Post # 16
I promise you girls I am not “money hungry” but I am a bit bummed because we are both first children to get married in both families and we kind of hoped they would help us out. But that is fine, we can do everything on our own it will just take a bit more time. I will just proceed as we pay for everything and use “surprise money” if they show towards down payment on a house or something like that.
Post # 17
You don’t ask anyone for money. If they want to contribute, they they will tell you. If you want to get the ball rolling, start planning for a budget you can afford and keep them in the loop. For example ” we went to see this venue today” or “we made our guest list” and that will be their opportunity to let you know if they want to help you out or not. Since they have already said they will pay for a dress it would be appropriate to ask them what kind of budget they are thinking for the dress and that may prompt them to odferr to pay for other things as well.
Your parents aren’t stupid. They know they can contribute to your wedding. They will bring it up themselves if they want to.
Post # 18
I agree with the advice you have been given regarding not specifically asking if your parents have not previously mentioned a willingness to contribute to your wedding. However, what may be the best manner in which to find out early on in the process without directly asking involves how you and your Fiance respond to questions about how your wedding planning is progressing.
If your parents inquire how your planning is going, you can always begin by saying that you and your Fiance are still in the budgeting phase, wanting to ensure that you are able to account for all budget line items prior to committing to any, especially the number of people on your guest list or the type of venue you will choose.
This will not only serve to show your parents that you are striving to make wise decisions but also would provide them with an excellent opportunity to indicate whether or not they plan to make any additional resources available to you.
Post # 19
- Wedding: November 2015 - Ballroom
Maybe I have a different relationship with my parents but I absolutely asked them point blank if they could help us out with the wedding, and if so, how much could they contribute. Fiance did the same with his parents. Background for me is that my parents paid for all of my sister’s wedding (20 years ago, I’m an older bride), and I knew they have the financial ability to assist. After we got engaged, my parents wanted to take us out to dinner to celebrate AND discuss wedding plans. I knew that was my opening. They were totally fine with talking about it and giving me a number right then and there. FI spoke to his parents without me there, after they told him they wanted to assist financially as well.
That being said, if my circumstances were different, or my parents weren’t in the financial place I knew them to be, we would have made a wedding happen on our own dime. As it is, we are also contributing a pretty penny to the overall cost in addition to the assistance we received.
Post # 20
Im in the “please please PLEASE don’t ask” camp. It is presumptuous.
Only child southern bride here, so take that for what its worth, but mg parents actually didn’t give me a budget at all (despite saying they’d be paying). And I still never asked. I included them in the planning and they covered costs as contracts cropped up.
If I were you, I’d work under the assumption that you and your Fiance are paying, but include your family in the planning process. If they want to step hom they’ll have access to do it.
Post # 21
I didn’t have to ask because they beat us to the punch and offered.
However, if they hadn’t offered, I would not have hesitated to ask nicely: “Daddy, Mom, are you going to be able to help out with the costs?”
Money is not a taboo subject in my immediate family. My parents have always been generous and we’re open about these things.
Post # 22
sylwia212: “how do you ask for a $$$ contribution?” To me, you don’t. Have the wedding you and your fiance can afford. Enjoy! Congratulations!
Post # 23
Im in a kind of similar situation. My dad has always joked about my “wedding fund”, like when he would take me out to lunch he’d say he’s taking it out of my wedding fund. Anyways, my younger brother (only sibling) got married this summer to a girl who had been previously married not too long ago… WHOLE other story there, and to each their own, everyone makes mistakes, not going to go down that path now. My parents gave them a large chunk of money, which is fine, they can do what they want. I had been with my boyfriend at the time for quite awhile, and we all knew the proposal was coming, and it happened two weeks ago! Super excited!
we shared the news with my parents first, and they pretty much just said “oh nice, let us know when and where the wedding is and we’ll be there.” It was an odd reaction. Though I’m in the early budgeting and planning stages, I’ve done what a few have suggested and have kept them informed on the planning. Because my dad had been joking for years about my wedding fund and gave about $5k to my brother for their wedding, I was feeling awkward about talking about money with them. Told them what we are projecting for costs, told them about some venue ideas, showed my mother some pictures of dresses, etc…
I never asked for money or even joked about it and have been talking to them like we are going to have to save up on our own and we can’t set a date yet because we had a lot of big expenses (we bought a house 8 mons ago). They have pretty much acted like we are not getting a dime. That’s fine. I’m going to be honest I’m super pissed they gave my brother a bunch of money for his wedding and were super involved with all of it. His wife has parents btw, decent ones who were also very involved with the wedding and planning.
