Post # 1
I was wondering if any of you feel sad about not having In-laws that love you? In all my relationships, and I mean ALL, my boyfriends’ parents loved me. I still get cards/Xmas greetings from some of them. I spent Thanksgiving 2010 with an ex’s family because my family was on vacation. Those relationships didn’t work, and now I’ve found my soul mate. He told me that his parents will probably never like me, even though Future Mother-In-Law is always polite to me to my face. Poor Future Mother-In-Law wants to like me, but is afraid of getting flack from Future Father-In-Law. FFIL refuses to acknowledge my presence. If I say hi, or ask if he needs help moving something. I watched him struggle to carry a bookcase and he ignored my offer to help. He also ignored my son when my son introduced himself. Yeah, what a charming fellow .
I get that it’s not me, and that I am a kind and loving person. I am no longer trying to win them over. I am able to be in the same room with them and I feel relaxed knowing that I did everything I could. THAT has been working well for me. I think on a generic level, I am just a little sad that I don’t have a Mother-In-Law that I can help prepare meals with, shop with, etc. Her only daughter lives 700 miles away. She is always saying she needs a Nutritionist, which is what I do. She paints pictures and gardens… 2 hobbies I just took up recently. I LOVE her artwork and I’m taking a watercolor class now. I feel sad that I can’t share that with her. I also killed half my veggies because I have a black thumb. But I have 4 gigantic compost piles that would restore half the soil in China. I just want to share these thing with someone! My own mom is awesome, but she smokes, drinks, curses and is a die-hard businesswoman. You can’t get her alone for 5 minutes to “chat”.
Probalby feeling sorry for myself! lol
Anyone have advice on how to cope with this perceived “loss”?
Post # 3
@Mrs. Harmony: this sounds exactly like how my grandfather used to treat my uncle’s (fairly new) wife. for some reason that no one is sure of, he has recently changed and started to ackowledge her existance. anyway, if it seems like your Mother-In-Law would be willing, do you think maybe you could invite her over by herself?
Post # 4
Awful situation, I’m sorry.
It it you, or your Fiance, with whom your Future Father-In-Law has a problem (if you don’t mind me asking?)
Post # 5
Maybe if your Future Mother-In-Law would actually spend time with you, and relay things to Future Father-In-Law, then he woudl come around as well? I mean, what’s the worst he can do to her if she decides that she wants to pursue a friendship with you?
Post # 6
@Ivorybuttons: It’s mostly me, because I have “bad” DNA for having an autistic child. Future Father-In-Law hates anyone who is black, gay, obese, disabled, unattractive, unintelligent, you get the idea. If you aren’t a white, upper-class, Republican gun-owning homophobe, you aren’t good enough. Hint: my FSIL’s fiancee won him over by bragging about all the bar fights he got into. FFIL high-fived him when hearing about how FSIL’s fiancee broke a guys nose. Pleasant. However, he’s a bully to my SO. He makes snide comments about how SO spends too much time with me. Um, he’s 28? And this was literally an hour after SO found out he has to go through chemotherapy and was in the worst of moods from learning this.
@MrsSl82be: I thought this could work, but SO thinks that Future Father-In-Law would hate me more if Future Mother-In-Law “liked” me. He’s possessive and abusive. FMIL just takes it, unfortunately. The only time Future Mother-In-Law was every physically abused by Future Father-In-Law was when she tried to defend her kids. She has not “disagreed” with him in 8+ years since the incident.
I feel sorry for people in this situation when I see how happy SO and I are together. I can’t imagine spending 30 years with someone who is a total prick.
Post # 7
Sorry you’re going through this. My Future Father-In-Law does not like me and is still on the fence about going to our wedding. We’ve heard if he does come he will not be giving a speech. As in your situation there is something about me that is not “right”- in my case everyone tells me it’s because I’m not his religion. It’s taken me a long time to get to your point-I’m a good person and I’ve done all I can. Now, I just try and be pleasant and realize that it is he who looks bad and in the wrong, since everyone else in the family (FMIL now is coming around to me, too, but she was like your Future Mother-In-Law for a while there) loves me and supports us.
I mainly feel bad for my fiance now as I think it’s so crappy his dad has tried to make it a me against him kind of situation. I’ve never asked my fiance to choose, his dad has, and my fiance chose me so it makes his dad look even jerkier.
Anyway, I don’t have any advice to offer, just wanted to share there are (lots) others in your shoes.
Post # 8
She sounds nice, I think you should feel fortunate she is not a monster, actively trying to sabotage or guilt you into anything. Basically you could do much worse!
Post # 9
It sucks but it sounds like it’s something you can’t change. In your shoes, I would just try to forget it and not spend a lot of time with them. It sounds like Future Father-In-Law isn’t very nice to your SO either, so why make the effort to spend time with them? FMIL has made her decision. She’s an adult and that’s her deal.
Instead of longing for a mother figure, try making friends who you can share these things with. I don’t live near my family or Mr’s family and while I love all of them, I’m not really super close with anyone. But I do have the very best friends a woman could have. Friends are family that you choose.
Post # 10
I thought my FI’s family was always going to hate me and it made me sad, but I figured that as long as I didn’t pit my Fiance against his family, it wouldn’t affect our relationship.
Eventually, I spent more time with them and they seem to like me now! But if they didn’t, I still know they must have done something right to produce Fiance and that he chose me. It’d be sad, but if they don’t want me in their family (especially if it was because I had faulty genes for having an autistic child…EXCUSE ME?) it’d be no skin off my back. They’d be the ones missing out.
Post # 11
it sucks that they don’t like you for whatever reason…but you’re an adult. you’ll figure it out. as for your son? he’s the one you need to worry about. who gives a flip about your future will or will be in laws. they’re jerks. hug your son and stop worrying about these people.
Post # 12
wow sadly this sounds similar to my fmil situation… no one is good enough for her only child. SO says it’s not just me, as though that justifies it lol. She’s nice to my face but has said some nasty things behind my back, and has forbidden me from going over her house. I guess the distance is what is helping me cope, but I don’t know what our future wedding will bring up lol but You’re right, you’ve done all you can and it isn’t you it’s them
Post # 13
I’m in a very similar situation. I’ve done all I can and they still hate me. I’ve just decided that it’s their loss. They would have hated any girl he married and, by hating me, they’re driving away their only son.
It isn’t always easy (and I always have to be the bigger person which SUCKS) but I know I’ve won.
Post # 14
I remember some of your earlier posts, and I actually am amazed that you would allow your child to be raised in such an environment. No way in hell would I keep my kid around people like that, even if it meant I walked away from my SO
Post # 15
@MrsSl82be: I agree. Poor kid 🙁
Post # 16
How does your Fiance react this? Honestly, my husband would not put up with Father-In-Law treating me with such disrespect.