Post # 46
LadyBear : Thanks for understanding 🙂 It has been tough! I don’t want to say I’m INTOLERANT but I guess “uncomfortable” is a great word. My fiance tells me she’s awful with money, I turn around, and there’s $300 in gifts sitting on my doorstep. Guilt is also a good word.
Like you, I just need to get past that feeling! It’s HER money. It’s not my fault if she goes into debt every holiday season, right?
Post # 47
AnonBee2019 : Yes! And that’s how I feel about the wedding. I honestly wouldn’t mind if they wanted input and wanted to control something about the wedding. Give $100 towards the cake, decide the frosting flavor. Et cetera. Their input and them caring would be totally fine.
That would just be so much more helpful than…well, pajamas and a stuffed dog. The same exact gifts they gave to their daughters, who are not planning a wedding.
Gift giving is such an odd science XD My parents have always given us such individualized gifts. That’s what I’m used to. Things we forever used and cherished. That’s the only type of gift-giving I have ever known, from them to my grandparents to my fiance to my sisters and brother. All about the same amount of money, but we all got something DIFFERENT.
This “lump sum for all without asking what they want” gift-giving is so different!
Post # 48
Regarding the gifts only: It is annoying. I would donate them. Get over it.
Post # 49
It could be worse. They could make it a point to give you less than their children, even after you’re married.
Post # 50
- Wedding: September 2020 - Upstate NY
Just throwing out there i didnt read every page of replies but i do want to comment-
I had just about the same thing happen to me last year at my boyfriends house for my first christmas there. We had been together a year and a half last christmas (the previous year we did separate things). I knew that a lot of his family had gotten my kids presents and the tree was exploding with what i thought was all gifts for them. I thought it was so sweet that his entire family would treat my kids like their own, it was really very heart warming. But then we got to distributing gifts and they put one next to me, then another, and i thoughtaww how nice they even thought of me. and then they just kept coming one after another until i had an entire couch full of presents next to me and my bf had to move to a different seat. my bf received a lot of gift cards so he didnt have to open anything. I felt soo uncomfortable because i was not expecting it at all and i can get really socially awkward especially when all eyes are on me, and i still didnt know them very well and trying to impress the parents etc.. I was and still am so appreciative of everything but holy cow was it a shock. My Boyfriend or Best Friend even told me later he was not expecting that at all. I just took it as they really must like me lol.
was there stuff i still havent used? yes. will i ever tell them that? noway. Just say thank you and do what you want with the gifts. I think it would be pretty rude to say or do otherwise.
Post # 51
knotyet : I would honestly be okay with that, oddly. XD
Post # 52
It’s normal for some families to do this. My Grandma likes to find the largest gift bag, big enough that my little cousins actually get in the bag, and FILL it with gifts and then have wrapped gifts on the side too. Once my family caught wind of the fact that my husband didn’t have a family that really gave him gifts, they’d all do the same for him, even when he was just my boyfriend and then my fiance. They felt bad about his upbringing and felt that he deserved to get to open a bunch of presents like they feel should have happened when he was young (his mom can’t/won’t hold a job so she couldn’t really afford gifts and when she could she’d only get them for her youngest kids and his rich extended family wouldn’t get my husband anything).
So honestly, it might just be that this is what they do, and what they feel good about. As far as the whole wedding thing goes, everyone feels differently about what their money should be spent on. Nowadays most brides and grooms are paying for their own weddings, so they just might not feel like its their place to give you thousands of dollars towards this. But that doesn’t mean that they won’t give you a lot of money as a wedding gift. Many family members of ours that we thought might offer to contribute didn’t but they gave us a card with anywheres from $1000-$2000 as a wedding gift. They just felt like it was more important for us to have that money to start our lives.
Post # 53
megm1099 : Totally. I struggle with my Future Mother-In-Law because she always tries to give us stuff for our apartment that I absolutely HATE or buy us random things that are totally useless. She always goes on and on about why she bought it and why its so great and honestly I wish she would just visit for once. So I get what you’re saying. However, when it comes to buying you individual gifts, maybe get your fiance to go with her when she goes shopping for you to have some sort of control over the situation if you feel uncomfortable. My Future Mother-In-Law isn’t at all financially stable or responsible either, so I get where you are coming from.
Post # 54
I don’t think you’re being ungrateful and it’s kind of irritating that some pp are giving you such a hard time. It’s really annoying to have to pay extra for people you don’t care about under the threat of “well then we won’t come”. And then to get a box of unusable items just rubs it in. This kind of gift giving is all for the giver to feel like they’re doing something good while ignoring the fact that a gift should please the recipient. When you’re married just tell her one small gift is enough, you don’t have room for more and will have to donate everything else.
But you should have told them that extra people is extra money and they need to cover it.