(Closed) How do YOU define 'a real life marriage' (not fantasy land)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
868 posts
Busy bee

I also have anxiety. Ususally financial/career driven, not relationship driven – but anxiety has ways of wiggling into other areas of our lives. 

My answer: I talk to someone professionally. I cannnot possibly recceomend it engouh! I do not like self help books (I feel like they talk to me as if I’m stupid) and what I really needed was to get to the source, not treat the symptoms. For me it was therapy. 

I know you’re Chrsitians – we are also active in our own faiths – but for me this was not something I could do or wanted to do throguh church. I didn’t want to be told to pray about it, becasue praying was just getting lost in my own thoughts again. I needed a professional to help me navigate my thoughts. For me it is working. 

Good luck!! 

Post # 3
Member
3936 posts
Honey bee

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Hang in there, Bee. Prayer and petition can be of help here since God’s grace is sufficient. Also reach out to the Titus 2:4 women in your church family. They can lend perspective and encouragement. IME, a working marriage may not always look pretty, much like one’s faith journey, but if you’re both working at it, then God will bless those efforts.

 

~ Prov. 31:10 (NIV): “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.” ~                                

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walk_by_faith:  

Post # 4
Member
8015 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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walk_by_faith:  real marriage is wonderful, hard, rewarding, comforting, challenging, friendship, warm, frustration, sex, love, trust, anger, understanding, compromise, happiness, disappointment, faith, forgiveness, and so much more. While there may be some fantasy land moments, real life marriage is only fantasy land on FB or TV. 

I second/third PPs encouraging counseling. It helps. Hugs. 

Post # 5
Member
868 posts
Busy bee

Oh – I realized I didn’t really answer the question of how I define a marriage that isn’t a fantasy land. Answer: communication and then more communication. 

Because my anxiety is usually about money, we talk about money. A lot. Way more than he wants to. But he does it. It’s never far from my mind. We talk and then we talk some more. And he puts up with me great! Even after we’ve decided on something, I keep going over the justifications for it. He’s like “yup, that’s why we decided it…” He’s very patient. 

We also talk about other things – we are VERY involved in the minutia of eachother’s careers. I don’t think that’s the case with most relationships, but it works great for us. He owns a small business and I handle the finances (becsaue I never spend anything – Lol!!). I work on all his projects with him, sometimes even go on business trips to assist. He works on my projects with me, we do research together. We attend a lot of professional events together. We are very goal oriented, so we discuss those goals and we know where the other person stands. 

Fantasy land to me is the idea that we will always agree. We won’t.

Or the idea that we will always be 100% present for eachother – but that’s not possible 100% of the time, we sometimes have to do things independently. Don’t get me wrong, We are still emotionally supportive! But there are times when I need to handle my side and he needs to hanlde his side, and that’s ok. We give eachother a lot of leeway and independence. 

Post # 6
Member
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I don’t know exactly what relationship anxiety means but “define to me what you consider a real life marriage/ what it takes to make a good marriage…”

A real life marriage is two regular people who love each other and put each other before everyone else. They are not perfect all the time, but they have the same life goals and work towards them together. Sometimes, they are “in love” and surrounded by floating butterflies, but sometimes they are just trying to get through the day and they have to live on that love that’s built over years of shared memories.

Post # 8
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

Marriage:  in reality …. is finding a beautiful person..who has a great personality…then engagement.then ..marriage….reality is it will be bliss at times but misery at others… while you both grow old fat sick together. You will watch  that perfect persons… flaws  itritating habits. Sicknesses  mistakes as you make your own flaws and problems as well. However even tho only moments will be bliss a journey is still better shared..than a enievitably hard path walked alone. After 10 plus years you may find yourself laughing when you put too much sugar in his coffee…and he complains…you may say ha thats for last night when you fell asleep during the movie.  But even when the everday farts get you down make no mistake if that man went missing you would love him as much as his own parents could. A candid comment but hopefully a funny and uplifting one…the world is full of ruff moments…a marriage is about sharing all lifes moments good and bad. 

Post # 9
Member
4560 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Read John Gottman’s book to help you have a good relationship. 

Post # 10
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee

 I’m not married yet but I also experienced a similar kind of struggle so here’re my thoughts. My fiancé is my first serious relationship. Hence, I always had this anxiety of what if love doesnt live up to my expectations. 

I was right in the fact that my relationship is not at all like what I imagined. It’s not as romantic, passionate or dramatic. However, I’m not disappointed that my relationship doesn’t match the fantasy I had in my head for such a long time. My real relationship is just right for the person who I am in reality. It’s warm, fun, supportive and nurturing. I’m slowly learning that an unfulfilled fantasy doesn’t necessarily mean a disappointment. At this point I see my fantasy as what I thought I wanted when I didn’t know enough, while reality is a pleasant journy full of surprises. don’t be worried bee! 

Post # 12
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Marriage is a choice.  It is a choice to love that other person even when they are ticking you off.  It is a choice to put that other person first even when it’s hard.  It’s a choice to compromise even when you don’t want to.

You are not going to be over-the-top in love all the time.  You just aren’t.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband.  I have a great connection with him.  However there are also days where it is just mundane.  Sometimes the most exciting thing we do is go to the grocery store haha.

Post # 13
Member
6232 posts
Bee Keeper

To me, marriage is living a normal life, just together instead of alone.  We really haven’t changed much of anything yet.  We look out for each other, check about groceries, share some chores, do others on our own.  We have our own lives.  Now and then we discuss the future some – what we need to do before we can plan a baby.  How we’re going to renovate the house and who we need to talk to, stuff like that.  What’s great is being with someone I have felt comfortable around from the start.  Sure we had an awkward day when we first met, but after that it was like I’d known him all my life.  We have our issues but they’ve always been small and easily resolved. 

Take with a grain of salt… while we did ‘date’ for 8 years, we haven’t reached our first wedding anniversary yet, so what do I know 

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