How do we make it work with little in common?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1307 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

you have to find common insterests or reconsider. “opposites attract” is cute and fun and entertaining for a couple years but if you have absolutely nothing in common, itʻs just gonna be annoying and you may end up leading separate lives. if that works for you then great. For me, it contributed to my first divorce as well as the end of my SOʻs prior 6yr relationship.

Post # 17
Member
7918 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Having similar goals is more important than sharing hobbies. The conversation was awkward with Darling Husband the first few times we went out, but it got better. Even if you’re not having deep conversations with your Boyfriend or Best Friend, surely there are things you’re learning about him and that he’s learning about you. That said, don’t feel obligated to stay with him just because he’s not an abuser like your previous partner. You deserve a good person that’s also compatible with you. 

Post # 18
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

waitingforstripes :  I think if you’re struggling to have things to talk about on a regular basis and it’s causing awkwardness or you’re just not feeling that much of a connection, then that is a problem, yes. But your post led me to believe that this is more an issue of your social anxiety and unfamiliarity with a new person. You said: “When I’m with him we will talk about nothing really, just day to day life, sharing past stories, the basic stuff.” To me, this sounds totally normal. You don’t have to be having deep conversations all the time or gushing about a shared interest to be enjoying each other’s company. I think your social anxiety and low self esteem may be getting the better of you and making you think that you’re boring if you’re not being the world’s best conversationalist. He’s clearly interested in you, so you’re interesting enough as you are – you don’t have to be turning on the charm and striking up a fabulous dialogue 24/7. As you get to know each other better that anxiety will hopefully ease up and you’ll feel more comfortable and secure in just being you. 

I also want to distinguish between not having a ton of common interests and not enjoying spending time together or finding common ground in shared activities. While I say that Fiance and I don’t have a ton in common on paper, that’s not to say that we don’t enjoy doing plenty of things together. Like, we might enjoy reading different types of books, but we both enjoy reading and often read together on lazy afternoons. I’m more of a film buff than he is, but he’s happy to let me pick the movies most of the time and we usually end up enjoying similar films. We both enjoy standup shows so we’ll try to go to those together regularly. We like going for walks together, playing board games, or Netflix marathons. None of those things necessarily revolves around our outside “hobbies” or interests, but there is plenty that we enjoy doing together. And we’re both open to finding new things that we can do together, like taking a dance or cooking class together. I think if you’re both willing and interested in finding things you both like to do, then not coming to the relationship with everything in common shouldn’t be an obstacle. 

Post # 19
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I’m confused as to how you know you’re so into him when you have a hard time talking with him?

To me that seems more incompatible than anything. I don’t think it should be that hard or forced.

Post # 20
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee

“Birds of a feather flock together.” I would think you would have MORE to talk about if you have different interests. “I don’t like that,” especially in the context of a relationship, should not have a between the line meaning of, “I am uninterested so let’s shut this conversation down and talk about something else.” It should mean, “This is something I’ve never had an interest in before…but you should tell me the reasons you love doing it, tell me all about the last time you did it, and explain it further to me so maybe I can understand better.” Also, the reality of a new relationship usually means starting new hobbies/places to go together that neither of you have done before. 

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