so we decided to do our own thing without anyone and are going to save up and elope to italy and have a ceremony for just the two of us on the amalfi coast and then spend another week and a half touring the rest of italy on our honeymoon. We then told them this plan and all of a sudden my dad is saying how he’d love to go and basically implied that he and my mother would tag along for every minute of our trip. ha!
so I don’t know if I contributed at all, but long story short I didn’t ask about money at all, and we are doing our own thing and I maybe needed to vent a little!
So I am with you sylwia212! It’s awkward, weird, and a little frustrating. But as others have said, if you pay for it yourselves you two get to make all the decisions and it’s will truly be YOUR day!
Post # 24
Thank you ladies, I appreciate your responses.
I am only very frustrated because every time someone asks “How is planning going” and we keep them updated, they give us bunch of venues etc. but when they hear that we might have to wait till 2017 because of money, we are met with sigh and eye roll. Well excuse me but I am not made out of money and it is super hard for us to save. We are planning small wedding anyway but from what I saw, it will be about 10 grand anyway. So I wish (especially my parents) people were more tactful and don’t act like I am such a big screw up for not having wedding next year if they won’t help.
Post # 25
sylwia212: maybe you could let your parents know that no matter what, you would appreciate their support in planning a wedding and paying for it on your own. I’m sure you can word it in a way that makes them feel like you are a little stressed out and above all things need them on your side to help keep you positive and hopeful that you’ll get the wedding you want. I know everyone has different relationships with their parents, so I’m sure you’d know best how to let them know how you feel about having their emotional support through the planning process.
Post # 26
I think it depends on your relationship with your parents. As a pp said I have a diff relationship with my parents and saying “hey trying to plan a budget is there anything you were wanting to cover” wasn’t a big deal. They are straight forward people and would have said no had they not wanted to. I don’t feel like that’s begging for money. Would I EVER ask someone else? Nope. I also never would habe brought it up to my inlaws.
Post # 27
Ofc I wouldn’t suggest straight up asking if your parents can give you thousands of dollars, but come on, your parents aren’t strangers. If you have a good relationship with them, I don’t see why it would be considered presumptive to say something like “I am planning on paying for this wedding, but if there is any aspect you’d like to make your gift to us, we would appreciate it, but we are not assuming you will.” In a traditional American wedding, the bride’s parents do pay or contribute—although that’s changing now. For us, my mom doesn’t have money to spare but is extremely generous, so my role is keeping financials away from her
Post # 28
sylwia212: I am in the less popular club, I’d say just ask your parents if they will be contributing. I did that with mine, and my dad gave me a number on the spot and told me what he will cover and what we will need to cover. Thing is, my amazing daddy wants an old school polish wedding with 200+ people, out of which I probably know 50… Im also first to get married and am an only child, but I don’t think that changes much… You should ask, never hurts to ask, afterall they are your parents.. And from a cultural stand point, I think they would be willing to help, they might just not know how to approach the subject.
Post # 29
sylwia212: I’m in a smiliar boat. Both sets of parents have implyed that they will be contributing something but have not made any specific commitments. I attempted to ask my dad if he knew what he’d be paying for/providing and he jsut said he’d have to waiting until closer to the day. And it seems mhy In-laws will just be matching whatever my parents pay.
So for now, we are planning as if we’re no our own until the day comes that we’re not. That’s what I suggest. And then if in a few months your parents come in a say they’ll pay for X,Y, or Z you can upgrade or add things that you didn’t think you’d be able to afford.
Post # 30
sylwia212: we are having to save for that long too – I like to think of it as having longer to enjoy being engaged! Once the wedding is over, it’s over, so I’m actually enjoying the saving stage.
Eta: I don’t really understand this weird formality of not being allowed to breach etiquette and talk to your own family…can you bring it up politely, non-assumingly and graciously, and just ask?