Post # 1
First post woo! I (25F) recently entered a long distance relationship with a 24M. I went overseas for a few weeks and he was one of the housemates and we hit it off pretty quickly. I ended up sleeping in his room every night and we became really close. Unfortunately he’s from America and I’m from the UK. We lived together and spent everyday together for 2 months and it was great- a few arguments here and there but trivial housemate stuff.
When I went home we decided to make it official and to try and make it work long distance. Four months on and I find myself really struggling. We have a big argument/fight almost every week and I’m wondering if it’s due to the distance or if we’re just not meant to be. I feel like we’re very different people. He’s a dreamer and I’m a realist. He’s the kind of person to make big plans but to not think about the logistics of his plans if that makes sense.
I’m due to fly to the US next month for 3 weeks, to stay with him and meet his family but whenever I think about booking flights I get really hesitant. Our romance was a real whirlwind and 3 months in we both said we loved each other and we’ve already discussed the future: marriage/engagement timeline, kids, relocation to close the distance…
Our biggest issues at the moment are the constant arguments/fights. We’re good for a few days and then we fight. We’re good again and another fight. This pattern only started a few weeks ago. My biggest issue is that I feel like I put in all the work. I’m a community nurse and I’m an avid traveller so I ask for a lot of time off work. I’m going away this month for 10 days and when I spoke to my boss about taking 3 weeks off in May/June to head to America, they weren’t very happy with me. We’ve kind of come to this unofficial agreement that if I work on weekends when asked to, I can’t turn it down and in return, I’d be allowed more leave next month.
It’s been going on for 3 weeks now. 3 weeks of working mon-fri weeks and extra hours on saturdays and sundays. I have limited time to do house chores, grocery shopping or even to have a social life. He knows about how exhausted I am and he knows I’m working so much to be able to take time off and afford a trip to see him but he’s never explicitly thanked me for it or just a simple ‘hey I know you’re working so hard for us, I appreciate it’. I’m starting to feel resentful and am angry most days- at him and/or exhaustion.
Meanwhile, he’s living with his mum whilst he wait for uni to start again but he’s never told me about his study plans for this year. He’s got an undergraduate degree but it’s not a very specific one- just science. He’s starting a job in a warehouse in 2 weeks and hopes to save to be able to afford flights to me in July. I am just so angry that I work so damn hard at my job to be financially independent and to pay for a holiday to the states and he’s just living off his mum. I’ve spoken to him about it and it turned into this huge fight where he basically said he’s young and has time and already has a degree and blah blah blah. I’ve tried to be patient bees. But it’s getting increasingly difficult to stay calm and keep perspective.
He’s a great guy otherwise I never would’ve attempted long distance but the smallest things are getting to me now and I’m guilty of starting most of our arguments. The only thing that keeps me from ending things is that he treats me better than any other guys I’ve been with previously and I keep coming back to the times we’ve shared in person and how amazing I thought he was. We also share the same love language and communicate really well.
I guess I’m just after some advice. Is long distance meant to be that hard? Have you ever felt like you’ve sacrificed more than your SO to make your relationship work? How much are you willing to give without receiving?
Post # 2
This sounds tough. Long distance relationships require excellent communication on both partners’ ends. The long distance can definitely cause frustrations and any miscommunication can turn into a larger deal than it needed to be. To me, this doesn’t sound like a promising relationship. Is there any end in sight to the long distance? If you’re alreadt talking future goals, surely it’s come up where you see yourselves living?
Post # 3
I’ve been in multiple LDR’s and I can tell you that your constant fights are not normal for a LDR.
Also concerning is that you got into several arguments pretty early on, when you should be in the honeymoon phase.
Post # 4
Communication!! FH and I rock long distance and are great in person but we’re excellent at long distance. The main reason, we communicate! If you need him to validate how hard you are working to be able to see him say so, “I know you appreciate how much work I put in so that I can get time off to be together but it would mean a lot to me if you would tell me how much you appreciate it. I just really need you to say it sometimes.” He cant give you what you dont ask for. We also text goodnight and good morning every day when he is away, we talk each night but after we get off the phone we alternate who initiates a good night text. Which is lovey dovey and affirming and what I love about you esque.
As far as the fighting goes identify what they are about and fix it. Dreamers need realists and realists need dreamers! You are having to put in physical work to see him in order to get time off. There really isnt anything he can do about this. Would splitting the cost of tickets to see each other no matter who is traveling make you feel better about it? Woiuld that help you feel like you arnt putting in more. As far as putting more effort into the relationship, I don’t see working extra so you can have time off to see him as necessarilly putting more effort into the relationship. Does he call and text and put in as much effort to communicate and build your relationship?
