Post # 31
The guy I dated before Future Husband was like this. Not necessarily weight related, but would always suggest I would look better with a certain color hair, do this, that, etc. He would also say that we should promise one another we would never get “fat” as if it’s a fate worse than death.
We had been dating for several years and let me tell you, when I finally got up the nerve to dump him, the BIGGEST weight was lifted from my shoulders. This is a new beginning for you. And I promise you will find someone else who will love you for exactly who you are and will appreciate all the wonderful things about you. As others have said, it’s like ripping off a bandaid. Sending you so many virtual hugs!
Post # 32
It’s kinda like a bandaid, it fucking sucks but you just gotta rip it off and you’ll be so glad you did after the initial sting goes away. I’ve been there. It sucks. I felt like I was losing friends and an entire family (his). But it was for the best. Just remember that they aren’t a part of the relationship, only you two are. And if it’s not gonna work, it’s just not gonna work.
ETA: This is what helped me get through my break up with a serious long term ex.
1. Let him know the reason, he deserves that, but he doesn’t deserve more. As in, your reasons are enough. Don’t let him ask, “But why… But if…” Be firm.
2. Let a friend know before you’re gonna do it. That way you can spend that night with your friend for emotional support. The first night is the hardest.
3. Don’t say anything to his family. I understand that you’ll want to, I really wanted to say good bye to my ex’s sister and mom, I was close to them. But remember, they are HIS family and he deserves to tell them because they’ll still be in his life. It’s not fair to try to tell them why, because it kind of puts them in a awkward position when they should be doing his best to support him. Instead, you should go immediately to your support system- your friends and family.
4. Go no contact for at least two weeks and if there aren’t lots of pressing concerns, a full month would even be better. And then sort out everything important (moving/items)
5. Self care. Spoil yourself in this time. Take more time for the things you love and like just because it makes you happy.
Post # 33
He the one you asked marry you and he said no. Now he think your fat to? Not gonna lie bee don’t waste no more time. He suck!
Post # 34
Hardest part is the first step.
That first step is starting the conversation and saying the words, “I’m done.” Everything after is hard, but you’ll start to see a new life and that will make it easier.
Hang in there and keep coming back to the hive for support. We got you sista!
Post # 35
I can’t offer any useful advice. I just want to say I’ve been eager for a bit to see you post about having dumped this guy! It might be hard in the moment, but I have a feeling you’ll be thriving within a matter of weeks. Rip off that band-aid!
And remember…people change dramatically in college and their 20s. Countless people have been in your exact situation and moved on to better things.
Post # 37
I feel your pain with this, bee. I don’t know how old you are, but in my early 20s I was stuck in a dead-end relationship I knew I needed out of. He didn’t comment on my weight but hated when I had friends or spent time with anyone but him. It was not a good dynamic. We had been together for 6 years and all the stuff you mentioned went through my head, also. What will his sweet mother think? What about all his nieces and nephews that are used to seeing me every week? How will he cope without me since he’s such an introvert? Etc. I let all these things stop me from ending things for way too long.
He got mad at me one day (for spending time with female friends) and that finally gave me the courage to end it. Of course, he tried to back pedal and act like he wasn’t mad and wanted to fix things. But I immediately felt so relieved and like this huge weight had been lifted. I was sad, of course. There were many things I loved about him. I cried a lot. But I still knew it was absolutely the right move. Be prepared for him to try to contact you and guilt you into getting back together. I had him and his mother both try to guilt me into this. Stay strong.
I get it though. It is so hard to take that first step and bring it up. If you’re anything like me (meaning it’s hard for me to hide my emotions), he can probably tell something is up already. If he asks what’s wrong, be honest. Use it as a starting point. I know it’s so hard to bring it up and so easy to just keep going with the status quo, but believe me I let it go on way too long because I was too scared to do anything, to hurt him. I was so relieved he gave me an “in” by picking a dumb fight.
You can do this, bee.
Post # 38
He wanted help with job hunting and doing all his resume prep….I’d show him how to do a resignation letter….as in resigning from this relationship.
