Post # 1
my heart feels like it is breaking into a million pieces as I write this out, because this is so hard. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to go through with it. I want to work it out, but I’m not sure if we’ll ever reach that point where we both change for the better of this relationship. I’ve suggested therapy but he keeps digging his heels in.
I’m terrified of saying I’ve outgrown the relationship, but I’m starting to think I have. This man is my best friend and I love him so, so much but maybe we just aren’t meant for each other. He wants me to lose weight, I want him to be a self-motivated independent adult. I don’t see the two as equal requests, but he seems to.
We live together. I’m intertwined with his family, including young children whom I’ve come to love and adore, despite not really liking kids at all. How will this impact them? What will his family think of me? Then, there’s just—him. I can’t imagine my life without him, but I also don’t see things lasting as they are.
im rambling. I don’t know what to do, how, when, where to do it. Just, help.
Post # 2
It’s not going to get easier the longer you wait. Everything that makes it hard today will still be there next week, next month, next year. So you are really just dragging it out.
It’s a tough conversation to have but really it’s better than not ending it out of fear when you know it’s not working.
Post # 3
Oh, Bee. He told you he wants you to lose weight? No, just no. Not acceptable.
You making the choice to end things was inevitable all along. It won’t be easy, but doing the right thing is rarely the easy thing.
You are a very powerful and intelligent woman. You will know exactly what to say. Reread you posts on here.
I’m sorry that you have to go through this, Bee. But, you will be much happier on the other side of it.
Post # 4
Aw man I’m sorry to read this. It’s definitely hard. I yas no idea from other posts that on top of everything he’s telling you to lose weight?! What an awful feeling. I’m sorry.
I’d get a plan together and then like a bandaid just do it. Face to face if it’s safe of course. Maybe let a few friends and family members know ahead so you can plan to stay with them maybe?
Post # 6
It sucks. It’s hard. But this too shall pass.
Post # 7
You deserve to be happy. That’s what it boils down to. You WANT to be happy with him, but you aren’t. That doesn’t mean he’s a terrible person, it doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person. It just means you’re not right for each other anymore. A healthy relationship should not be this hard. Yes, there will be some hard times, but it should be external pressures that you face together, not the two of you facing off against each other. His family will get through it, including the kids. Kids are resilient.
And about him… you’ve had a very idealized vision of “him”. THAT is who you can’t imagine living without, except you’ve been living without him forever because that guy doesn’t exist. Look at your boyfriend with new eyes and see the real him. THIS is the guy you’d be with and you aren’t ok with this guy. I wouldn’t be either. Someone somewhere will be, so don’t guilt yourself by saying “what will he do without me?” He’ll survive, you’ll survive, everyone will survive. Best wishes, bee. I know it’s hard.
Post # 8
I’m sorry that you are going through this. It’s not an easy situation to be in. It’s hard emotionally and then you have to deal with separating your life.
I will say this…it’s hard as hell to go through it, but it’s only temporary. And you will get through it and you will be better off.
Post # 9
When in doubt, go with the truth.
”Honey, I love you, but I’m afraid neither of us is going to be happy with the other in the long run. I’m not happy right now. It’s time for us to part ways.”
yes, h e will be upset and it will hurt. But just open your mouth and push the words out to save yourself. You deserve better! We are all rooting for you, bee.
Post # 10
I am giving you so many virtual hugs right now. I’ve only ended a serious relationship once before, and it was so unbelievably hard. And of course, you want to take it back as soon as you do it. But deep down, you know it can’t get better unless you try something.
I think taking some time to yourself right now seems like a great idea. I strongly believe the purest joy comes from honesty, so be honest with what you want and what you’re looking for in a partner. I know this is all so much easier said than done, but I think you’re reaching a point where the choice is already made: I mean, do you really think you’ll be happy continuing this way?
Post # 11
I’m sorry, that sucks. But from following your previous posts I think you’re doing the best thing for yourself.
As for your question – I would be honest, have a plan for what you need to tell him and be direct. Give him some time to respond, but don’t let him make grand excuses and promises. If he were going to make real self-motivated changes he would have done it by now. Also, have a bag packed and a plan for where you’re going to go. Because it’s going to hurt. No matter how right the decision is, it’s going to be painful at first.
Post # 12
my last ex before my DH the breakup was like this. He definitely did a lot of things worth breaking up over but when push came to shove all I could feel was terrible about it–unlike previous breakups where there was something really ‘climactic’ like cheating, emotional abuse (and in one case also drug abuse), etc.. in this one it was just.. I eventually realized being with him was keeping me very very sad and happiness was right within my grasp if I could just get rid of him.
I cried so much because I felt so guilty–he hadn’t DONE anything wrong (he had, but again it was just he was a shit partner that kept me unhappy, it wasn’t a single ‘dealbreaker’ event) and he loved me dearly (this much was true) and I wished I could just stay with him to keep him happy but knew I had to end it because I’d already been with him, very very unhappy, for about a year at that point.
In the end the only thing that really worked was no contact. For a while we still talked and every time I would talk to him I’d end in tears, filled with self doubt. I finally had to tell him I couldn’t talk to him anymore, and I was finally able to properly grieve and really appreciate how happy I could be without him (and I really was so happy, almost immediately–the first few weeks it was happy/sad, but that’s better than sad/sad.. and quickly it became happy/happy).
I don’t know if that’s the answer you were looking for, but its my answer. Let yourself be truly single and you’ll quickly start to notice that while some things are sad, overall you’re happier.
Post # 13
I’m sorry, Bee. I know this must be really hard on you.
I’ve never been in your position but I’ve seen so many of my friends go through it. At the time it was so hard for them but they are ALL in better places than they were when they were in those previous relationships. I love going to their weddings and seeing how their lives came together after they got the nerve to say goodbye to people who weren’t right for them.
Keep your chin up. Better days are ahead for you!
Post # 14
I kinda just wish he’d break up with me because of his superficial idea of what he wants his girlfriend to look like. It’d definitely save me a fuck ton of greif and potential guilt. But I’m sure he’d rather have someone he’s not attracted to who does fucking everything for him than no girlfriend at all.
Guess that’s just be being a coward, huh? This is so hard.
Post # 15
I am sorry it has come to this but the sooner you end it the happier you will be in the long run. You are smart and give great advice and would tell any bee in the same situation to end it sooner rather than later. You have a great head on your shoulders and I can’t believe you are only 25!