(Closed) How do you avoid becoming the nagging Fi/gf/wife

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee

Darling Husband and I have agreed that I am allowed to remind him of something twice. After that, it becomes nagging. If he feels like I’m doing it too much he’ll say “ok Mary” (my mum’s name) which shuts me up quick smart πŸ™‚ In general we try to treat each other with respect and courtesy and speak up when we feel like that’s not happening. Renovations and home improvements are always fraught πŸ™‚

Post # 4
Member
14494 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I guess I am a bit more old fashioned, I don’t nag, ever.  It is one of the things he brags about me, I let him be the guy and do the guy things and he let’s me do the lady things.  If I have a problem we discuss it.  And sometimes I just let him show me how to do things I know how to do just because he is the guy, and they like that.  I get a ton more done at my place because all the guys (and all very handy) love to hang out at our place because of the fact that I never nag him or them and I just bring a round of beer to them every once in a while and just stay out of their way. 

Post # 5
Member
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I dont tend to nag.. I just leave lots of sticky notes reminding! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ haha is that classed as nagging?

he is just very forgetful. I dont critique him on stuff that he does tho. I just have to write the note to remind him.

Post # 6
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m a bit of a control freak…so I find myself wanting to nag a lot.  I try to be mindful at all times and hold my tongue when I can see that it doesn’t matter.  Like the way he loads the dishwasher which is completely inefficient…but should I complain about how he does a chore??  The end result is the same: clean dishes.  So I won’t say anything for that.  But things that do matter, I’ll say something and keep reminding him without mercy.  I don’t consider it nagging if it’s important (like registering a vehicle or renewing his life insurance!).

Post # 7
Member
5766 posts
Bee Keeper

I think the way around that is to not try to be his Mother/boss, but to be his partner. If you consider yourselves equals in the relationship, neither of you will feel the need to do all the ‘reminding’. It also depends on your definition of ‘nagging’ as well as his. Repeating something more than once,and especially if it absolutely needs his attention, isn’t nagging in my book. But we all know men have different ideas about these things. πŸ™‚

Post # 8
Member
14185 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Darling Husband did a really crappy job painting the kitchen a few weeks ago. Like, he didn’t go all the way to the edge and i was pretty annoyed. it looked like sh*t basically. So yeah, i did nag about it and he did get defensive and I DID tell him it looked crappy. Two weeks later I say I’m going to repaint what he messed up and wallah, he’s fixing it himself. I didn’t say “if you did it right the first time…” but boy i wanted to!!!!

So stuff like that, yeah i get on his case about it. But if he cleans differently than me, i don’t care. He nags me sometimes about the cat box but that’s only b/c i forget. But I think if you harp on one thing over and over and over, it’s nagging. At some point, just do it yourself. Tell him you’re a control freak. Heck i have to do that. “honey i’m going to finish that or i’m going to be a big jerk to you” lol…it’s true =]

I think when life in general gets busy we lose our tolerance for letting things go and the nagging kicks in. It’s part of being efficient i guess—“do it now so we can do other things!”

Eh, i do it, too, basically. But when i get intense, Darling Husband tells me and I know when to shut up.

Post # 9
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

it’s really self-aware of you to realize this. so many never do and then what? you can always use this moment to bring it up in conversation, maybe even apologize if you feel you overdid it. the good part is that you don’t want to be this way. i doubt anyone really wants to fall into these negative communication patterns or stereotypes. for us, lots and lots of communication works to figure out how we divide and conquer. sometimes we still have it out, but it’s in a healthy way to help us be open about our dynamic. noone is perfect.

Post # 10
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Put yourself in his shoes. Consider how the things you are saying, tone as well as content would make you feel if he were telling you. If you wouldn’t mind then you are probably not doing too badly. If you feel like you are going over the top… then you need to at least change your wording… Tread carefully. Instead of saying OMG Your doing this all wrong!!!- try honey, do you think it would work better if we did it this way??? If your in a hurry instead of saying We need to go NOW try babe, it’s about time to go. Are you ready?

 

I know it sounds silly but it really makes things a lot easier. I am so beyond overly accustomed to having to light the fire under my Fi’s @$$ to do something differently or to remember we have something going on or to find a way to remind him for the 87th time that his laundry is still in the washer. 90% of the time I can stay chill and respond in ways similiar to how I suggested and Fi is the exact same way and things work out great… but on those off chances that I blurt out something rude or “naggy” or visa versa it always turns into a harsher response and it sucks.

Post # 11
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

My husband is generally very helpful. If anything, he’s reminding me that I left my shoes out again, but he’s cute and playful about it. The one and only thing I nag him about is when he hangs our laundry on the line outside. My mom has been doing it all of her life, so I learned from the best. He hangs things a bit…crappily, and I’ll remind him of the right way, and he’ll continue to do it the wrong way. After reminding him twice, I just fix it when he’s not looking Wink

Post # 12
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

The only way Fiance will do anything is if i “nag”

I have always said I will not be married to my dad. I love my parents they have been married for almost 40 years but i just dont understand after living in the same house for 35 years how does my dad still not know where things go!

Post # 13
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee

I’m pretty much a “nagger”… I can admit it. He’s at work all the time so when he comes home  I have a “honey do” list that would make your head spin. Also because I just moved to North Carolina and don’t really have any friends I get upset when he wants to go fishing or whatever. I’ve really been trying to work on it but its hard because I hate spending time alone when I could be spending it with him, but on the other hand I know he needs guy time.

Boo… now I’m all guilty feeling again. lol

Post # 14
Member
1675 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I am not a nagger and work very hard not to be. Often, if I feel the need to nag coming on, I stop for a moment and think, “How important is this in the grand scheme of things?” Usually it isn’t important at all, so I let it go. I think it’s all about being self-aware and choosing your battles wisely.

Post # 15
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Like someone else said I think it’s about remembering that the two of you are parnters and that hopefully you married/partnered a competent adult.  For example, as an adult, I have the “right” to leave my shoes anywhere I please in my apartment, right?  Now, it’s considerate for me not to do so if it bothers my partner (and I’ll do my best) but it is my decision.  And it’s his decision how to load his dishes in his dishwasher. Or when to register his vehicle.  He’s got as much ownership over the dishes as you do, you know?

It’s important to be considerate and polite if you want to live with someone else – or they will run away :).  Important to compromise and try to accomdate your partner’s desires.  But I think the stereotypical situation of one parnter incessently nagging presumes that everything is under the direction and control of the nagging partner and the nagged partner is helpless when in reality the nagged partner is in his/her right to refuse and the nagged partner will usually not actually starve and go bankrupt if left alone.

Post # 16
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

I try really, really hard not to nag. It’s something that comes kind of naturally to me because I’m a control freak, so it takes a lot of effort for me to not nag! 

Generally, if something Fiance is forgetting to do and it is driving me crazy, I’ll do what I can to get it to where it doesn’t bother me anymore, and then I’ll leave it up to him – for example, a couple of weeks ago I was cleaning and his crap was ALL OVER the apartment. Random papers, clothes, etc. So I picked it all up and put it all on one place (on HIS desk in the bedroom). It took up like half the desk, and I told him that I’d really appreciate it if he could clean it up within the next few days (I gave him an actual day because he works well with deadlines). 

Then, when he didn’t have it cleaned up and it was over a week after when I had asked him to finish it, I gently reminded him about it. It finally got done a few days later. It took everything I had not to nag him about it every day, but I figured it was in his space, not mine, and he’d get to it when he got to it. It’s really hard for me not to nag sometimes, but it’s worth the effort so we don’t end up fighting!

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