(Closed) How do you and your SO argue?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

We tend to bicker over little things, if it escalates then I usually leave the room to remove myself (I get wound up really easy, Darling Husband doesn’t), then go back in when I’ve calmed down. After a few minutes we’ll be back to normal, distracted by something else, or have a hug.

Post # 3
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Similar to hazelbee, we start bickering. If we start really getting pissed off, we’ll walk away, take some time to cool down, then come back and talk it out.

Post # 4
Member
10068 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

We really don’t argue arugue. We might bicker but even then its minimal and literally less than two minutes. We’re both pretty hard headed so we’ve figured out neither one of us will ever change our minds if we think we’re right so we might as well not waste time trying to get the other person to do so.

Post # 7
Member
9989 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

What your SO is doing is commonly known as stonewalling.  It’s tough being in a relationship with a stonewaller because communication, at least healthy communication, is low on their list of life skills.

When my husband and I get crabby with each other, on the rare occasion we do, it seems one or the other of us will suddenly realize we’re hungry.  We say, “Let’s eat something good right now,” basically.  And then we’re back to being good again.  We really don’t argue too much because we agree on almost everything and neither of us likes the other one to be upset in any way.  We’re very similar in our views about almost everything, though.  We have each other’s backs.  And we laugh a lot.

Post # 8
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I could’ve written this exact post three years ago. What I’ve learned over time is that I would get overly emotional during arguments and demand answers/ basically not let us move on with our day until the matter was settled. As you can imagine this just escalated things. Darling Husband and I have both learned that we argue far less and reach a resolution much faster and easier when I am more patient with him. The reason he would shut down is because I demanded a resolution when he just really didn’t have one….so allowing him some time to think and for us to both go to other things or even something else together really helped us both gain some perspective and react in a different way than we would have if we’d kept the pressure on and sat and argued back and forth without pause.

 

He’s not the most romantic or touchy feely and I used to get upset when he wouldn’t comfort me when I cried as well (only when we were fighting). He said he just didn’t know how to approach me and thought since I was mad at him I wouldn’t want him to touch me. In my case I had to be very clear and tell him what I wanted. 

 

I know I blew things out of proportion during our arguments and I’m not saying you are. But all I can offer is my own experience and I noticed a dramatic decrease in our fights when I became more laid back and didn’t nitpick every little thing. Sometimes we even forget we were fighting and just move on with our day, because I’m able to let things go now unless it’s something serious.

 

I don’t mean for this to sound like it was all my fault and that I needed to change and he didn’t have to change at all. But in our case I do feel like it was really me who could make the difference in this area of our relationship. He has a hard time talking about feelings and opening up and me putting that pressure on him made things worse and not better. Once I got less forceful he relaxed and is much better at communicating now.

Post # 9
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

futuremrss17:  I’m also with a stonewaller. Never been with someone like this before him, and it’s way more annoying than any other types I’ve dealt with before. His shut down makes me 100% times more angry than I was abotu the orginal thing we’re arguing about. Sucks. 

Post # 12
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

We almost never argue, and a big portion of that we both stay calm —DH especially is an expert at staying calm. If I do notice myself getting emotional, however, I’ll verbalize it and that helps a lot. We’ll take a breather and acknowledge that our goal is for both of us to be happy, so we can pretty easily get grounded when issues arise. If you can get out of the emotional/defensive cycle and remember that the goal is the betterment of your relationship (in the grand scheme of things), it’s pretty easy to set ego aside and figure out a solution.

Post # 13
Member
255 posts
Helper bee

futuremrss17:  Fiance and I are two hard head people who see things in different lights. We see it the same way, but we have different ways of approching it. I’m more fast paced he’s laid back we annoy each other at times. Especially with wedding planning. So, basically I am like you I want a resolution now meanwhile he’d rather not fight about things and puts up that stone wall. He’s getting better with talking to me about stuff and for that I’m greatful. I have learned I am very hot headed as well as hard headed so when I see the argument is progressing I leave the room, or I go for a walk. Because I did have the tendancy to say things I didn’t mean. Sometimes people handle situations differently and approch may have a lot to do with him shutting you out ( at least thats what my Fiance told me) now I try to approch problems slowly like he’d understand and it helps minumize those BIG arguments into small ones.

Post # 14
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

We don’t really argue much. There is light bickering sometimes, but it’s almost always something silly and one of us will turn it into a joke or I’ll just go “ahhh you’re such a buttface!” or he’ll start purposefully trolling (i.e. “nope, I’m right and you’re wrong, and actually we should not only NOT go to the movie theater, but I’m going to go there and protest against the very idea of theaters!”). Basically we’ll be purposefully jokey/immature and it will turn into a joke argument that we both laugh about. Works for us.

Serious disagreements don’t happen very often. There have been times where we’ve disagreed about something, and I’ll get a bit heated. I get frustrated because he says his piece, and then I’ll say mine, and then he’ll just sit there quiet when I try to get him to open up more about WHY he sees things the way he sees them or whatever. But eventually he will explain himself fully, and I’ll see his point of view more, so then we can have an open discussion and eventually we each make a bit of a compromise in our point of view at the very least, and then the discussion/disagreement will have closure and we’ll both move on from it. Oftentimes, these disagreements have led to us understanding each other more.

It drove me crazy at first that he would seemingly close down when we started having a serious disagreement about something. But then I realized that he just doesn’t think very clearly when put on the spot, he needs time to process things before he can articlulate how he is feeling/what he is thinking. Especially when he’s given new information (like my opinion). I’ve learned to appreciate this and give him his time, knowing that he will be ready to discuss it fully with me shortly. And again, these discussions usually end up with us understanding each other more.

Post # 14
Member
993 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

SO and I don’t argue too much, when we do it’s usually me being angry lol. 

We also take advantage of solitude, which is difficult when you live together in a 1 bedroom apartment. I’ll just take a minute and have a shower or read in the bedroom, he’ll usually clean (trying to make me feel better) and when we’re both feeling a little more rational we talk about it

we’re also big fans of going to bed angry. We refuse to stay up and fight, we tell each other we love each other, and then deal with it first thing in the morning.

And of course, if I’m upset, I express that I am upset for these reasons, not “you did this” or “you always do that” 

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