Post # 16
I’m so sorry Bee. It’s going to be hard no matter what. But I second what PP said above. Go back and re-read your previous posts. That will help give you some resolve. You deserve better. Please know that.
And yes, it SUCKS when your lives are so intertwined, but it will get better. It’s just something you have to take day by day. Some days you’ll feel worse, some days you’ll feel better. Then one day you’ll realize that you actually can’t remember the last time you missed him. And that’s a really wonderful feeling.
Also, I just have to say that this weight loss thing is BULL. SHIT. Is this a new condition he’s now put on a proposal?
I remember my long term boyfriend from when I was around your age. We had dated off and on for 5 years before breaking up for good (I was 24). At the time I thought I’d never find real love again. That I’d never have the life I wanted. That I’d never get married and be happy. I was so so so so wrong. I’m happier now that I ever was with that guy. It’s not even comparable. Here I am, 35 years old, been with my husband for over 7 years (married for almost 2 1/2) and we have an amazing 7 month old son. This happiness is what I deserved all along!
Best of luck to you Bee! It will get better. I promise you.
Post # 17
He wants you to lose weight? Were you heavy at the start of the relationship? Where’s that request coming from? All I can say is it’s a hell of a lot easier to lose weight than to become a self-motivated independent adult.
Oh dear, I just realized who you are. You really do have to leave. This is a total dead end.
Post # 18
I was around 145 when we met about 5 years ago, now I’m about 170. So yeah, I’ve put on some weight. I don’t feel like I look terrible, but I could obviously be better. He’s always been into fitness but doesn’t eat healthily at all, so he holds the belief that simply working out will cause weight loss. I do work out frequently but know that weight loss won’t be the primary result of that (obviously lol). I’ve also been feeling like that is one of his unspoken “conditions”. For me right now though, the marriage discussion is completely off the table as there are *clearly* way bigger concerns :/
i have an appointment with my therapist in literally 2 minutes. I’m sitting in the parking lot gathering my thoughts before I go in!
Post # 19
thank you for the optimism 🙂
Post # 21
Aw man, this situation really sucks, and it is hard! But I know you can do it! And I know you will be so much happer! All of us are here for you because we’ve all been there! And we’re all so much happier with the people that we found later!
You can get through this, but be prepared. Tell a friend and pack a bag before you talk. Go stay with your friend and get some space. Go no contact for a while. Ask your friend to help you arrange moving out your stuff.
When you actually do it just say what you’ve said here. That you feel as if you’ve outgrown this relationship. And that you two just won’t be as happy together as you though you could be.
You will get through this! **HUGS!!**
Post # 21
I’ve probably said this 1000 times, let’s go for 1001. Breakups are extra hard when you’re younger. There just haven’t been enough of them. It takes going through a few horrific breakups to realize that, no matter how painful it is in the moment, you will make it to the other side. And you will try again.
Bee, lose the guilt. It serves no purpose and makes no sense. What do you have to feel guilty about? Hurting your stbx? He doesn’t feel things the way you do. You did everything for him short of wiping his behind (unless there’s something we don’t know). And, in return, you got strung along, talked down to, treated like a child, and had to be the adult in the room so he could keep his self-delusions intact.
And, now, he has a gripe about your weight? Eff that noise.
Post # 22
he’s always had a gripe about my weight it seems. At least since I’ve been posting here, anyway. Thank you for your bluntness and the laugh about wiping his ass. I needed that. I know what I have to do, I’m just struggling with the action that must follow the decision 🙁
Post # 23
I’m sorry. You’ve probably already had the conversation in your head a dozen times over. I hope that makes it easier. Definitely plan to walk out the door and stay somewhere else right after. It’s got to be pretty painful to be in the same house just after breaking up. It will all pass though.
And look on the bright side, at least you two don’t have kids of your own. It’s very kind of you to think of his extended family, and I’m sure they will miss you, but they’ll also be all right in the end.
Post # 24
you can’t really be happy if your whole life is spent taking care of someone else that doesn’t care for you.
Mid you don’t end it, it will just continue until you’re old and miserable.
Rip the bandage, bee.
Post # 25
It is soooo hard to know that you’re about to hurt someone deeply, but it has to be done for your own happiness and sanity. I’ve had to do it twice and both times were gut wrenching; nobody with a good heart wants to hurt someone they love and care about.
But know this. I’ve been on the side he’s on. Told that my ex wanted a divorce because he just wasn’t happy. Felt we just weren’t compatible. He wanted me to lose weight (which is a f-ed up thing to demand) and be a fun party girl, while also being the betty crocker home maker and while also working a full time job *cue the eyeroll*. I wanted him to be more present at home and spend more time with us as a family and value me and my needs more. There’s more to it, that’s the simplified version, but at the end of the day, he was right. We weren’t compatible and it needed to end. For both of us. I had just had my head buried in the sand.
Think of it this way – while this is going to hurt him now, it opens you both up to the opportunity to find the partner that you’re truly meant to be with. Short term pain = long term gain. At the time of my divorce, I thought I’d never be happy again. Now, just 5 years later, I am married to the best man I could possibly imagine who treats me like a queen. We’re expecting our first child together and we are truly partners and a team, which I didn’t have with my ex. My ex saying he wanted a divorce is something I am so very grateful for now. While he will be hurting now, I’m confident that you both will come out much happier on the other side of this. Try to keep that in mind, and even relay that message to him, that you want him to have the partner that makes him happy and you are not that for each other so you need to part ways.
Post # 26
I don’t really have any advice but to say it will get better! I know its hard, but think about how much harder it could be: you could be already married, you could own a house together, you could have kids together. There are lots of people who wish they had the courage to move on many years earlier.
Also, no contact after the break up!!! From what you’ve posted about him, it sounds like he doesn’t have his shit together so he will likely reach out to you at some point asking for help with something, and you’ll feel bad for him and compelled to do it. DONT! You’ll just get sucked back into everything.
Post # 27
I am so sorry you are going through this. Look. If he had a problem with your weight, looks, how you laughed, walked, whatever at the begining then he has not been open and honest through this relationship.
Marriage is loving a person for who they are right at that moment, not what you want them to be. What happens if you have kids and you have trouble losing the baby weight, what if you are in accident and disfigured? Is his love dependent on how you look?
I think you have grown out of this relationship. You want to be respected and valued for who you ARE not what you look like or could be.
You already know. Value yourself and make others value you also. You deserve better.
Post # 28
His love is conditional.
You deserve to be loved unconditionally.
Nothing else matters. Focus on what matters.
Post # 29
I have a suggestion for an easy way to lose, say 180-200 pounds, easy. (Okay, not easy, and also I don’t know what he weighs but throwing a guess out there). I still think it’s time to DTMFA. You deserve better!
Post # 30
You know, all of this guilt and worry over wounding the poor boy so deeply. I’m really struggling with that. My sense of this guy is that his feelings are quite shallow. He may carry on and turn in an Oscar-worthy performance to manipulate you into not dumping him. But, true, deep and abiding love? Truth, Bee, does he even have the capacity for that?