(Closed) How do you deal with waiting for your boyfriend to be ready?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

F*king Ron Weasley, needs to get his shit together, I always say. ๐Ÿ˜‰

But in all honesty, OP – I would take a breath here and try to see things from his perspective, which it seems you are willing to do, so that’s good. I’d echo what a couple PP’s have said, which is that the length of time you guys have been dating does not support fretting over possible commitment issues yet. Also, it’s a pretty big deal for most people to go from living alone to living with another person. Even when you’ve been spending a few nights a week together already.

My bf will be moving in with me in a few months. I love this man to death, he stays over every weekend, I’ve known him for 15 years, and I’ve lived with another person before (my ex husband). And even I am apprehensive because I love having MY space so much. And I am someone who never thought I’d be ok with living alone. On balance of course I’d prefer to have him here. But just wanted to point out, this kind of transition is not easy for everyone, and people are going to have different timelines they’re comfortable with.

As to feeling out of control and no compromise – is he otherwise unwilling to compromise on things in your relationship? Because I could see why he’d want to be able to surprise you with a proposal. That part doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to disregard you. You both should obviously have conversations about when the appropriate time to take that step would be.

But try not to feel like you have no control in the relationship just because he wants to move at a slightly slower pace. I’m not sure that’s fair to him. It doesn’t seem to have gone on long enough to be able to classify his behavior as stringing you along, and I’m sure that’s not his intention.

Post # 18
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee

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hermionegranger:  

A few things…

As others have said, Almost a year is not that long…I get it that in your circles that’s what all your friends did, but comparing your relationship to others never ends well…

26/27 is not that old…you both are really just starting to experience life as independent adults (I assume you are independent…if you are not, you have NO business thinking marriage)

I would continue to give the relationship time…every relationship moves at a different speed…my fiance and I started sleepover dates within a month, he was moved in within 6, yet we didn’t get engaged for over 2 years…getting married SHOULD BE a lifetime commitment – it is best if it happened naturally as opposed to someone having a timeline…that said, no, I wouldn’t spend YEARS with someone not wanting to commit to me long term…

At this point, you have brought it up…I would wait until you have been together about a year and a half before bringing it up again…if you are up his ass with it, you WILL pressure him and turn him off…who knows, maybe he will bring it up!

Post # 20
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee

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hermionegranger:  

Ahh…I often forget about different cultures, religions, etc on this board…my apologies! I really don’t know enough about your culture to give advise…I wish you the best of luck ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 21
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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hermionegranger:  I am an advocate for living together before engagement and marriage simply because (and I may get flak for this), you do NOT know someone 100% until you have lived with them for an extended period of time.

Simply put, many couples get married without having lived together and it works out fine. That’s just because the 15-25% they didn’t know about their partner turned out to still be compatible with their values. But many times, people move in and see different sides to their partner that are incompatible with them.

You do not want to be legally bound to someone before you have that sort of realization.

I think you should revise your stance on moving in/engagement, and take things slowly. DH and I dated for 8 months, lived together for 2 years, got engaged, then got married and are very happy. The heavens didn’t close over because we lived together first – it was a great time to truly test our compatibility.

I wish you all the best.

Post # 22
Member
7558 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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hermionegranger:  “And I realized that as sad as I was about not moving in together, the real question was whether we were each other’s family, whether we were each other’s ‘person’.”

I think you have clarified for yourself what is at the heart of this. Anonymous internet commenters can tell you that a year is nothing and you have no business pressuring him yet….but only you can really know what timeframe is appropriate for reaching certain milestones in your relationship. Personally, after a year of dating, I would want my partner to feel like family, and vice versa. I’m not saying I would need to move in or be engaged in that timeframe…but I’d want to feel conviction about this person and the potential for the relationship. In order to feel that, I’d need my partner to mutually feel conviction about ME. If he didn’t feel the same way, I’d feel like I had no control over the relationship, and that would be true.

I definitely think a heart to heart with your boyfriend is in order. You don’t even have to make it about the moving in issue….but what you said just now about him being your family. 

 

Post # 24
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Hello!

I’m sorry you’re in this kind of predicament right now. When I read you’re S.Asian I felt like I wanted to reach out to you even the only thing I can offer is a listen and some more questions.

 

You mentioned you both spring from different cultures, what culture is he exposed to? Does his culture put a strong emphasis on marriage (building a family unit, interdependence on each other – like ours do?) or is it more to the western ideal of individuality and complete independence? 

 

ALSO meeting the family!!! ๐Ÿ™‚ What an encouraging step for the both of you! I always feel it’s such a big deal for one’s SO to meet the family. I hope it goes well. 

 

As to conservative families, my family is fulfilling the stereotype about S.Asian families being all that! ๐Ÿ˜‰ hahaha But what I did was involve my then-bf into family gatherings until he was slowly accepted as a permanent part, and they laxed about their ‘rules’ and even defended me from prying relatives about why my then-bf and I were allowed to move in together in an apartment. I made them understand that my relationship was solid, that I was very happy, and that they had no reason to worry about me.

