Post # 1
I am wondering how relationships change after a baby. I am hoping that if they are luke-warm that they will improve, but with certain relationships I don’t know if even a baby will help. I have posted about my brother in law’s wife before because I have consistently struggled with her since before DH and I were married. Currently she is given me the silent treatment, like won’t even acknowledge my existence at all. We go to the same yoga studio, and there’s never a hello/goodbye; she makes a conscious effort to wait until I leave, so that she doesn’t have to run into me, and she makes sure to place her mat as far away from me as possible. I don’t think I have done anything to her. She found out that I am pregant, and never congratulated DH or myself. In fact, she seems to grimace everytime the pregnancy is brought up. What makes this situation worse, is that she is DH’s TWIN brother’s wife, so it is really difficult for DH. He doesn’t understand why the “two of us” hate each other so much. Honestly, I have tried to build a relationship with her, and it has gone nowhere. DH admits that she treats me like shit, but feels that things must be worked out for the sake of the baby. I don’t want her anywhere near the baby. My feeling is that if she can’t respect me and be civil, then she doesn’t get to have a relationship with my child. DH feels differently, and I get that, but I don’t know what to do. . . Words of wisdom would be appreciated. Also, any insight to the question in general would be great. Thanks!
Post # 4
@nantes14: My first question is…does she have kids? Did she lose a child? Is there any part of this pregnancy that she could resent or feel upset about?
Since she will be an aunt it is unfair to keep your child from her because of your feelings toward her. Do not punish the child that way. I can think of a few people I’d be happy to cut out of my future baby’s life, but I know it won’t be for the benefit of my child.
That being said, babies don’t fix issues, whether it be with DH, family, friends, etc. Yes, she may coo and aww when the baby is born, but it may not change her feelings about you.
I would try to talk to her. If you cannot, it may be time for an intervention. Perhaps you, your DH, and his brother can all sit down with her and figure out what is going on. Nobody just hates you out of the blue for no reason. She must have a reason, and you may not be aware of her sensitivity to something you may have said with the best of intentions. Who knows…unless you get to talk to her somehow.
If she refuses to meet and refuses to mend the relationship with you, there is nothing you can do. Your DH needs to help you out with this instead of just telling you to mend it. Ask him to be there for support and be very calm and nice when you talk to her. You can say something to the effect of, “I would really like to work through any concerns that we have ever had together so we can create a better relationship when we are around *baby*.”
Again, if she refuses to talk to you, that is on her, and she can go on with that attitude. I still would no withhold allowing her to be a part of the her little neice/nephew’s life though. And her atttitude towards baby could change, and if it does, perhaps your relationship will change too, but I wouldn’t hold your breath.
Post # 5
@nantes14: I know it’s cliche, but ignore it. If she’s around when baby is around and she wants to hold him/her, then fine, but I wouldn’t go out of your way to include her in the baby’s life. If she’s a nasty person, I don’t see how her presence will benefit your child. Again, I wouldn’t go out of my way to avoid her, but I wouldn’t make a special trip to include her in your life.
Post # 6
@nantes14: I’m all for family harmony but I’m not going to eat someone’s shit and beg for more. If I were you, I’d leave her to her petty crap and ignore it. At family functions, be civil and polite but otherwise leave her to stew in her own bile. One person can’t force a happy, healthy relationship with another individual who doesnt want it. Tell your husband that. Then tell him that you will remain open to improving the relationship but while she remains pointedly rude, that’s as much as you can do.
What kind of relationship does he want this woman to have with your kid? If they interact at family functions, okay, fine. If he expects you to hand over your kid for unsupervised visits, that would be a hard no.
Post # 7
I would drop it back to DH. It’s his brother’s wife. It’s weird to ask the in-laws to mediate themselves. They have the stronger relationship.
Post # 8
Personally I would have the two husbands talk. Have your husband ask his brother why his wife seems to have a problem with you. I hope this can be worked out! My first reaction is that maybe she can’t get pregnant??? Idk…