(Closed) How do you deal with a BM who knew she was pregnant but didn’t tell you?

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
900 posts
Busy bee

Was she just not telling people yet?  I mean, trying on a bridesmaid dress shouldn’t be the compelling reason to reveal a pregnancy you aren’t yet telling people about.

If she was telling other people and her family knew, then I can see why that might be bothersome.

Post # 4
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Well I personally feel that it is fine to have a pregnant bridesmaid and I’ve  been pregnant and a bridesmaid before too!

I’d call her and say that we needed to alter dress size or get something that will allow for belly growth and tell her congrats.

Post # 5
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

If she’s close enough to be your Bridesmaid or Best Man, I think she should have been able to confide in you.  And it’s certainly inconsiderate to let you spend money and make lots of plans if she was intending not to be part of the day/ not fit in the dress.

I would be upset- mostly hurt- that she didn’t confide in me.

If you still want her in the wedding- and she’s willing to participate- then just get her another dress (perhaps same color different style, empire waist is easy for growing bellies) or talk to the seamstress about alterations.  Depending on her build, and how her body changes- it might not be that major by 5 months.

Post # 6
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I understand where you are coming from but I have to say – she’s newly (unplanned) pregnant and about to get married. Both very exciting/frightening/holy shit moments in life and I am sure she is doing the best she can trying to handle doing the right thing for herself and everyone else in her life. So go ahead be annoyed, stew for a few days and then…get over it. Cut her some slack, she needs a friend more right now than you need a bridesmaid.

Post # 7
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You should consider her feelings– why would a friend choose not to tell you about something so big? Maybe she didn’t actually know yet, maybe she was working things out with her Fiance before telling anybody, maybe she was embarresed and not confident enough to bring it up– there could be lots of reasons why she let the bridesmaids dress be purchased without saying anything.

I tell my closest friends just about everything, but there are times when I wait to tell big news for one reason or another.

Post # 8
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

I think it’s very typically not to reveal a pregnancy until three or four months out given the possibility of miscarriage.  Also some people think it is bad juju to reveal a pregnancy too early.  If I wasn’t disclosing it to anyone, trying on a bridesmaid dress wouldn’t prompt me to reveal it.  I would insist on paying for my dress (any future alterations) though.

Also — maybe she wasn’t sure what she was going to do about the pregnancy, marriage etc at that time. 

 

Post # 9
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I don’t think you are wrong for feeling slighted and betrayed.  What she did was inconsiderate of you.  She is going through some tough time, but she shouldn’t have dragged you in to it based on her own denial or ways of dealing with he problems.  It sounds like she’s in some kind of denial, so I guess if she can’t even be honest with herself, she certainly can’t be honest with you.  I would definitely feel betrayed and hurt, too.

With all that said, it seems like you still consider her as a close friend and she probably does need you as a friend right now.  If you don’t care about the Chinese tradition, keep her in the bridal party.  Perhaps have a talk with her to let her know despite how you feel hurt, you still want to be supportive to her during this time.

Post # 10
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think it’s reasonable to be frustrated that you have extra work to do now that you found out your friend is pregnant.  If there aren’t any cultural objections (it sounds like maybe this was a possiblity that didn’t pan out?), I guess the focus would be on making sure her dress fits.  I agree with pps who said maybe you can update the measurements or cancel the original dress order and buy a new dress.  You still have 2.5 months to figure out something for her to wear, so hopefully you’ll be able to find something within that time frame.

As far as your friend not telling you, I’m not sure I’m following the timeline.  If your friend will be 5 months pregnant by the time of your wedding, that means she’s only 2.5 months pregnant right now?  Unless you ordered bm dresses within the last few weeks, she might not have even known she was pregnant at the time you ordered dresses.  Plus, miscarriages are most common in the first trimester, and a lot of women don’t announce their pregnancies until they’re out of the first trimester or until they’ve had the pregnancy confirmed by their doctor (at 8 to 10 weeks).   

Post # 11
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I would congratulate her! And tell her you still want her to be in your wedding. The seamstress can always add panels (you can sometimes order them separate from the dress from the manufacturer) or you might be able to call to change the order size now, since you are still 3 months out.

