Post # 1
While talking to some friends on the weekend we got to the subject of making plans that don’t involve your SO and I thought I would come to WB and see how you guys deal with this kind of thing. How do you guys handle making plans to do things separately? I’m a huge advocate of each person in a relationship having their own time with their friends, personal hobbies, etc. so my question is not do you have a life without your SO or anything like this, just more how you go about it. Do you just do it, do you ask permission or do you talk about it first?
For an example.. do you say “me and the girls are going out Saturday night”, “is it ok if I go out with the girls Saturday night” or “do we have plans Saturday night? If not I’ll probably go out with the girls”, or something completely different?
I always find it interesting to see how different couples handle things and what works for them.
Post # 3
Since I am the one who pretty much keeps track of our calendars, I just let him know what my plans are. If he’s making plans with his friends without me, he will usually just ask me if we already have plans, and if we don’t, he’ll tell me what he’s planning. Neither of us have ever felt the need to “ask permission” to hang out with our friends.
Post # 4
For me personally, I’m usually in the third category… I usually say “do we have plans” before committing to something. If it’s a birthday or something that can’t be changed it’s usually a case of “hey it’s XX’s birthday on Friday so we’re going to the spa”
However, SO plays hockey so we don’t talk about his hockey schedule, it just is what it is, we work around it. He skiis a lot in the winter and golfs a lot in the summer and will usually ask me if I mind or if we have plans on the day he wants to go.
ETA: One of my friends has a rule with her husband that they have to ask each other’s permission first once they know all the details of what they will be doing, then they decide together if they should go. Another friend just tells her husband that she’s going out, doesn’t give him any details and he doesn’t care. Everyone else was pretty much the same as me. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way though.
Post # 5
@givemecouture: It all usually starts with me hollering downstairs, or into the garage, or up on the roof or wherever the hell he is right then and asking, “Hey, are we doing something on Saturday?” and he won’t hear me…so he’ll come over and I’ll repeat myself, he’ll ask why, I’ll say something ridiculous, like, “Because we’re going to harness all of the electricity in the area, and create a monster with it!” he’ll give me a wilting look, I’ll tell him that I really want to go see a scary movie with my best friend where we may or may not do some serious hand holding…he’ll tell me he doesn’t think we’re doing anything that day, and that’s that.
Post # 6
I know the calendar and my husband doesn’t really make plans, so I just tell him what I’ve planned if I have something I want to go do with girlfriends. I tend to do the same with things he IS involved in. Some things though I run by him first, and sometimes I will ask him how he feels about me going to hang out with the girls if we haven’t spent much time together recently, or I am just feeling sensitive towards his feelings lol.
Post # 7
@AmyFarrahFowler: 100% the same. I schedule whatever I want because I know whether or not we would have conflicting plans. He usually checks with me just to make sure there’s nothing he’s forgotten about, but it’s definitely “Hanging out with X and going out for wings on Friday night” not “Do you mind if I do such-and-such?”
Post # 8
We usually check with each other to make sure we don’t already have plans. It’s more out of consideration and to make sure we don’t forget about something than “permission”.
Post # 9
@howtobeawife: I agree with the consideration point.
Post # 10
If it affects our own time (e.g. his lunch or my lunch), then it’s usually an after-the-fact “Hey, I went with so and so to lunch.” It’s more informational than anything else.
If it’s during a time when we otherwise would be with each other, then I usually make tentative plans, and then say, “Hey, the girls and I are thinking of going to xyz on Friday. Is it okay with you?”
The answer is always affirmative, but it’s nice to feel like your opinion was considered and that the option to say no is there. We rarely make firm plans so we both feel good about semi-committing to external plans before checking the communal calendar.
If it involves both of us, like a double date type thing, we both don’t commit until we check in with each other.
Post # 11
I usually say “I’m planning to go out for drinks with Stephanie after work on Friday.” I would know if we already had something planned. If he objected for some reason, or I’d forgotten about something, he’d let me know.
He is a big last-minute plan maker – his buddies like to get together for happy hour once or twice a week. He usually asks/tells me that afternoon. He knows I’m fine with it because I love having some alone time to watch my trashy TV. My work schedule is all over the place, so he makes plans in advance when he knows I’m working in the evening.
Post # 12
It’s kind of a combination of two and three for us. I have some health problems that cause fatique so I sometimes just want to hang out at home on the weekends. He will usually ask if we have plans and, if we don’t, ask if I mind if he goes out with his friends (which I rarely do since he hardly ever asks).
Post # 13
We say “is it ok if…”
And it’s nearly always ok.
Post # 14
We usually ask each other if we have plans that day/weekend or if the one of us minds if the other goes out. Not that either of us is asking permission really, but if SO was looking to forward to spending the night cuddling on the couch, I don’t want to simply tell him I’ll be going out with the girls instead. That said, neither one of us has ever said “yes, I mind.”
Post # 15
We have a joint Google calendar that we put mutual things on as well as “I’m busy on my own” kind of things. If I’m unsure I will generally say “We’re not doing anything Friday, right? I’m gonna go over to BFF’s.” I’m a little more independant than him, so for instance, this Sunday he’s having a “guys game day” in his hometown (about a 2 hour drive from our place) but I’m going with him and hanging out with his friend’s wife. He might have not gone if it meant driving all the way there & back alone.
Post # 16
@MexiPino: We sorta do the same thing, instead of a joint calendar, I just send him meeting reminders to his work calendar. It def helps keep track of things.