people to the public celebration of your marriage with family and friends.  As opposed to the private, civil ceremony that you already had.  If somebody asks specifically, you can explain.  I personally think that too much explanation is just that – too much.  And I’m not fond of made-up words – which is what "weddinged" sounds like to me (plus it’s a little cutesy…)

You could say something like:  Please plan on joining us to celebrate our union as husband and wife…  or:  The honor of your presence is requested to witness the marriage vows of… 

Neither goes into too much detail, but neither attempts to deny any previous civil ceremony.  I agree a little with your Future Mother-In-Law, that you shouldn’t purposely deceive your guests (don’t outright lie to them, or try too hard to hide the civil ceremony) but I also agree with rebecca that as your guest I don’t need the invitation or STD to give me your life story…

Post # 13
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

People do this all the time, and I don’t think it’s a big deal.  We actually didn’t do the paperwork until several weeks *after* our "wedding" but the day with the rings was the real deal, not the paper day.

I don’t really think you need to tell anyone at all, but if you do, just be upfront about it.  I mean, how many weddings have you been to where you watched them sign the certificate?  You have a good reason to do it, and I think that’s all the explanation you need.

Post # 14
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I’m so glad other people have this problem too!

My fiance and I are getting legally married in a week (ack!) in California because there is a vote coming up in November that might make it illegal for us to marry after that date (since we are a same sex couple). Our wedding isn’t scheduled until next summer, but we’re doing it legally now. Since the legal marraige is not a big affair — just our parents will be there — I’m really not thinking of it as the actual marraige and because of that I don’t really feel like other folks need to know everything (although I feel like I’m having to explain it all to everyone anyway). 

 Well, I guess my point is that you shouldn’t feel like you’re deceiving anyone.  No one else is involved in the legal bits, but they are involved in the wedding bits — so just let them know that you’re  happy they could be a part of it, no need to discuss the legality.

Congrats! 

Post # 15
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

There are lots of invite wordings that state that you are celebrating your marriage rather than your "wedding" since you will already be married.

 This site has some with eloping even though thats not what you are doing or a private ceremony and inviting people to a reception.

http://www.invitationconsultants.com/sw-wedding.aspx

I think that if you send out a wedding annoucement for the people who won’t be at the Montreal ceremony could work also. Stating that you got married.

Post # 16
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

There is a site that deals with all weddings offbeat- such as yours- weddinged was featured a couple weeks back and here’s the search on it. 

 

http://offbeatbride.com/?s=weddinged

 

However, if people think you are decieving them, well they are just boo… be upfront about it and seriously, just call it the marriage in front of God and your families… the court just got theirs first! 

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