(Closed) How do we stop his ex-girlfriend from coming to family functions?

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Your Fiance has to tell her to stop coming around and to leave the two of you alone. He has to make it clear that she is cut out completely. If you do anything to this extent, you better believe it will just encourage her to fight harder, it has to be your Fiance.

I had this same problem years ago with DH, although his EX wasn’t so well ingrained with his family. I resolved the situation by making DH tell her that she was cut out for good, which she didn’t take well but 3 years later she has still left us alone.

Post # 17
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Wow, I am so sorry to hear this. I think that you both should leave family events whenever she shows up. I think this will really speed up the process of people not inviting her or letting her in. They would owe it to your Fiance to have him come to their events rather than a psycho ex.

If you directly ask them to not invite this girl, it will more than likely backfire. They can tell her this: “You know we’d love to have you over for the party but it’s just so that ‘shesaidalbino’ has restricted us from doing that. And you know she’s marrying our son/nephew, etc. So I have to do this, not that I want to. I hope you understand.”

So they’ll covet a spot in her good books and also in their own conscience. But this will inadvertently open the doors to BIG SHIT for you. Because now the ex will know that her presence royally bothers you. And she will make sure that she continues to get worse with you in the hopes that one day you will eventually leave or your life with Fiance will become a living hell.

Sorry to put such a damper on you but that is how psychotic she seems like to me. And the way you can handle it is just by rearranging your own actions, rather than restricting hers. Do not even think about small talk with her. If she was that smart, she wouldn’t be following your Fiance around like a needy puppy.

Post # 18
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Wow she sounds crazy and really needs to let go. Has she dated anyone else since FI?

 

Post # 19
Member
7298 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Is he talking to her? No. Then you shouldn’t worry about it. If his family wants to continue to talk to her then that’s their choice. As long as he isn’t calling her or going out of his way to socialize then there isn’t a problem.

I was with an ex for 2 years and conitnued to talk to his mother for about a year after. Even after he started to date someone else. We just had a close relationship. We never talked about my ex and his mom never talked to him about me.

She seems like a sad girl because it’s not just coming around to family events. She is actually bothering you and that’s sad.

Post # 20
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I think jumping to the restraining order is a bit much at this point.  You said you haven’t seen or heard from her in years.  Yeah it’s really weird she went to the funeral but I’m assuming someone invited her to it (how else did she know) and no one asked her to leave.

I don’t think I would make an issue at all unless she shows up to something else.  Then have a talk with whoever keeps inviting her.  Or her if she’s inviting herself. 

Post # 21
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

View original reply
@Miss Tattoo: when i read your reply…about two sentences in I had to laugh, thinking “…she’s totally friend with her ex’s mom” BINGO…you were. 

 

@OP I personally would beat that girl’s ass. But hey, that’s just me. 

 

All joking aside (or am I?), i’d never put up with anything that made me uncomfortable. Either she has to go, or I’m out of there. Especially if I have been disrespected, I’m about to get married, and I’m planning to have children with that man. It really depends on who YOU are, doesn’t it? Some women are fine with it and just get along. Other women? Not so much. It’s up to you what you think is best. I think a restraining order is a bit hasty and won’t accomplish what you’re going for. 

 

I think Mr. Hubby To Be has some manning up to do. My mom tries to pull this shit with my brother’s exes and almost tried it once (many years ago) with one of my own. I cursed both her, and my ex out. Problem solved. 

And no, I’m not ghetto. I just mean what the f* i say! 🙂

 

Good luck!! 

Post # 23
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@mrslovebug75: I agreed with moderndaisy and Bostongrl25 – Your fiancé needs to call this girl and talk with her directly because, you see, it is only because of his prior relationship with her that she is even around, right? So it is his connection to her, and vice versa, that needs to be addressed and subsequently, sharply cut. He might even consider a letter via certified mail with signature approval from her upon receipt, this way there is something concrete and tangible and more difficult to ignore than a phone call. He does not need to talk to his mom about it, or anyone else in the family about it because that would imply that he needs permission to do so, and that is just not the case here. He is a man and needs to be accountable for his prior relationship, and stand up for his current relationship with you. He needs to address HER. He must clearly tell her from HIS perspective, NOT YOURS, that HE is not OK with her being around anymore. He must tell her in no uncertain terms that she is no longer welcome at any family functions whatsoever, and, that if she shows up beyond this request, he will be forced to call the police to peacefully escort her away. This is not a debate, this is not a discussion, this is a request and that is all there is to it. He then says thank you, and hangs up. The. End. Her showing up at the home with her friends and loudly screaming profanity and your name in the middle of the night, among other things I’m sure she’s pulled, is indeed, disturbing the peace. So I don’t think it would be too outlandish to say the police would be called should she arrive on the scene.

As for the family embracing her during the funeral, don’t get too worried about that. They were probably just being kind and gracious that she was there to pay respects and that’s all they were really in a position to receive at that point.

Good luck!

Post # 24
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
@Talishazwi: Agreed. She hasn’t done anything to merit a restraining order – i.e., repeated harrassment. Showing up at the funeral doesn’t count, since she didn’t bother you at all. Do you have reason to think she’s going to make regular appearances at holidays, weddings, etc.? 

I agree with everyone else, though, that the best plan of action is not to make a big deal out of anything, but simply to leave when she shows up.

Post # 25
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2000

I totally agee with Talishazwi . You said it’s been 2-3 yrs since she showed up for any family functions. I don’t think a funeral counts. She may well have just been there to pay her respects.

If she starts showing up to family functions again, then your fiance needs to say something, but once in 2-3 yrs isn’t enough to warrant any action….especially since that one time was for a funeral.

 

Post # 26
Member
7298 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@Diz: lol it’s not like we hanging out. She would call at first and say how much she missed me and I told her that if we were going to talk then we would need to set some guidelines. I was in no way trying to get back with him and I didn’t want her to try and convince either of us. Sometimes it’s hard when you break up. Sometimes you break up with one person or sometimes you break up with a family. I mean, if I was trying to show up at family reunions and what not, I’d be crazy. If she passed away, I would like to go pay my respects to her.

Post # 27
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

If this is the extent of her involvement in your life, I think you should try to let it go.  Realistically, I don’t think it’s fair to expect your in-laws to ice her out at a family funeral, and it doesn’t sound like this is a constant issue.  Thank goodness, because she sounds like a pathetic skank.

I do *not* think your fiance should contact her – because that’s probably just what she wants.  If she knows she’ll be rewarded for bothering you guys, she’ll keep doing it.  For now, try and concentrate on what you have – a great fiance and a wonderful future!  And, best of all… she totally doesn’t!

Post # 28
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with PP’s that you shouldn’t jump the gun and have Fiance talk to her yet. She may end up fading back into the woodwork. However, if she starts popping up again, I’d figure out who is inviting her to these functions and have your Fiance talk to them first. He can always take responsibility and say that she makes him uncomfortable or that he just doesn’t want her in his life anymore. It doesn’t have to come down on you.

Post # 29
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

She showed up at a funeral to pay her respects to someone that she knew and everyone else there accepted her presence.  You really can’t be mad about that.  It’s not like she’s constantly showing up to things.  She is definitely a wacko and I understand why you wouldn’t want to be around her but honestly you can’t tell his family that they aren’t allowed to have a relationship with her.  Just be the bigger person and don’t let it bother you.  As long as your fiance doesn’t still have a relationship with her then there’s nothing to worry about.

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