(Closed) How Do I (We) Tell My Parents?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3908 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@dogloverforever: 

Are you going to marry your Fiance in october even if your mum doesn’t approve? If your answer is yes….just tell her. Her yelling and screaming at you won’t change the outcome….it will make the situation uncomfortable….but you are an adult at the end of the day.

I really think you should take a good look at that book about boundaries given to you by your pastor….boundaries go both ways. If you want your mum to respect your life choices…you need to act like an adult and be responsible for yourself. You shouldn’t be at the mercy of your parents for a roof over your head (neither should your FI)….how can you ask your mum to respect you as an  independent adult if your actions are sending mixed messages. You  and Fiance have to live with her (financial reasons?) and you seek her approval constantly and have let her influence important life decisions in the past. You need to sever apron strings so she can actually view you as a woman and not her baby…(many mums have a hard time detaching)

I know it is hard…I’m 28 and I am still constantly fighting the ingrained behaviour of seeking my parents approval….I made a conscious decision years ago to retrain myself to wanting  my  parents to support my choices,  but i did not need their approval.  So basically my control freak mum can yell all she likes…its no issue anymore if she doesn’t approve!!! Since I’ve made that decision…my relationship with my parents has improved…they now respect me as an adult and let me do my own thing. (no more mixed messages)

hope all goes well with your mum…..if all else fails….get yourself a good pair of earplugs for all that yelling!!

Congrats on the engagement!

PS…just a thought if your dad likes your Fiance….could you talk to him first and get him to help break the news to your mum???

 

Post # 5
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@dogloverforever:  Well, I’d like to start by saying your mom DOES “discriminate” if she doesn’t believe in interracial/intercultural marriage. I find it really troubling that she has those kinds of feelings. Someone in my family does, and it has made them a REALLY hard person to be with. My ex was black, another was latino, and my husband now is latino. I keep her at an arm’s length because of her feelings/behavior. I suggest you do the same with your mom. Also, so sounds controlling. Maybe she doesn’t MEAN to be, just like she doesn’t MEAN to be racisit… but she is. Love her, accept her how she is, but keep your distance.

You guys are adults who are ready to be married. Tell your mother this. If she doesn’t like it, tell her you’re sorry she feels that way, and that you hope she can try to give him/your relationship a chance. If not, tell her to feel free NOT to come to the wedding or see her *gasp* mixed grandbabies when they come out. It’s your life… you have to live it for you, not your mom.

Post # 7
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@dogloverforever:  It’s SO hard as we realize our family member aren’t, and won’t be, who we want them to be. It was a really hard thing for me to accept. For a long time, I cut people out completely. That wasn’t quite the right solution, and I’m realizing it now as I get older. Accept your mom for who she is, and hope she accepts you. I have a feeling that it’ll suck for a while… but once this guy proves to be a decent husband she’ll at least be neutral, if not happy. And grandbabies might sweeten the deal haha 😉

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