On the other hand, I have a Bridesmaid or Best Man who keeps acting like she is going to be pregnant at my wedding. She tells me everytime she’s late (which is often) and then most recently she told me if she was pregnant now, she would be huge at my wedding next June. While I’d be super happy for her if she was pregnant, she talks about any sign super early, so I’m now kinda skeptical any time she mentions the possiblity. As it impacts my wedding, I could care less how pregnant or not she is at the time. As long as she can be there, that’s what matters. I’m letting my girls pick out their own dresses though, so she’s free to wait longer to buy something off the rack or get a flowy empire dress to accomodate whatever size belly she’ll have.

Post # 12
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

There are people who tend to avoid conflict and avoid direct confrontation. Maybe she just doesn’t know how to tell you and prefers to let things slide until she can’t help it anymore. I’m not advocating that this is the correct behavior and I think you still have the right to be upset. But that’s how some ppl are. They live in denial and/or procrastinate and stick their heads in the sand. Oh well…

Post # 13
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Don’t know if someone else posted this yet or not, but maybe she was in Denial at the time and didn’t want to admit to herself that she was prego.  I’d just try to find her another dress.

Post # 14
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

is she from a more traditional/conservative family or culture? If the pregnancy is unplanned, unexpected and even partially unwanted, it’s likely that she wasn’t telling ANYONE and still struggling to deal with the news herself.

Be gracious to your friend. If she was freaking out about this, trying to decide how to handle it, feeling weighed down by 1) the fact that her family was going to kill her, 2) she will be spending the next 18+ years raising a child when she likely doesn’t feel ready, 3) she had a decision to make about her own (shotgun) wedding, 4) probably trying to decide whether to have the wedding and baby or an abortion, 5) possibly not recieving a lot of support or agreement from the father of the child…

well, it just seems like with an unexpected pregnancy, ordering a dress or being in a wedding would be the least of her concerns. Yes, your wedding IS important, but if she was not emotionally ready to tell anyone yet (and telling you for the sake of buying a dress really means telling EVERYONE involved in the dress buying process; your other BMs, the saleswomen, probably your mom, etc.), well… I can see her reasoning.

I think you should respect her priorities, because most women I know would put their own emotional wellbeing and that of their child before the perfection of someone else’s wedding. You still have a few months to find a new Bridesmaid or Best Man or a new dress, so don’t get too bridezilla on her. 🙂

Post # 15
Member
374 posts
Helper bee

Cut her some slack.  She is whirling and probably hurling!  Maybe she didnt’ know she was going to keep the baby.  Maybe she was hoping she’d miscarry in the early stages.  She was avoiding the truth and was going through the motions of trying on the dress becasue she wasn’t ready to tell herself the truth, let alone anyone else. And, she was secretly hoping this situation would ‘go away’ most likely.

Tell her not to worry.  Leave it up to her if she still wants to be in the weddng.  I agree w/day dream wandereer!  She needs her $ now; she needs your friendship now…It’s OK not to have the exact # of groomsmen and bridesmaids.  After they walk in and out, and dance, no one ever hangs out w/their appointed groomsman or Bridesmaid or Best Man….after the formalities, everyone flees to their own corners and dates and lives…So, go on w/your wedding plans and don’t replace her…

Check at the bridal salon and see what the contact says about cancelling…who pays for the cancellation…she or you?  Is it important to you that X # of people buy dresses so you will get a certain discount….?  If so, cut your loss and move on unless you know someone who really wanted to be in the wedding.

Could it be that somewhere you may be upset she is getting married first.  That she beat you?  It doesn’t matter what her circumstances are.  She’s first.  And your feelings are justified and it’s OK for you to feel ‘jilted.’  You had in your mind your idea of what was going to happen…and how….and who would do what and when….this upset your apple cart…but’s it’s changed her world.

If she still wants to be a bridesmaid, that’s her problem and the dressmakers.  Not yours, unless you care and don’t want a pregnant Bridesmaid or Best Man.  So search your heart on this.  Most probably she wants out, so let her be responsible for the guest book or just come as a guest with her husband.  You should let her decide and give her the open door to do what she thinks is right for herself and you should tell her that regardless of her decision, you understand and will support whatever she decides without judgment. 

 

Post # 16
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

At the end of the day, I think you’ll do what you feel you need to do.  If you still truly want her in the wedding, you still have a decent amount of time to get her another dress.  If not, hopefully she’ll understand the whole situation with your culture feeling like it would be bad luck.

But, I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain…my own SISTER did this to be for my wedding, things were a little rough between us the few months before the wedding, so I didn’t really see her, then 2 WEEKS before the wedding she FINALLY tells me she was 5 months pregnant….talk about stress trying to work on that dress situation. 

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