(Closed) how do you deal with people you no longer care for as friends?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 32
Member
2359 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@elliptical2013:  sorry? Missed that!  My bad.

i recently took a trip with my best friend of 20 years.  It definately put a dent in our relationship.  We’ve never been on vacation together and let me tell you….. It was horrible!  I realized then that we had grown apart immensely.  We live 2 hours apart and barely see each other So this trip was something we were both looking forward too…. To an extent.  Id already knew our friendship was dwindling a bit but thought this trip might be good, plus we’d been planning a trip together for 10 years and it just never happened.

we are still friends but not as close as we’ve always been.  I knew over the last few years that her negative energy was overtaking everything(long story on that) but it gets worse and worse and I just can’t deal with it anymore.  She’s turned into a serious Debbie downer and we’ve had many conversations about it, shes been to councelling etc for years, but nothing has changed.  I’ve tried to stick by her but now it’s just too much for me and it’s making me resent her more. 

I had to distance myself.   

I just wish it happened before that trip because I feel like I wasted my money and time lol I coulda went with some one who actually wanted to get out of bed and do something.

Post # 33
Member
44 posts
Newbee

Part of me thinks that you should have just told her what she really did wrong not just to get it off your chest but so she can correct it (even for her future friendships she will have with others). But the other part of me thinks that this girl sounds like a really big headache and if you are so done with her then it’s not worth the drama that would follow by you telling her exactly what she did wrong. Ending friendships is hard and I think you ended up taking the high road. It’s all for the best. 

Post # 34
Member
4111 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Before reading that you had already blocked her and nixed her from the website, I was going to suggest you take a breather and not do anything rash. Step back from it, take a few days/weeks. If it’s still fresh and you are truly done, have an adult conversation with her basically explaining your disappointment with the trip and her actions throughout the entire thing. Tell her that because of this, you worry how her actions may affect the wedding activities and that, unfortunately, you do not want to have to worry about such stuff on your day. 

Give her a chance to explain herself and be wary of getting into a sparring match with her. If you’ve explain the part about the trip already, then don’t bring it up again. Just say that you would rather she come as a guest and not have the added stress and headache of all the bridesmaid responsibilities and then gently pull away from her. It doesn’t have to be an abrupt tear that leaves her feeling hurt. Just explain that you and your Fiance had to make some last minute adjustments, and you’d love her to come as your guest instead of as a maid. If you present it in a gentle way, yes, she can still lash out and get angry, but you’ve taken the high road and if she refuses to take such an opportunity, there is no other option.

If you have the same circle of friends, I would be very careful about the way you handle this, as you do not want to come off as cold or bitchy, but also so that no one feels as if they need to take sides. 

From someone who has lost touch with friends, tried to reconnect, and found it hard again, I’ve found the best advice is honesty. If you are honest and kind about it and they choose to freak out, at least you’ve done all you can and taken the high road.

Good luck! *hugs*

Post # 36
Member
28 posts
Newbee

Im going through the same thing currently.  A good friend (well, in the past- middle & high school) of over 10 years became extremely hurt that she wasn’t in my bridal party.  She’s quite scary to deal with, and seems to have the same termperment as your friend.  She has a lot of psychological issues, and ultimately we grew apart.  She is a debbie downer, constantly frowning, nothing is ever right, killing the mood, not a good person to be around – she even made a lasting scene at a mutal friend’s wedding because she was such a buzzkill.  I took all of this to heart and ultimately did NOT make her a part of my wedding.  She still considers us “best friends,” but I would never treat a best friend the way that she treats me or see eachother (or lack there of) as little as we do (probably less than 5 times a year to just “catch up,” but no deep conversations).  I felt that i owed it to her to let her know I picked my wedding party before it leaked on social meda or some other bassackwards way.

Well, I tried to do the right thing and let her know beforehand that she wouldn’t be in my wedding.  I said that I loved her, cared for her, wanted her to be involved, not to take it to heart but decided on a very small wedding party early on.  Well, unleash the crazy train.  Talk about the most disrespectful things to say to a person!  And to think she wanted to be in my wedding? Woah, crazy pants.  I did reach out a couple of times to go out for coffee and talk about it – one word responses or no response.  Then she said the terrible things to me and I literally deleted her number and haven’t responded to any interaction since (ALL social media). 

While some people are saying not to pussy foot away, sometimes the situation calls for it.  Some people just DON’T GET IT, a conversation doesn’t help.  I think maybe if she knew why you were mad (although if she wasn’t an air head and not rude in the first place, she’d figure it out).. but I really think chilling out and leaving it be works okay.  That’s what I’m doing.  This is a new step for me, I don’t know how to do this either.  I’ve also never been engaged or in this situation before, so there are a lot of words flying around in my head.  Ultimately, do what is best for you.  So long as you’ve communicated in your way the best that you could then you are golden.  She’ll realize one day, but in the very distant future for sure.

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