(Closed) How do people explain this clearly?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@MariaW:  

If you want to break up with him, break up with him! I think you can just say something like, “It’s not working out.” If you don’t bring up marriage and proposals while you are breaking up with him, he probably won’t think he should run out, buy a ring, and chase you down. If your whole breakup speech is about how he hasn’t proposed yet, and you want time to find a husband, I think that could be misleading.

Life is not like the movies; plenty of people break up and don’t have dramatic reunion proposals! I think most proposals actually come from couples who are happily in love, not ones with fake drama made for the screen.

Post # 4
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MariaW:  I think you have the gist down already.  You just say “Honey, I love you and you love me, but our priorities are not the same.  I want to move forward with my life and have a partner that is eager to get to the next step with me.  I wish you all the best, but for my own sake I have to move on so that I don’t give up on my hopes and dreams or become bitter and angry because you aren’t on the same page as me.  It isn’t fair to you and it isn’t fair to me.”

That way the convo isnt so much about having a baby and wedding timeline, but just different values and goals.  And it gets across that you wish this man WAS ready and willing, but that since he isn’t you’ll have to move on to find your own happiness.  It’s almost a “no hard feelings” type of vibe because someone CAN’T force themselves to be ready for marriage.  You should only be angry if someone it knowingly stringing you along.

Post # 5
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee

I just said that we clearly want different things in life and I need to be on my own so that I can focus on me and becoming happy again.

Post # 6
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MariaW:  You have the perfect explanation. You have to base your whole future on where you live, and whether you will marry him since you are long distance. You just want to make some decisions.

Post # 9
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MariaW:  No problem, I wish you all the best with whatever you choose! This year has been a “lucky” one for my group of friends – tons of engagements all around.  What I’ve noticed as a pattern is that each one dated a guy that was pro marriage and interested in settling down soon, right from the start of the relationship! 

I know your gut isn’t telling you one thing either way….but I know you want to be married and you want commitment and you’ve put in some time already in this relationship.  I think you should give a general timeline to your guy and then stick to it.  I’m pushing this because I dated two guys in the past for a few years each – both of them said they would want marriage “eventually” but thats as far as things would go.  The day to day relationship seemed fine so I felt wrong to make a big fuss and walk away, hoping that as time went on they would get into the marriage mode (mostly because we were in our earlier 20’s so I hoped it was immaturity holding them back).  Niether guy changed his mind and we broke up for different reasons – but one of them quickly married the next girl he dated!!!! 

If your guy is 30 and above – you should set the timeline.  He’ll shape up quick or you’ll have your answer, that he was a great boyfriend but not the right one to make a life with.  I like that he is willing to go to counseling, but I think you deserve a man that doesn’t need counseling to realize how wonderful you are and that he wants to publicly proclaim his love and commitment to you (via a wedding).  I know that what I’m saying is easier said than done – I didn’t have the guts to tell my ex guys anything about a timeline. BUT! I did tell my Fiance when we first started dating that I wanted a serious commitment sooner rather than later and he was fully on board with that!

I’m writing a novel here (sorry!) but seriously, three of my friends and myself included had breakups in recent years that seemed devastating at the time (wondering if we’d ever find love again, vowing to take time off and be single, etc) and we all met our current soon-to-be-spouses within a month or two of being single.  It was amazing how it worked out and we all keep saying how lucky we were that the last relationships ended when they did.  Short answer = you will be fine!

Keep us all updated here, I am keeping my fingers crossed for you!

Post # 11
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MariaW:  For breakups I usually would do yoga and go to the gym to fill up time and avoid looking at my phone or old pictures.  I scheduled a bunch of massages too to treat myself and also for a little “human touch.”  And I let myself wallow for the first week (but only the first week!) with sad movies and lots of wine.  I read that book “It’s called a breakup because it’s broken” a long time ago and that also helped.  I journal a lot too – it helps to realize that after a breakup you are going to think back on all the good times (“remember that time he did x, y and z?” “how he said he loved me?” etc) and you wont think of the bad bits (“remember how he refused to marry me?” “how I never met his friends” “how he wouldn’t let me pick what movie to watch” etc).  So I’d read through my journal and remind myself there was a reason to not be together anymore.  Honestly that helped a bunch and I would feel pretty good about everything within a month or two max – knowing there was something better out there for me and that I was now free to find it!

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