Post # 25
Member
33 posts
Newbee

Hey I completely understand where you are coming from and how you are feeling.

People’s relationships go at their own pace – some people never marry but are with one partner for life, some people don’t get engaged until 8 years into their relationship, some people get engaged after 6 months. Ultimately there’s no right or wrong as long as both people are happy. But, in my opinion, financial and life circumstances aside, most people know pretty early on whether their partner is “the one” or not.

You described it really well by questioning whether you were each other’s “person”. And I think this is what it comes down to. You know he’s your “person” and you’re not sure if he sees you the same way. I have many friends in the same situation – one of my best friends has been with her boyfriend for SIX years, living together, financially intertwined, yet he refuses to discuss marriage. She no longer brings it up for fear of annoying him or undoing any progress towards marriage (i.e. being on her best behaviour, happy etc). My fiance was with his ex for 6 years, and for the last 3-4 years she was waiting for him to propose, and he admits he knew he was never going to and another 2, 3 or 4 years together wouldn’t have changed that.

It does suck that the guy is “in charge”, I know girls can propose too but for those of us coming from a traditional background it’s just not an option. I think you have to separate “needs a reasonable amount of time to think about it” from “just not sure and more time will not make them sure”. And it’s really hard to know which it is, but in my opinion, 1 year is enough time to know if you’ve spent a decent amount of time together.

Just for comparison, my fiance said he pretty much knew the night we met that I was “the one”. He brought up getting married a few months into the relationship, it was never something I had to tiptoe around for fear of “scaring him off” because he was committed. We moved in at just under 1 year and got engaged after 2 years. It was natural, I didn’t have to push him, we were on the same page in life, and in our feelings for each other. We are similar age to you and your boyfriend (26 and 28 when we met).

I guess what I am trying to say is, in my personal opinion, when you know you know, and 1 year is enough time for a lot of people (but obviously not all). Like someone else said, you gotta move at the pace of the slower person in the relationship, within reasonable limits. If it’s not enough time for him, give it a set time in your mind (3 months or 6 months) and if it’s not progressing, I would leave if your priorities do not align. It’s not WRONG to want to date for 4-5 years before thinking about marriage, but it might be wrong for you.

Post # 26
Member
33 posts
Newbee

Sorry I just thought of something else – are you both on the same page re: looking for a life partner? Some people are happy to date and see how it goes and figure it out as it comes, others (like me, and I suspect like yourself) start evaluating compatibility and thinking about the long term from very early on in the relationship. For me personally, even if things are going well and he’s “fun”, if I don’t see us being married in the future I won’t take it further. Not saying I am wedding/marriage crazy, but I don’t see the point of there is no “end game”. I don’t date for fun – fun is going out with friends, indulging my hobbies and interests. Dating should be fun, but the primary purpose is to meet your life partner. It’s like an interview, and you can’t interview forever, at some point you know whether you’re hiring or not.

A lot of my guy friends seem to be happy to keep dating and living in the present with their girlfriends of 3, 4, 6 years, and don’t seem to evaluate it as much as I/we do. One of my fiance’s friends just moved in with his girlfriend of 4 years (both in their late 20s), and openly told my fiance he had no intentions of proposing anytime soon. One of my girl friends is like this too – she was seeing a guy who was obviously not going to work out in the long term, yet she was happy to keep dating him because they had a good time together. In the first case, I think he’s awful because she clearly wants to get married and sees moving in together as a step in the right direction. In the second case, my girl friend and her man are on the same page and I think it’s all good as long as they are not misleading each other.

I guess IN SUMMARY of my long ramble – as long as your boyfriend isn’t misleading you I think it’s fine to give him a bit more time.

Post # 27
Member
350 posts
Helper bee

THis happened to me – I was the one who DIDN’T want the bf to move in. I literally wasn’t ready. Was a good relationship but I loved just going home, walking around naked… not having to clean up after someone and eat in peace. A few months later the guy moved in with me. We were together for 4 years. 

Some people just need more time. 

Post # 28
Member
350 posts
Helper bee

Does he think that you have to be engaged to live with him? Or maybe your parents mentioned something that is making him think this is what should happen first?

Post # 29
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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hermionegranger:ย  OP, 1 year is not early considering what you want out of a relationship. When I dated my now husband, I knew I was looking for a relationship that would lead to marriage. He proposed after 9 months of dating and we got marry 1 year after the engagement.ย 

I just want to say in order to be in control, you have to determine what you want and act accordingly. That might be not letting him stay over your place too often. I would not let him feel too comfortable in this relationship. Or may be see him once a week and spend more time on yourself, going out and make new friends? Who knows, you might meet someone that is ready to settle down in the process.ย 

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