Post # 1
My fiance and I are getting married in sort of a destination-style way. Every single person, us & our families included, live at least 2.5 hours away from the town where the ceremony and reception will be at. Most people live many states away.
We really want our wedding to be a family & friends only intimate affair. I am not keen on the idea of walking down the aisle and seeing a bunch of people there that I don’t know. I am also not keen on paying extra money to feed guests of guests that we don’t even know, especially when, on this special day, we really want to just be surrounded by the people we are closest to.
The problem is that in this day and age, some people just naturally assume that if they are single, that they can bring a guest along to any function they are invited to. We are still a good 6 months away from sending out wedding invitations, but I already have friends who invited guests of their own, when we weren’t planning on giving any +1’s (unless they have been dating the other person seriously or whatever).
Is it super rude to not give +1’s? How do we inform people on our website and such of this decision in the nicest way possible? How should we deal with friends and others who have already invited a guest of their own when we weren’t planning on +1’s without hurting or embarrassing them?
Post # 3
I think it’s nice to let people bring a date if they have to travel for the wedding… if at all possible. If you really don’t want to allow it, you’ll have to gently correct people when they bring it up in conversation, or call people and let them know “no guest” if they send in the RSVP card marked for 2.
Post # 4
On my invites I am using wording like: “We have reserved __ seats in your honour”.
Post # 5
It’s not rude at all, and there are a number of ways to make it clear in the invitations who it is that you’re inviting.
The inner envelope should list the invitee only, unless s/he is permitted a guest. Ex: Mr. James Smith or Mr. James Smith and Guest or Mr. James Smith and Ms. Willa Cather (unmarried and living together).
The reply card can specify how many seats are “reserved in your honor” – which is pretty blunt, but very effective.
Post # 6
I wish I had asked this before I sent mine out! I just didn’t include “ang guest” and now I’ve had at least 4 people include someone else in their response. Ugh!
Post # 7
Hmmm, our wedding is about 3 hours from most of our guests too. We’re allowing some people to have a +1. Its probably really tacky but we’re using our discretion. For instance, if one of our friends or family is very much single AND knows several other people at the wedding, they aren’t getting a +1. However, if we’ve invited a friend that is single and doesn’t know a soul at the wedding, we’re allowing them a +1, simply because its not fair to expect them to come alone and possible not have anyone to chat with. There’s really no tactful, direct way that we’ve come up with to let our guests know that they’re not allowed a +1, other than the fact that we’ll be putting either “their name + guest”, “their name + their SO’s name” or “just their name”. You’d think that is obvious but I bet we’ll have some awkward convo’s. Oh well! I feel ya on this, I don’t want to pay for or have to be friendly with lots of strangers on my wedding day, but I think you might have to compromise just a little bit.
Post # 8
On the RSVP things write we have reserved __ seat(s) in your honor and then put the number of people. So if you’re sending to a friend with NO +1 you put a 1 in there. Also make sure it’s just their name on the envelope.
However I think with older relatives it’s usually nicer to give them a +1… something to think about. We decided on no +1’s but a few of our aunts are single, but older, and I think would feel more comfortable bringing a date.
Post # 9
I’m in the same situation as you and I’m going to be using the “we have reserved ___ seats in your honor” approach. We aren’t using hard and fast rules about who is getting tham and who isn’t. Fiance pretty much gave all his single friends a guest but I’m not doing that because I had more people I wanted to invite than I had room for. They pretty much all know each other (the two that don’t are getting +1s). With the exception of one person in a serious relationship (whose Boyfriend or Best Friend is a piece of shit and is abusive to her and is not invited NO WAY NO HOW), everyone else is invited with their long-term bf/gf. If they are single as of right now when I’ve finalized my guest list, sorry – no date. There’s just no room and they’ll have to just come and have fun with the friends they’ve had for years or stay home with the bf/gf they’ve known for five seconds.
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2010 - Orange County Performing Arts Center
Others have mentioned the idea of putting the number on the reply card which is effective. If you are doing your RSVP’s online, Wedding Wire lets you set up your guest list online. When your guest goes on the site to RSVP, they type in their name and their entire party appears…meaning, if they are the only ones invited, they can only RSVP for themself. Good luck!
Post # 11
I don’t think it is rude at all. We made the rule that if they are not living together or have not been together for a year, they are not included.
Since many of our guests will not be up to date on the etiquette and subtle hints – we’re going with a clear message. On our RSVP cards (we’re printing on gocco) We will something to the effect of
_____Invited ______ Attending
I have pretty stamps of numbers that I will use to fill in the blank for # invited.
We really can’t afford to have people adding their +1, so this was the clearest way we could come up with.
Post # 12
Hi. It is not rude at all to not include +1!! All these ideas are wonderful. It is proper etiquette to list on the envelope who is invited. I.e. Miss momma. That means only 1. I would suggest if you know the name of the ‘guest’ to NOT say Miss Momma and Guest; but to say Miss Momma and Mr. Papa. That way if they break up, she knows she can’t fill in the blank with whomsoever she pleases. Or, you can mail Miss Momma and Mr. Papa separate invitations if you have extra.
To those people who have people add ‘and guest’, you need to have his mother or him [if it’s his side] and you will have to call your side and explain, “I am so sorry for the misunderstanding. We need to limit the size of our wedding reception [due to fire laws which only permit 150 people — hey it may be the truth] [due to budget -hey we know that’s true] [because we told his side of the family they can’t bring a guest and it would be awkward if my side did….] [becasue some people on his side asked and we had to say no due to space constraints and it wouldn’t be fair if we allowed our side to bring guests.] I hope this doesn’t change your plans.
If it does change their plans, then that’s life. They couldn’t be that important if they miss your wedding because you won’t let them bring a security blanket with them.
This is such a problem now a days. You are NOT alone.
Post # 13
Would you want to travel 3 hours or possibly longer and drive all the way to another state and back by yourself? My good friend did that for a non plus one wedding, and said it was a terrible experience. Especially for a woman travelling alone. IMO, if you are having people come great lengths to your wedding you should offer them the courtesy of a companion.
Post # 14
I don’t think it’s rude to not offer +1s. Especially if most of your guests know one another. They can carpool together or get hotel rooms together, which is what I would do if I was a single gal being invited to a wedding that had a long drive associated with it.
However, if you have a few guests who are “outlayers” meaning that they wouldn’t know anyone else there other than you or Fiance, you might consider allowing a +1. No one is going to know that THAT person got a +1 and they didn’t. We’re doing this for a couple of individuals but we’re certainly not making that public knowledge 🙂