Post # 1
Fiance and I have been having a hard time lately. He doesn’t let go of things very easily and is the type to just sit and brood over it. I’m the opposite. If there’s a problem, I want it fixed yesterday and do everything I can to resolve it. If they say it’s all good and I’m ok with the outcome, I take that at face value and move on. Fiance will say it’s ok and everything’s fine, but you just know it’s really not and he doesn’t want to talk about it.
I won’t go into details as it’s irrelevant, but currently what we’ve been bickering about is based around a miscommunication. I thought we’d decided something, he thought we were still going to talk about it, so when I brought it up matter of factly, he got upset. We agreed that it was a misunderstanding and I thought that was that. Apparently not. Where my initial reaction to such situations is apologize and try to fix it, he said that it was fine, nothing to be fixed and I accepted that and moved on. The subject came up again today and immediately he’s ticked off because it wasn’t actually ok the first time. And again, I try to fix it, but, he doesn’t want me to fix it. What’s done is done, I don’t want you to do it just because it’s what I want, I want you to want what I want and do because you want to, kinda thing.
It hurts because while what he says isn’t mean or aggressive, his tone of voice is just full of pissed off-edness. And this just kinda goes on until he’s finally over it, however long that takes. Basically, he needs space to get over things, but I can’t get over it if I’m giving him space. (An extreme example was our junior year of high school when he gave me the silent treatment for 2 months for breaking up with him the year before that. Again, I thought we’d moved past it, but apparently not. It was all I could think about for that entire time.) When we were talking he says “You don’t heal a scab by ripping it off everyday,” and I just looked at him, “Actually, I do…” It’s true, I pick at scabs until they heal. Apparently he doesn’t.
How do you and your SO handle these emotions, especially within the relationship? How do you reconcile two very different coping mechanisms (I don’t know if that’s the right term)?
Post # 3
My Dh was kind of similar. He broods. I found it annoying and immature but whatever. I left him alone and let him brood all by his lonesome. I went about my day as normal and refused to let his brooding bring me down or affect me in any way. After a few years of that, finally were are at the stage where he’s learned his attitude just gets him no where with me (no emotional reaction) so he can talk things out calmly and maturely without the bs attitude. I’m not an overly emotional person to begin with so overly emotional reactions to most things I just flat out ignore. When they don’t get the response their looking for they will change the initial action.
Post # 4
@HonoraryNerd: Fiance and I have kind of the opposite problem. He’s super laid back, goes with the flow. Sometimes I feel like nothing phases him and it drives me bonkers sometimes. I’m not like.. Over dramatic or inclined to hold a bitter grudge but I definitely get a little more wound up than Fiance and that can lead to some tension.
I think we reconcile by both trying to give a little. I have learned that when he says “sure” it means yes not some cryptic answer and he has learned that just because I get a little wound up sometimes doesn’t mean I don’t like him, I just get my panties bunched once in a while.
I have been known to tell him to “just get mad at something” to which he usually tells me I should just get less mad and then I usually pout and try to get over it as quickly as possible. He thinks it’s cute when I pout so it works 😛
I think what I work the hardest as is never resisting a laugh. Seriously, when it starts to get really grouchy, sometimes a tickly fight is in order.. Laughing fixes a lot of things. It’s hard sometimes and sometimes I want to be too mad to laugh but it seriously works. When Fiance is too grumpy and bottled up after work, I just do silly stuf until he cracks. Works like a charm, every time. And if I’m too mad to be rational, he gives me that “I’m am way too cute to be mad at so just lighten up face” and it’s irresistible.
Also, never go to bed angry. It’s a good rule!
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
@lalalyanne: LOL! If my Fiance tried to tickle me when I was upset I would lose my shit! But I sort of hate tickling anyway…
I digress. My Fiance and I try and talk as much as possible. I’m definitely one of those people who shuts down a bit when I’m upset or mad. I think it’s b/c I’m scared I’m going to cry (which totally annoys me). I’m trying to just get over it, have my cry, and get to the talking, b/c I think that is so much more efficient, and I HATE conflict, so I’d rather have it be over.
Did that even make sense? lol
Post # 6
@HonoraryNerd: we are talkers. Sometimes I have to have some alone time to brood and say bitchy things in my head first so I don’t say them to him, but that usually lasts an hour at most and then I’m ready to talk respectfully.
Post # 7
@HonoraryNerd: I want to be heard- acknowledged-and either apologized to or talk about how it will be fixed. He wants to go into den and let me stew in my anger which just makes me more angry. We have learned from ourselves. I wrote on the fridge when we were upset:
3. Apologize/plan to fix it
4. MOVE ON
so now it’s a thing… A ton less ” arguments” -we dont have that many but i recognize i have a big problem with people when i feel disrespected/not listened to and he is the passive type that thinks everything is cool and its really not until i feel you understand what was upsetting-we have learned to squash it right there instead of letting it snow ball. Makes for a much happier life when you can communicate with ease.