Post # 5
elodie2019 : I think the fighting is my fault because I feel like this relationship is unfair (probably not true but it’s how I feel). I work at least 50 hours/week if not more and when I ask him what he does he just says drinking, beach, hanging out, chilling and that just sets me off each time.
He usually puts in effort in communicating by initiating contact except for the last few days- since I got mad that he was once again spending his days at the beach and his nights going out. You’re right about me telling him what I want to hear from him though. Will get onto it!
Post # 6
mrsaime : I agree with you 100%. I guess I’m just hoping that this phase is temporary and that if I stick it out a bit longer it’ll get better- especially if/when I see him in person.
Post # 7
FutureMrsBex : We decided on 2 years max for long distance. Basically until he’s done with his postgrad studies. And I’ve made it clear since day 1 that I’m never moving to America so we both know he’d be the one relocating. But I also agree that this doesn’t look promising at all right now…
Post # 8
Any fighting at all in the beginning should have been a red flag to you. In fact, in your place I’d have been done after those first two months. I’d cancel the planned trip and move on. It’s not supposed to be this hard. Not to mention you really don’t sound at all compatible.
Post # 9
Bee, I’m sorry but this really doesn’t sound like a promising relationship. I was in a nearly 6 year LDR with my now-husband. I was in Michigan and he lived in California. The absolute cornerstone of any LDR is communication. We talked on the phone EVERYDAY. It was really critical for me to feel like a part of his every day life, so we talked about every mundane aspect of our lives every day. I really tried to NEVER be angry when he was doing something fun and I was working or just alone at home. We both had separate lives we had to live.
We had a firm timeline even early in our relationship. We knew when we were closing the distance and getting married. There was never a lack of commitment from either of us, even early on. Taking the time and money to visit each other was always a priority, ALWAYS. We never waffled about it.
We’ve been married now for about 8 months. We closed he distance. Life is wonderful.
I am very supportive of LDRs. I know first hand that you CAN make it work! But I don’t think every relationship can be successful long distance.
Post # 10
Well established relationships turned LDR are hard, but I feel like blooming long distance relationships don’t stand a chance. That aside, he doesn’t sound all that mature. 24 is young, but at this pointhe should be getting his act together instead of partying. There is nothing wrong w/dreamers, heck we all have dreams. The trouble is he has grown comfortable where he is now and that is unlikely to change. I would suggest taking a second glance at the relationship. What if he never matures?
Post # 11
Thanks for all the answers. You’re all very wise and right. I messaged him asking him to call me when he wakes up to chat. He replied saying he didn’t want to talk to me so I just ended things over text.
Post # 12
I see you’ve ended things now and that sounds like the best.
Even aside from the distance, as a UK citizen with a foreign husband, visas are hard and expensive, so if you’re already fighting constantly, that would be another hurdle to get over.
So, I’m sure it wasn’t easy to end it but it sounds like the right thing.
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard
I’m sorry it ended this way 🙁 But I think you were right to after that reaction. He’s too immature for a relationship like this. Most of my relationships including the one with my boyfriend who is now my husband were long distance. Its hard but with an eventual end date and good communication it can work.
Wishing you the best 🙂
Post # 14
Refusing to talk to you is quite childish. That is not how grownups resolve things that are troubling them. Go ahead and add that to the lengthy list of reasons why ending it with this guy was a very wise move.
Three months in is much too early to be making plans about marriage and future children. Guys who talk that stuff are most often picture painting. They may actually feel that way in the moment, but, they don’t expect to be held to anything. Or, they may be con artists. There are always exceptions, naturally. Some people fall in love instantly and have a happily ever after. Some people win the lottery, too.
The other Bees are right about the fighting. At three months in, your experience should have been about fun and romance. Lots of sex. Relationships have to launch nicely and with a lot of positivity. That helps create the foundation for when hiccups occur in the future. This phase in a new relationship is the best it will ever be.
I am going to cite “Hidden Waters” (aka psychologist Ralph Smart), one of my favorite YouTubers. He did a video about how to tell if someone is meant to be in your life:
They bring out the best in you, not the stress in you.
-Dr Ralph Smart
Post # 15
That is really crappy of him to refuse to talk to you, but I think he just did you a big favor. You two sound like you are at different points in your life and the maturity levels aren’t even close to matching. Take good care of yourself and best of luck to you!