Honestly though you have to just sit down and tell him and be prepared to have somewhere to go after. For your sake and his.
Post # 39
How are you doing, bee? Just checking in!
Post # 40
much, *much* better after meeting with my therapist last week when I posted this. I’ll keep y’all updated as things change…thanks for checking on me 🙂
Post # 41
Sunshine024 : All of us are here for you because we’ve all been there! And we’re all so much happier with the people that we found later!
Exactly this! Many many people have been through this emotional hell before, and it’s so terrible. I initiated a divorce from the guy I’d loved since I was 16, and who was (and still is!) one of my favorite people on the planet. But ultimately you know it’s not working and it’s not going to change. All the outer layers of the onion (friends, family, etc) can be great, but if the central core of your life with him – your relationship just the two of you – isn’t right, it’s not worth it.
It’s a tough thing to do. I kept repeating the phrase “The only way past it is through it” to remember that there were no shortcuts. You have to suffer for a while and then it gets much easier. Then you’ll meet someone else and be blissfully happy and think back and be so fucking grateful to your previous self that you had the courage to do what you did!!
Post # 42
What I said to my girlfriend when she was having a hard time in her relationship was this. If nothing in this relationship ever changed, if this is how it is going to be for the rest of your lives together, would that be enough? Would you be happy? That is a good question to ask yourself because the best way to predict how the future will be is based on how it currently is. Because people rarely change, and its better to base your choices on people being who they are and not changing.
I am sorry you are going through this. Just remember, you have read tons of stories on these boards so you know 100% that as much as you are feeling this current guy is the one for you, if you do move on there WILL be another guy for you that will fulfill your needs. You can have faith having seen that happen to women on here over and over again. So make the choice that is the best for you. Maybe it is time to put your foot down and say that you two have to go to therapy next week or you have to end things. Seems like therapy would be your only shot to work though these things. If he isn’t willing to go to therapy even though he knows it means he will lose you than you have your answer.
Post # 43
What did you ultimately decide to do?
Post # 44
thanks for the advice, bee. I don’t find myself hesitant because I don’t feel like I’ll ever find someone else. I just don’t want to make a decision that I’ll come to regret. I do agree that when you’re with someone, you should want to be with them based on who they are right now, not on who they *could* be.
ultimately, I’ve not really made a decision yet (don’t kill me, bees). I’ve just been focused on so many other things lately that I don’t even have time to process this atm. I’m a very ambitious person and I’m trying to secure my own future right now. While he has shown tremendous improvement, I’m also not going to jump to the conclusion that things will keep improving because it hasn’t been long enough to know if these changes will stick long-term, or if he just shaped up real quick because he saw me walking out the door.
Like I said before, I love him so much and I don’t want to make a snap decision that I may end up regretting later on; that being said, I feel like it may take me a while to decide that I want to break things off for good. My therapist asked me why I was still in the relationship, as things couldn’t be *all* bad if I’ve stayed this long. That gave me some perspective about what I truly love about him. Now, I have to take the time to determine whether those amazing traits are outweighed by the bad ones. She also told me that I’ve got to accept some accountability too for being an enabler in a way, and that I should first try working on my behavior as far as being coddling/“maternal” (something I can control) to see if he changes for the better. That will take a little time, I’m assuming. I’ll continue to meet with her as things progress (either for better or for worse) and will keep you all in the loop as well, since everyone here has been so caring and supportive during this tough time in my life.
TL;DR: i don’t really know what I’m going to do right now. If all this fails, though, I do know that I’ll have to make a really tough decision. Whatever ends up happening, though, I’m optimistic about my future.
Thanks again, everyone.
Post # 45
It makes sense to take more time to make this important decision especially since your timeline isn’t up until next June.
The only thing I disagree with is this:
“My therapist asked me why I was still in the relationship, as things couldn’t be *all* bad if I’ve stayed this long.”
It sounds like she thinks your relationship is not horrible so you should leave well enough alone and settle for good enough and not rock the boat.
Good luck, I will be rooting for you!