Post # 1
So, I am having a hard time deciding whether or not to invite a particular friend of mine. We aren’t super close, but we had kind of a weird falling out a few months ago. Nothing SO major that we couldn’t be friends again, but still kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. She is also the kind of person that if she feels “wronged” she will cut you off from being a friend of hers totally. She has actually done this with 2 of my other much closer friends who will definitely be at the wedding. I definitely couldn’t care less if she was at the wedding & she will be “feuding” with all the people that she knows who will be there–so not the best scenario. However, I don’t necessarily want to NOT be friends with her in the future–but I feel like if she doesn’t get an invite she will feel “slighted” and we will (to her) officially be “not cool”.
So, that is a little background. My wedding will be small–under 100 people, and probably closer to about 85. My friend (who is also wedding planning) said that with such a small wedding, this girl should not be offended that she isn’t invited, since she has to know that she is not one of my closest friends, and thus wouldn’t make the cutoff. I actually think that this might be true. However she won’t know that it’s a small wedding in order to not be offended–she will just know she wasn’t invited.
So, I know that a lot of people have even smaller weddings than me, and I think that they must also have other people who feel that they SHOULD be invited, but would respect the fact that they wouldn’t be invited to a family-only or very small wedding. So, my question is how do you convey that? Do these people ever know that they haven’t been invited to a small wedding? What do you do when there are people who perhaps WOULD be understanding if they knew the situation, but they don’t bother to find out?
Post # 3
Oh I am interested to hear what the bees have to say about this – I am also having around 100 people at my wedding and due to a large family I am unable to invite a lot of friends and even not all my family and have choosen to invite family members that I have or had a good connection with and cousins that I haven’t seen or never had that connection with to leave out and I too am curious about the fall out. I have tried to spread the word that it is small and the venue can only hold x number of people so that they sort of understand…..
Post # 4
Here’s the thing: most people would understand if you were having a small wedding and they didn’t get invited. Fiance didn’t get invited to his friend’s wedding last year, but the bride was only allowed to invite like, 10 friends so it was completely understandable. I think if this girl is going to think you’re “uncool” for not inviting her to your wedding, then that’s very immature. Why would you want to be friends with someone who would be so petty?
There’s nothing wrong with being very upfront and honest about the fact that you are having a very small wedding with only family and close friends. I think that MOST people hearing that would completely understand if you weren’t able to invite them.
Post # 5
I invited about 40 people, and we just told others that as much as we love them and while we wish that they would be able to come, we just couldn’t invite everybody that we wanted to. People seemed to understand this.
Post # 6
Well, I don’t think that its the guest’s job to find out – it’s your job to tell them. We were very careful to broadcast the fact that it’s a small wedding to everyone and anyone. Even if you just talk to the person occasionally, you can slip in the fact that it’s a small wedding when you’re already discussing the topic. This is easiest the very first time they ask you about it (When, Where, etc) But even if you missed that window of opportunity, any wedding-related comment from the non-invitee can be your cue. “How’s wedding planning going?” “Not too stressful, actually – I’m glad we decided to keep it very small because that definitely makes it more manageable”
Post # 7
I think with any wedding you are going to come across an acquaintance that ‘feels’ they are closer to you than you feel you are with them. That’s just the reality of it. However, the fact that you don’t really want her at your wedding should speak volumes to the reality of your relationship with her. If you decide not to invite her, and you don’t really see her all that often, you won’t get the opportunity to drop into conversation that you are having a small wedding/you wish you could invite everyone, but are limited on budget, etc. And, if she really wants to hold a grudge, there is nothing you can do about it. Just keep it simple.
I just talked to a distant cousin who is getting married before me. He said he wished he could invite everyone, but they are keeping it small. I’m inviting him to my wedding and totally understand where he is coming from. I know we are not close and because of that would not expect to be invited. And, even if we were, you have to take what the person says at their word. How the uninvited people handle this information is up to them and totally out of your control.
Good luck! (it does get easier the more times you have to do it!)
Post # 8
Thank you everyone for the suggestions & relating your own experiences.
I guess my concern is because I don’t really talk to this girl lately (I don’t talk to most of my friends much….although to me, that doesn’t really make us less of friends), and I know she has the tendency to make up her mind about stuff and not ask/talk about it, I figure she will most likely 3rd or 4th hand find out about the fact that I got married (although none of the people that I AM inviting still talk to her!), and then be mad that she wasn’t invited and mentally cross me off of her friends list without ever getting a chance to explain.
I do (oddly enough) still talk to her on again/off again boyfriend on gchat every once in a while, so perhaps I could mention something to him? Although I don’t know how the message would get through to her, even if I told him we were having a small wedding, I would have to say “so unfortunately we can’t invite X” in order for the message to get to her. I could potentially see her being more offended at that b/c she finds out from her Boyfriend or Best Friend that she’s not invited. She’s a very prideful person, and part of the problem between us is that I have no idea what is going to set her off & what she will find to be an “affront”, but I feel like perhaps this would.
Right now, I would have to go OUT OF MY WAY to talk to her after not talking for months, and then just “causally drop” the fact that my wedding is small. I think its a good idea to tell her, but since we don’t normally talk right now, it’s hard to think about how to broach the subject.
I COULD always just invite her, but she most likely won’t come (she’s also a 2nd year associate across the country from where our wedding will be, so work is almost always a valid excuse) since she just no-showed at another friend’s wedding, but I really don’t want to start relying on people NOT showing up b.c you really never know.
Post # 9
We are also having a small(ish) wedding with about 120 of our closest family members and a few friends. I know that doesn’t sound small, but we consider it small because there are so many people who we could not invite. I know that some feel snubbed and forgotten, but a lot have just asked or hinted at asking, ie, “So you did set a date? Have invitations gone out? Oh….realllly?” And then I just politely tell them what Maisymay said, As much as we love them and wish they could be there, we simply could not invite everyone who we wanted to so we are having a close family ceremony and reception. I think that she would understand if she knew you were having a small wedding, as far as how she would know that, if you did ever talk to her, it would come up casually or do you have mutual friends that could drop it in to a convo?