Post # 1
I’ve been reading a lot of posts where people talk about how much or how little they fight, how they talk about their feelings so they never have to fight, versus it being good to fight and get it out. The amount that people report fighting varies tremendously, and I’m curious how much is just a difference in definition.
I’m just wondering how everyone defines “a fight.” For me, a disagreement is when we’ve had a rough day and are snippy with each other, we make up within minutes. A fight is when we’re genuinely upset with each other, may even raise voices in the height of emotion, but still both calm down and apologize pretty quickly (maybe after an hour to cool off). A huge fight is when we’re both upset to the point of being irrational, and even though we always make peace before bed, one/both of us may be upset for up to a couple days after the fact, until we talk things out for real.
So when I say that Darling Husband and I fight somewhat often, I mean we get upset and fly off the handle, then calm down and make up. Probably not the best way to deal with things, but we keep it fair and civil, we get to let out our frustrations and pent up energy, and we work toward improving our relationship, not attacking each other. We fight maybe once or twice a month and I don’t mind it, unless we have a huge fight and then I get upset.
So what do you mean when you talk on WB about “fighting?”
Post # 3
I consider it fighting any time we disagree and get snippy with each other. I think we’ve only ever had a really angry fight twice in 5 years.
Post # 4
I said somewhat heated argument. For us, that would be if one of us went into a room and closed the door or went outside to get away from the other person. We have minor disagreements or bickering all the time (something really quick that we dont even think about after a few minutes) but we have what I think of as fights only every once in a while. A fight for us would also mean that we would have a conversation afterwards in order to resolve the current issue.
Post # 5
To me, a fight is a step above a disagreement. A disagreement would be like a small back and forth about something little and not too important in the overall scheme of things. I would consider a fight something related to an important issue where we raise our voice and get upset with each other.
Post # 6
Fighting is when we are not able to come to an agreement through discussion and it just escalates. Or when one of us is so frustrated that we cannot hold it in any more, and it just comes out. We usually go into separate rooms, and then the fight is resolved a few hours later when one of us apologizes and then we sit down and talk about what made us upset. It’s not a forced thing…we usually just feel drawn back to each other because we know we hurt each other’s feelings and things patch themselves up.
Post # 7
@Miss OBG: Good point about definitions. I think it’s “Very heated, angry, maybe yelling.” Although we still do make up right away. And this happens SO rarely. We certainly get frustrated with each other maybe once or twice a month (at most), but we almost NEVER have what I define as a “fight.” We both hate it and prefer to talk out whatever we’re upset about.
He grew up in a home with a mentally unstable mother who yelled all the time, so he is STRONGLY averse to it. I’ve never heard him raise his voice, with the exception of when his baseball team does something especially stupid. 😉
Post # 8
this is interesting–hubs and i define it different ways. for me, it’s the “mild disagreement” option in the poll. i’m pretty non-confrontational in general, and my family is the same way. but i can be really assertive about my needs and feelings with my husband (which is one of the things i love about him–i’m comfortable enough with him that i stick up for myself). so, i tend to think of it as a “fight” whenever i say something like “hey, stop doing x because it makes me feel abc” and then he immediately apologizes. which of course isn’t really a “fight” at all–sometimes i raise my voice a little bit but it usually lasts like 5-10 mins max and is really more just like a discussion. we’ve never left the apartment to get away from each other, unless one of us had to leave for work or something, and then we usually make up in the next half hour or so via email/text. usually it’s about chores, aka really minor things
hubby on the other hand comes from a family where bickering and using harsh tones of voice/yelling with each other is much more common, so his definition of a fight would probably be much different. we’ve actually talked about this before, and in his perspective we’ve only had like 2 or 3 fights in over 5 years. i think there’s only been screaming once. so while i would say we “fight” about once a month or something, he’d say we fight very, very rarely.
Post # 9
We bicker and then get over it quickly. A fight for us would be the both of us extremely angry to the point we won’t talk. It rarely happens, but it’s happened at least twice. One night he slept on the floor. That was the first time ever since we’ve been living together that we didn’t sleep in the same bed together. He would’ve slept on the couch in the living room, but I asked him not to because then his parents would know something was up.
We’re pretty laid back and relaxed. We don’t try to let things or others interefere with our life. Of course there are times where it’s hard not to, but we worked through it together.
Post # 10
If I walk away still mad and we don’t talk it out right there, I call it a fight. We rarely have them, because he’s so logical and if I have a good point he’ll listen to it. Its usually my fault because sometimes even if I know I’m wrong, I’m mad that I was wrong and pout for a while.. not super mature, but hey, he wants me, warts and all.
Post # 11
I’ve actually talked to Darling Husband about this before. Some people talk about fighting all the time and I feel like we never fight.
We disagree about stupid stuff all the time, go back and forth kinda jokingly giving our opinions but usually not very emotionally invested.
To me a fight would be where you’re emotionally invested in your opinion and/or you have some sort of misunderstanding or miscommunication that causes you to get upset enough to be quite angry/cry/raise your voice. Something that is not resolved quickly by communication and compromise but lingers.
Post # 12
I think a “fight” is whenever we raise our voices at each other. Whether it gets resolved quickly or not isn’t really a factor. Just getting angry enough to yell is how I’d classify it.
Post # 13
To me, a fight is a very heated, argument where we are angry, maybe yelling, and don’t make up right away but do eventually.
Darling Husband and I can disagree without getting angry or raising our voices and I don’t consider that to be a fight.
Post # 14
The very heated and yelling is a fight. Sometimes I do get snippy, but I agree with PP that’s it’s more of a disagreement than anything. A fight usually involves someone crying, lots of yelling and cooldown time afterwards. We always end up talking things over and usually resolving most of the issues that same day/night. Those types of fights are rare, but they’re explosive when they happen.