(Closed) How do you and your SO fight?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2020

To answer your question: we don’t. Our disagreements are either super healthy where we casually talk a situation through, or super unhealthy where one of us undermines ourself and makes themself all panicky which turns into the other calming the person, explaining how they’re being dumb and then turns into a healthy conversation about the problem at hand. 

I do agree with pps that the way that both you and your SO fight is unhealthy. I highly recommend printing this post and bringing it with you to your next councilling appointment. 

Post # 32
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Our “fights” consist of making the occasional snide comments to one another. I still remember the woman who told my Mother-In-Law that she and her husband never fought. He wound up throwing her nude body out the window of their NYC high-rise. 

You have your work cut out for you, being with an addict, but at least you’re both getting help. 

Post # 33
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

It’s not frequent but in 6 years we def have had fights, I’m more emotional so I cry when I feel like I’m not being heard. It usually is resolved within an hour though-I never want to fight, just resolve an issue but miscommunication can leave one person feelong attacked etc…BUT never ever have we thrown something at one another or been physical. I’d be pretty pissed if someone shook me in a fit of anger. Oh heck no! That is never ok, or the throwing of the phone. I get angry, real angry but still not THAT angry. Does the therapist know about the physical? I mean honestly, couples therapy is great but individual anger management might help with the intensity of the arguments. You may be use to it but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy for either of you. 

Post # 34
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Apparently everyone else in the world has their sh*t together. We fight, not a lot anymore, but it’s bad. I realize it’s not healthy and all of that jazz, but I’m not going to leave her because of it. We both come from really messed up childhoods and were working on it. One day I think we will reach that zen place of perfection, but we aren’t there now. 

Post # 35
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

I’m commenting to show a perspective of not fighting very “well” but without physical violence. We just have very different approaches to fighting and avoiding/confronting conflict. I think it really hinges on how we were raised. When we get into a major argument, he prefers to go away and cool off–sometimes he needs a long time and sometimes doesn’t even want to follow up after. Honestly this drives me crazy. I would rather work things out as soon as possible. It’s definitely a challenge for us.

Post # 36
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

slomotion:  I agree with your comment also, my Fiance and I never argue… Over the past 3 years of being together in a relationship, we have only ever had 2 serious arguments. Apart from that, I just get grumpy at the fact I have to keep nagging him to change the cat litter or take out the trash! Apart from those little things, arguments are very rare! 

Post # 37
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

Niether of us tend to get worked up to the point of raising our voices. We usually sit down and tell eachother exactly how we are feeling and why we feel the way we do. 

We are both people who cool off for 30 mins alone if we are worked up. When we’ve calmed down we have a calm, rational conversation. 

ETA: We rarely argue…  I can count maybe 2 or 3 disagreements in 5 years.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  RaccoonKitty.
Post # 38
Member
9982 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Nothing about what you described is in any way a “normal” or healthy way to argue.   

Feeling “fuzzy” and “like an emotional blackout” = very dangerous territory.  

He put his hands on you in anger.  You’re a victim of domestic violence.  You are being abused.  Your Fiance is abusive and that’s dangerous for you in every way possible.  I hope you can find a way to get safe. 

Post # 39
Member
7667 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

With my ex, we rarely fought because we couldn’t communicate at all, but when we did it was awful. Screaming, crying…sometimes he would punch the wall, one time I slammed a glass mug on the hardwood floor because I was so frustrated and confused (not proud of that). The worst though was shortly after I broke up with him the first time, he came over unannounced and we started fighting. My sweet cat walked into the room and began meowing (she was probably freaked out by the shouting match), and my ex started screaming at her. She was terrified…ran and hid under the bed and didn’t come out for ages.

Anyway yeah………took ending that and getting with someone who fights like a normal person with a heart to realize how effed up that was. My Fiance and I have only had one fight where voices were raised, and within 10 min we were both apologizing to each other. Sometiems we disagree on things, but we’re able to communicate like normal people, and we can always understand where the other person is coming from which is HUGE. We’re also both not afraid to admit when we are wrong, which is so important.

Post # 40
Member
4550 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

When we argue, it’s usually more of a disagreement that neither of us wants to give in on. Our voices might get a little hard/loud, but we don’t yell. Occasionally, I cry. Often, we go our own way for about an hour and then apologize once we’ve cooled down. Even these don’t happen alot.

No matter how angry one of us gets, we have never had a fight that involved actual yelling, throwing objects, or laying hands on the other person. 

Post # 41
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

We have the occasional issue but it is usually easily resolved. Most recent example:

Me: I noticed you haven’t been helping around the house much lately.

Darling Husband: What do you mean? Yes I do!

Me: I have been gone all week and the dishes are still in the sink and the counter is dirty. I need your help around the house, especially when I’m working extra hours.

Darling Husband: I didn’t really realize. I’ll make an effort to pick up more during the week.

He follows through. End of issue.

We used to fight dirty (yelling, sleeping in the spare bedroom, silent treatment for a few hours) but we went through couples therapy to learn how to communicate like adults. We have never been physical no matter how heated our fights have gotten. Major red flag.

Post # 42
Member
693 posts
Busy bee

This is not normal… y’all need to chill.

Also, I’m an attorney, but I’m telling you this as a friend — prenups are typically a waste. Typically, in the event of a divorce, they are not enforced by the court and that’s only after the parties have spent a lot litigating the issue. The law determines what is fair in terms of alimony, child support, etc. Unless there’s a huge asset that needs protected, a pre nup isn’t worth it. Not to mention the awkwardness of executing one right before you get hitched… Not romantic.

Post # 43
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

We bicker, but we’ve never gotten into a screaming match. We do our best to talk it out even when we’re frustrated with each other. I’ll admit, I get a little passive aggressive sometimes when I’m annoyed. I’m working on it. 

My fiance has never laid an aggressive or angry hand on me or slammed a door in my face.

I agree with PPs – this sounds like abusive behavior. He has absolutely no right to treat you this way, and you are NOT being over sensitive. Get out while you can. I’m so sorry, bee. 

Post # 44
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee

Yeah girl, I’d walk too. Sorry to say that. My exhusband and I had NASTY fights. There was yelling. He’d punch holes in walls, would break things, throw things. Once he actually grabbed me by the throat and threw me onto the bed. Scary stuff. It wasn’t always like that obviously, but he’s still doing that til this day w/ other woman he’s been w/ after me. 

Now my Fiance and I never fight. We may have 1 small/minor arguement per year (together for 6). But he would never lay a hand on me, he wouldn’t even pinch me if I asked. 

 

Post # 45
Member
3064 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

rainy578:  this 100% not normal. The fact that he put his hands on you means you need to leave, like yesterday.

Please leave him bee, this is only going to get worse. Do you tell your counselor what happens when you fight? Maybe schedule a solo session.

 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Boxerlover24.

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