How do LDR work??

posted 2 months ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

This sounds tough. Long distance relationships require excellent communication on both partners’ ends. The long distance can definitely cause frustrations and any miscommunication can turn into a larger deal than it needed to be. To me, this doesn’t sound like a promising relationship. Is there any end in sight to the long distance? If you’re alreadt talking future goals, surely it’s come up where you see yourselves living?

Post # 3
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I’ve been in multiple LDR’s and I can tell you that your constant fights are not normal for a LDR.

Also concerning is that you got into several arguments pretty early on, when you should be in the honeymoon phase. 

Post # 4
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Communication!! FH and I rock long distance and are great in person but we’re excellent at long distance. The main reason, we communicate! If you need him to validate how hard you are working to be able to see him say so, “I know you appreciate how much work I put in so that I can get time off to be together but it would mean a lot to me if you would tell me how much you appreciate it. I just really need you to say it sometimes.” He cant give you what you dont ask for. We also text goodnight and good morning every day when he is away, we talk each night but after we get off the phone we alternate who initiates a good night text. Which is lovey dovey and affirming and what I love about you esque.

As far as the fighting goes identify what they are about and fix it. Dreamers need realists and realists need dreamers! You are having to put in physical work to see him in order to get time off. There really isnt anything he can do about this. Would splitting the cost of tickets to see each other no matter who is traveling make you feel better about it? Woiuld that help you feel like you arnt putting in more. As far as putting more effort into the relationship, I don’t see working extra so you can have time off to see him as necessarilly putting more effort into the relationship. Does he call and text and put in as much effort to communicate and build your relationship?

Post # 8
Member
11467 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Any fighting at all in the beginning should have been a red flag to you. In fact, in your place I’d have been done after those first two months. I’d cancel the planned trip and move on. It’s not supposed to be this hard. Not to mention you really don’t sound at all compatible.

Post # 9
Member
1420 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Bee, I’m sorry but this really doesn’t sound like a promising relationship. I was in a nearly 6 year LDR with my now-husband. I was in Michigan and he lived in California. The absolute cornerstone of any LDR is communication. We talked on the phone EVERYDAY. It was really critical for me to feel like a part of his every day life, so we talked about every mundane aspect of our lives every day. I really tried to NEVER be angry when he was doing something fun and I was working or just alone at home. We both had separate lives we had to live. 

We had a firm timeline even early in our relationship. We knew when we were closing the distance and getting married. There was never a lack of commitment from either of us, even early on. Taking the time and money to visit each other was always a priority, ALWAYS. We never waffled about it. 

We’ve been married now for about 8 months. We closed he distance. Life is wonderful.

I am very supportive of LDRs. I know first hand that you CAN make it work! But I don’t think every relationship can be successful long distance. 

Post # 10
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

Well established relationships turned LDR are hard, but I feel like blooming long distance relationships don’t stand a chance.  That aside, he doesn’t sound all that mature.  24 is young, but at this pointhe should be getting his act together instead of partying.  There is nothing wrong w/dreamers, heck we all have dreams.  The trouble is he has grown comfortable where he is now and that is unlikely to change.  I would suggest taking a second glance at the relationship.  What if he never matures?

Post # 12
Member
1879 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I see you’ve ended things now and that sounds like the best.

Even aside from the distance, as a UK citizen with a foreign husband, visas are hard and expensive, so if you’re already fighting constantly, that would be another hurdle to get over.

So, I’m sure it wasn’t easy to end it but it sounds like the right thing. 

Post # 13
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard

I’m sorry it ended this way  🙁 But I think you were right to after that reaction. He’s too immature for a relationship like this. Most of my relationships including the one with my boyfriend who is now my husband were long distance. Its hard but with an eventual end date and good communication it can work. 

Wishing you the best 🙂

Post # 14
Member
10193 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

butfirstchampagne :  

Refusing to talk to you is quite childish.  That is not how grownups resolve things that are troubling them.  Go ahead and add that to the lengthy list of reasons why ending it with this guy was a very wise move.

Three months in is much too early to be making plans about marriage and future children. Guys who talk that stuff are most often picture painting. They may actually feel that way in the moment, but, they don’t expect to be held to anything. Or, they may be con artists.  There are always exceptions, naturally.  Some people fall in love instantly and have a happily ever after. Some people win the lottery, too. 

The other Bees are right about the fighting. At three months in, your experience should have been about fun and romance.  Lots of sex. Relationships have to launch nicely and with a lot of positivity. That helps create the foundation for when hiccups occur in the future. This phase in a new relationship is the best it will ever be. 

I am going to cite “Hidden Waters” (aka psychologist Ralph Smart), one of my favorite YouTubers. He did a video about how to tell if someone is meant to be in your life:

 

 They bring out the best in you, not the stress in you.

-Dr Ralph Smart 

Post # 15
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

That is really crappy of him to refuse to talk to you, but I think he just did you a big favor.  You two sound like you are at different points in your life and the maturity levels aren’t even close to matching.  Take good care of yourself and best of luck to you!

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