Post # 1
As a Christian I fully support marriage and what it represents. I know couples don’t go into marriage expecting to get divorced, it is just something that happens. I never wanted to get married because my family is a mess. I have 3 dads, a mom and a step mom, 6 aunts and uncles multiple cousins and several grandparents who have been married and divorced at least once if not multiple times. The only people in my family still married are my grandma and grandpa on my biological dad’s side.
I met my fiance a few years ago and he introduced me to God and a completely different life as a Christian. He changed my views on marriage and showed me how marriage was meant to be. There are no divorces in his very large family. We are following in their footsteps by taking several classes such as a basic life seminar, premartial counseling, financial peace university, and an engagement encounter.
I knew I wanted to marry him and had never been more sure in my life about any decision. Then, a couple days ago, my parents told me they are getting a divorce. It is not a messy divorce at all. They didn’t fight about it. It was a decision they calmly talked about and came to a decision on together. I just don’t understand how you stand in front of all your friends and family and say you will be there for them for better or worse, and not mean it. How can I trust marriage? I have been very upset about all this. How do you plan a wedding with so much divorce around you. Why do so many people fail at this? I am more scared not than I have ever been.
Post # 3
You can be as religious as you want and I wish you the best, HOWEVER, happiness is very important, too. I personally don’t believe that God judges people based off of sex before marriage, divorces, homosexuality, etc. but rather the content of someone’s character. That being said, if you are unhappy in a marriage, and you try to make it work and it just WONT, I wouldn’t stay in an unhappy marriage. Your Fiance may have family that isn’t divorced but how happy are they? And are they pretending to keep appearances up? You don’t know what any relationship is like and until you’ve been in an utterly unhappy relationship I don’t think you can judge. Also, I live with my Fiance and I think that is the best “premarital counseling” you can get.
I don’t want to go off on a tangent but you can’t base your relationship off of your parents. You aren’t them. I think a relationship will last if both people a) put in the work necessary and b) want to put the work in. Don’t let the demise of your parents marriage frighten you because it has nothing to do with you.
Post # 4
About a year ago when my Fiance and I were seriously considering getting married, my parents were going through a rough patch in their marriage – my dad was suffering from drug issues induced by the many medical issues he had, which turned him into a very verbally abusive person and made a lot of poor decisions financially – and this went on for 3 years or more . My mom saw a divorce lawyer and was considering leaving, and it took her saying he needed to go to rehab or she would get a divorce. Thankfully, he was able to turn himself around and they are still together – but if things didn’t change I would have supported the divorce. Imagine for a moment that you’ve been with someone for twenty years, and suddenly they hit their head and become a completely different person, who is emotionally abusive and is not able or willing to change and contribute to the relationship. Personally, I couldn’t – I think it’s important to invest in your marriage every day so extreme measures never need to be taken, but I think there are some cases which divorce is the best solution.
Anyways, it was hard to watch my parents go through that, but I learned it’s really important to separate your marriage from everyone else’s. My nieghbors are currently going through a separation after 7 years of marriage, and while I see some similarities in the dynamics of their marriage and my relationship with my Fiance, I have to remind myself we are not them so I don’t freak myself out about the future. Marriage is not a science, and the challenges you will face will be different from your parents and your FI’s parents. It’s up to you to figure out what works, and maintain your relationship to the best of your humanly ablities. No one can control the future or another person’s reactions, but if you are doing everything you can do to keep the marriage alive without seriously compromising your own purpose in life, then I think that’s all one can expect.
Post # 5
As a person that attends a non denominational church I can tell you that religious couples get divorced too so being religious doesnt mean that people are married even when they’re not happy. What I can tell you is that the church speaks of ways engaged or married couples can do to be happy in a marriage. They offer classes, lectures, and outside(the church) help. So basically its definately a support group.To OP, I know it can be difficult to not have a strong marriage role model, religious or not, but you need to believe that you and your Fiance are tao different individuals than your parents or his. The only people that will determine you twos failure is… you two 🙂 You are not your mom and he is not his dad. Stay strong and I would speak with a counselor about these insecurities. GL.
Post # 6
Divorce runs in my family, too, but I am not worried about getting divorced myself. What I have done, and what you need to do, is to realize all of the things in those certain marriages that you do not want in yours. A lot of people think that just because their parents were divorced, they will have learned that and they will get divorced, too. Or they think it’s some kind of contagious action. Not true! You can learn from others’ mistakes. However, you shouldn’t be afraid of divorce. If it was something you ever had to do, then you should do it. I know that you think that your familly is a “mess” from all of the divorces, but I know that my family is so much happier and healthier because of them.
But I do sometimes find myself wondering what a lifelong marriage looks like…so I am going to have to represent that myself lol. I can relate to your worries, and I think that anyone who has experienced their parents divorcing (especially multiple times like us) feels some doubt or worry once in a while. Just don’t let it overrun you and realize that it is just a conditioned response because it hurt you, and you don’t want it coming back to hurt you. You aren’t going to get divorced just because your parents did.
So take a breath, settle down, and realize that you don’t have to trust “marriage,” you just have to trust your Fiance and yourself, and YOUR marriage. At least, that is how I look at it.
Post # 7
@kkish3: Love this! “…realize that you don’t have to trust ‘marriage,’ you just have to trust your Fiance and yourself, and YOUR marriage.”
Post # 8
Sweetie, thats like saying how can I have trust myself as a prospective mother when someone else drove her kids off a bridge.
“Marriage” has no power. It is made up of the will of 2 people, and depending on your beliefs god and a bit of luck.
Post # 9
Because everyone is different, no two people are alike, and what may happen to a thousand other people may never happen to you. ♥
Post # 10
I feel the same way. My parents split up 10 years ago and have a very rocky relationship STILL. Some of the things my mom says about my dad I think “how can she ever have loved him?” I couldn’t even imagine feeling that way towards my Fiance.
I think what some PP have said is correct, you need to trust your Fiance and YOUR marriage. If both parties want to make it work, they can!